From – Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
Every year I get rush of questions about going places where people are drinking (like family gatherings, company parties etc.). I hope the following thoughts may be of help. If you have some sort of mentor, counselor, sponsor or someone otherwise working with you in your recovery, please consult with them before going to any gathering that may be a danger to your recovery.
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn’t think or be reminded about alcohol at all. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs 100-101)
Going into the holiday season, we need to have a good idea how far along each one of us is in our recoveries. This also means ensuring the proper safeguards are in place if you are somehow obligated to be in a situation dangerous to your sobriety.
- Will you never again be able to go to a Christmas party or a Thanksgiving dinner because there is alcohol there?
- If there are one or two members of your family who still use heavily does that mean you can never again attend a family function?
- Can other members of your family have a glass of wine with a holiday dinner at your home?
There is no perfect answer to these questions. One of the main points to make here is that the answers to these questions depend completely upon where you are in your sobriety.
I am not totally convinced that each of us is capable of making a full assessment of our ability to be around these things, but there are some who are better able. Some examples include:
- A good sponsor who knows you real well
- Any person that has been given a mentoring role in your life such as a pastor, priest, adviser, and so on.
- A Professional counselor if you have one that you have been seeing for a while.
If you find that you have nobody in this sort of mentoring role in your life you have a gaping hole in your recovery and need to deal with that first.
The next thing to ask is why do I want to be in this place?
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 101)
You will note that we made and important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, “Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?” (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs 101-102)
The question to ask yourself is why am I going to this function when I know it may be dangerous for me?
Are you only thinking about yourself in attending.
- Selfishness – Self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 62)
- Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead! (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 102)
Can you be there focusing on helping someone else and not just to have fun? In other words, just because there is darkness does not mean that you have to be dark also; why not be a light in the darkness?
- Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 102)
Can you be open about why you will not use to everybody?
- Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 102)
If you tell everyone why you are not using and that you need their help you should either get a positive response at least from most of those in attendance or the people you are going to be around may not be the safest people for you. If they cannot respect your desire to be a better person they do not truly care about you.
Is your spiritual condition solid?
- But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 102)
- Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 102)
Do you have a spiritual advisor or mentor who can help you assess your spiritual condition
These are just some ideas from the Big Book. I am quite sure there are other things to look at and to think about. I am hopeful that these tidbits will help you and anyone you may be working with in decided what is appropriate and not appropriate.
These types of gatherings can be an important part of life and of your recovery when you are ready. The very same gatherings can be destructive and hurtful if you are not. May God keep you.
Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 102)