My drinking assumed more serious proportions, continuing all day and almost every night. The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf. There were many unhappy scenes in our sumptuous apartment. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 3)
This passage makes a key point that many of us who struggle with alcoholism/addiction struggle deeply with but it is often missed. There are a couple of reasons why the points of the passage are missed so often and one of them is the language. One of those reasons is wordiness. The way it is written it is just one of those things that many brains just tune out as if this passage were simply some kind of background noise.
Let’s start with two of the key words: Remonstrances and row.
a protest or reproof, esp. a petition presented in protest against something
1. a noisy dispute or quarrel; commotion.
2. noise or clamor.
verb (used without object)
3. to quarrel noisily.
So that turns: “The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf.” Into: The petitions of my friends against how bad my using was getting ended in a noisy quarrel or commotion and I became a complete loner with no more friends.
This may not be exactly what has happened to you, but it does describe a major problem. That problem is that we tend not to listen to the people who are trying to help us (and who are often right) and we tend to act as if they are the problem.
I had a completely unrelated experience the other day that opened my mind to the idea of how we perceive the people around us incorrectly.
I was driving in the morning commute near my house and there was an inordinate amount of traffic on the streets in the direction you go to get to the freeway.
I moving along in the herd from stoplight to stoplight (emphasis on the word STOP) when I noticed that all of the cars had moved except for the car in front of me and those behind me. Then the ones behind me started zooming into the other lane trapping me behind this person.
As they were passing me I seemed to be getting several versions of the evil-eye and some looks that could only be described using the comic book term “#*@*%*^” if you get my drift. Horns were honking, people were yelling and I did nothing but get stuck behind some idiot.
Finally, the idiot in front of me looked up from texting, setting the GPS, twiddling her thumbs, doing her nails or whatever she was doing and started down the road.
I was fuming, but was doing a good job of trying to talk myself down because people like us cannot afford to let other people’s crazy be contagious.
I was just about to speedily change lanes and pass this woman when I noticed that she was not only driving slowly but swerving into the other lane repeatedly in a way that could only be described as driving like a wino.
She was swerving from lane to lane and slowing down keeping me trapped behind her and practically going nowhere.
As time progressed (which seemed like forever by now) I was losing my ability to keep myself calm. Finally, whatever was distracting this person was finished and she finally had a chance to pass this idiot.
I was still trying to keep myself calm and apparently decided that I would get myself over it and not let it ruin my day but not until I let out my frustration in the form of a serious look of distain. I was going to get my revenge by giving her the evil-eye she had caused me to get. I was going to give her deep discomfort (if only for a few seconds) as punishment for her evil.
So that seemed like a great compromise; give her the evil look and then, having my revenge, I would be able to free myself. So I did this.
I zoomed into a position next to this woman and looked over with my best evil-eye. The Freddy Kruger, Jason about to kill you look! She looked like she knew immediately and had a deep look of embarrassment and regret. MUHAHAHAHA, my evil plan had worked. I had won.
Then I turned to go back to look at the road and turned just in time to notice that I had swerved slightly to the left and at this point was about two inches away from crashing into the concrete divider in the middle of the road. (They have been redoing the roads near my house and I could normally drive this section of the road with my eves closed, but part of what they did was widen the center divider)
So now I had to react in a hurry. I swung the wheel rapidly to the right, swerving to the right towards her car and narrowly missing the center divider and wobbling down the road a bit.
Now I was really angry. LOOK WHAT THAT IDIOT MADE ME DO! Then suddenly it dawned on me: Looking at her for five seconds of revenge almost cost me my car and I am calling her an idiot.
I wondered what the cars behind both of us were thinking when one wino driver who was holding us all up was upstaged by another one that was not only holding us all up but was going to cause a wreck and stop us altogether.
Reality struck and I realized that I am at least the bigger idiot if not the only one.
In the passage we started wit, founding member Bill W. has friends that are concerned who are trying to tell him is getting out of control (if you read the whole story, nobody could have guessed how right they were). Bill gets so mad at them that he gets into noisy fights with them. Such big fights that he drives them away from himself completely and ends up with few, if any friends left.
They were trying to help him and to him they were the idiots who were interfering with his happiness. In other words, in his mind they were the idiots. The problem is, when you read the rest of the story you realize that they were not the idiots, Bill was. It was perception that kept him in bondage to the point of a wreck.
Those of us who are in recovery or in need of recovery do not have the luxury of declaring people idiots. We get confused and wreck (our lives, our cars and many other things). The truth is that we need to deal with the idiot in the mirror before we go exacting our revenge upon all of the other idiots on earth. If you really get what you are supposed to get out of recovery, you will find that revenge is the punishing of yourself in most cases and is not worth it.
Stay sober my friends from the idiot in my mirror,