The Crazy Train and Our Inner Stupid
The door opened and he stood there, fresh-skinned and glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different. What had happened?
I pushed a drink across the table. He refused it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what had got into the fellow. He wasn’t himself.
“Come, what’s this all about?” I queried.
He looked straight at me. Simply, but smilingly, he said, “I’ve got religion.”
I was aghast. So that was it – last summer an alcoholic crackpot; now, I suspected, a little cracked about religion. He had that starry-eyed look. Yes, the old boy was on fire all right. But bless his heart, let him rant! Besides, my gin would last longer than his preaching. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 9)
Bill has been trying everything imaginable to get sobriety. He has failed miserably and is in a deep depression because of it deciding that his only hope is to never draw a sober breath to be forced to think about it.
How is it that when the first opportunity arises to meet a person who he knew was a s bad as he was that found the elusive answer to his problem comes along he does everything he can to destroy this person and then decides that person is somehow worse off then using.
One of the biggest problems we have in alcoholism/addiction is ourselves. We blame circumstances, other people, the zodiac, God, bad luck, being cursed and on and on. The truth is we are on the crazy train and we have gotten kinda comfortable there. So comfortable that although we suspect things might be better if we get off, we also are partially convinced that anyone who is not on the crazy train is somehow missing out and lying about being happy about that.
Our alcoholism/addictions lie to us to keep us trapped, but the liar is not an intimate bottle or pipe or needle or pill etc. The liar is a part of our brain that has to be overcome to even start recovery.
Bill W.’s goal here was not to listen to the miracle and see if he could do the same thing. Bill’s goal was to prove that nobody could do it if he couldn’t. Once that failed, rather than take in what he was saying and really work for it, his next goal was to ignore him as background noise to use to in spite of the fact that this person had come to blow his high. He decided that what he had to say would be a distraction but he felt he had more alcohol than this person (Ebby T.) had time and talking energy.
Recovery requires a lot of overcoming, a lot of decisions, and a lot of actions that follow those decisions. One of the first is the decision not to listen to your own crazy. You have to decide to get off of the crazy train.
You are going to have ridiculously stupid thoughts and idea about recovery, in recovery and in fact you will have some throughout your life sober or not.
When starting recovery, you are not yet equipped to pesh these ideas to the side, s in the beginning you just have to not listen and get in contact with people who can help you overcome your inner stupid.
In this case, the man just kept going and would not give up. Some of us are not lucky enough to have that person, yet we still need recovery. You need to go find those people. They are at meetings, in online groups, in residential and outpatient recovery programs at your local clinic etc. Be desperate to find those people.
I am a person who has mixed emotions about the concept of ninety meetings in ninety days, not because it is a bad idea, but because it is misleading. It is not just being in the building that helps (although it is a huge step in the right direction). It is what you take in and respond to (as well as what you do not take in or listen to). You have to seek out the right people and avoid the bad people and bad information.
Desperately seek out the people who will help you stop listening to the inner stupid and run from the people who will do all they can to call out the inner stupid. Some will be like Bill was and do more to try to destroy you rather than seek to help. You are supposed to be that helper to them when you are ready.
There is help, but it starts with not listening to the stupid that we all have going in then we are able to learn how to be stronger than that inner stupid and get off of the stupid train once and for all.
Stay sober my friends,