The Sick and the Sick Who Make Them Sicker

Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will? (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 140)

This is a big question! This is a huge question in you are the friend or loved one of an alcoholic/addict. This is a bigger question if you are a person who is called on to help someone who is an alcoholic/addict. This becomes a question of if you are any good at what you do if you are considered a professional or considered some kind expert in the field of recovery.

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The Sick and the Sick Who Make Them Sicker

Creepy Clown Doctors
Creepy Clown Doctors (Photo credit: Chris Kealy)

Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will?  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 140)

This is a big question!  This is a huge question if you are the friend or loved one of an alcoholic/addict.  This is a bigger question if you are a person who is called on to help someone who is an alcoholic/addict.  This becomes a question of if you are any good at what you do if you are considered a professional or considered some kind expert in the field of recovery.

Before you talk to or about this person;  can you get past the feeling that this person is just weak, just an idiot, stupid etc.

When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible. Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 139)

This is a natural feeling to have and to some degree or other may be rooted in some level of truth.  The question you have to ask yourself is are you going to be another part of the problem or a part of the solution.

Lately I have noticed more and more of these negative conversations taking place with, around or about people in desperate need.  As I stated a second ago, these feelings and discussions may hold some elements of truth or even be entirely true, but the mere fact of these discussions may reveal deeper problems.

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

This passage is speaking specifically about alcoholics/addicts and the root of the problem, but is it possible that this is the root of some of the problems that some of the people around the alcoholic/addict.  Not to make anyone uncomfortable, but if you are participating in activities like that is it possible that you may be a contributor to the problem by vomiting your own sickness all over the sick person in need.

Let me explain.  One big question about these conversations is why?  Why are you saying what you are saying or even thinking what you are thinking?  Is there some way that this conversation helps the person or is that in reality incredibly unlikely.

It’s amazing how many times we who are supposed to be the friends, loved ones or helpers of a person in need see them wounded and decide that the best help we can give is a series of poison darts shot from our mouths.

Why would a group of people that know a person in need have a conversation focusing on what is wrong with the person and spend little if any time discussing what things any of them could do to help the person.  Wouldn’t that be just about getting each one of their feelings communicated to someone, about making sure that the others understand why you feel that way and to ensure that they are converted to feeling the same way as you do (in other words compounding the hurts and harms that this person has caused to each of the individuals in the conversation with the harms and hurts of the others).  Remember what is at the root of the person’s problem:

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

If this is the wellspring of stupidity in the life of this person, are you sure that it is the best choice of possible contributions you can make to their life?

In some cases it is an individual conversation with the person, that is the culprit.  Someone who has real problems with this person (real or imagined) that he/she wants to express right now.  Right now: even if the person is not listening or will be terribly damaged by the conversation etc.

Don’t get me wrong; I fully understand that these conversations need to be had.  I am also fully aware that there are times when full-blown reality checks are needed.  It is the when, why and how that I am questioning.

Talking smack about or to a person and using “It’s for their own good” to justify it.  Or should I say to justify the fact that it is for your own good no matter how it may damage the person or the person’s relationship with others including you.

Here is a reality check for each one of us:  To some degree alcoholism/addiction is contagious.  I don’t mean that in the sense that if you get around an alcoholic/addict you automatically become one also.  I meant that in the sense that if a person who is sick with this disorder is around you the tendency is to pick up some of the symptoms (such as selfishness and self-centeredness).

An illness of this sort – and we have come to believe it an illness – involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer’s. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents – anyone can increase the list.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 18)

There are appropriate times, places and ways to have necessary conversations about real concerns and wounds.  There are also times when we want to engage in such conversations mainly because we are “concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity”.

A good reality check for all of us is to look at ourselves and how sick we are ourselves before we get busy about relieving the pressure inside of each one of us to erupt into an explosion of what’s wrong with another person.

Those who work in medicine have an obligation to “do no harm”.  It would seem that it is a good rule in general and a great way to measure when it is right and wrong to express these things.  After all, what right do you have to rant about the problems that person has if you are a part of the problem yourself (that includes even just influencing the other people this person encounters by talking about that person “behind their back”).

It is not a matter of if the alcoholic/addict person is indeed a sick person.  It is a question of if you are so sick that you are going to make the sick person sicker instead of better.

Think of the reality involved in reality checking like you think of nuclear energy:  It can be used (carefully) as a cheap and powerful source of energy and a huge benefit or it can be unleashed in a way that creates chaos and global annihilation.  The reality check is not good or bad in and of itself it is a matter of how it is used.

That brings us back, full circle, to our original question:

Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will?  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 140)

Can you deal with this person and with those you discuss this person with in a way that is focused on not doing harm to him/her or how others view him/her.  If you find that not to be possible, you may be at a point where you are a part of the problem also.  You may have gotten there because of that person and what he/she has done to you, but the reasons do not change the facts.  If you do not like the problems and want to be free of the problems, one of the first things you need to do is see if you are a part of keeping the problem going and if so STOP!

If you are supposed to be helping the problem and you are dong things that make the problem worse are you not like a person who sees a person dying of thirst and gives that person poison to drink.

I was going to stop there, then a thought occurred to me:  “There are going to be some of us who suffer from alcoholism/addiction that are going to weaponize this article and use it to attempt to fend off any attempts that a person would make to reality check him/her.

The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 74)

If you are in recovery, you must not forget “The Rule”:  you have to be considerate of how others feel and at the same time be hard on yourself.  If a person is inconsiderately vomiting their hurts and other problems they have with you at the wrong time in the wrong way, you may have to deal with it as if your life depended on what they have to say (it might).

The key in that case is to “eat the fish and spit out the bones.”  You need to find ways to sift through the crazy and find the elements of what that person is saying that is true and is a fact that you have to face if you are to get better.

What you cannot do, in attempting to deal with your own problem, is to lose focus on what you are working on by hiding behind or whining about the problem another person has (like not communicating with you properly).

What I am getting at is that everyone involved has to think of himself/herself as a person who is growing and is a work in progress.  Every person involved also has to think of every other human being as a person who is growing and is a work in progress.

I am not saying that anyone is to be a verbal or emotional punching bag for another individual.  What I am saying is that times, places, approaches and reactions need to be considered carefully with the question:  “Am I being selfish and self-centered in some way or am I seeing a problem and trying to be a helpful part of the solution?”

There are the sick and there are the sick that make them sicker.  Both need to work on getting better and all of us need to work on avoiding living as either.

Stay sober my friends!

Wade H.

The Solution vs. The Confusion

An Alcoholics Anonymous Regional Service Cente...

The Solution vs. The Confusion

He was sober. It was years since I could remember his coming to New York in that condition. I was amazed. Rumor had it that he had been committed for alcoholic insanity. I wondered how he had escaped. Of course he would have dinner, and then I could drink openly with him. Unmindful of his welfare, I thought only of recapturing the spirit of other days.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 9)

 

The door opened and he stood there, fresh-skinned and glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different. What had happened?

I pushed a drink across the table. He refused it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what had got into the fellow. He wasn’t himself.

“Come, what’s this all about?” I queried.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 9)

By the time we hit this point in founding member Bill W.’s story, he has tried to get sober several times, his whole world is coming apart (already has come apart) and he is sitting around waiting to die.

He has a friend (Ebby T.) who was as much an alcoholic as he was, who had sunk so far that he heard he had been committed.  Suddenly this guy shows up and he is sober (apparently a “condition” Bill had rarely ever seen him in).  Bill had been trying and desperately wishing to get sober and when he finds one person as bad as he was his first response is to try and get that person to relapse.  Then when the guy refuses, he is disappointed.

Bill, of all people, knew how strong the temptation to relapse is.  Bill, of all people, should have wanted to rejoice in his friend’s freedom and desperately sought to find the same solution.  Bill, of all people, should have wanted to help his friend instead of attempting to destroy his world with relapse.

The truth is that in recovery the people around you are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem.  They may not know which they are, but they are. 

Here is a fact to keep in mind:  The fact that a person has good intentions (or thinks they have good intentions) does not mean that whatever he/she does is good.  For example, lots of people have it in their mind that a person who is sober cannot possibly be a happy person.  So if such a person encounters a person who was miserable using and has finally struggled through recovery and has found some short time of recovery, the person who feels that a sober person cannot possibly be happy will try to convince that person to use, believing that getting that person to use is doing them some kind of favor.

The fact is that if a person who uses so heavily that to use is to destroy his/her life get’s sobriety there is no reason to use again.   A person who is trying to get such a person to us, no matter what the intentions are, is attacking that person and everything he/she cares about.  Whether a person intends to attack or unintentionally attacks does not matter when the attack has the potential to destroy your whole world.

What is the difference between a person who gets angry with you and shoots you in the head and a person who mistakenly thinks that the best way to make your headache go away is to shoot you in the head?  Once you are shot in the head, the intentions matter very little. 

If you are a person in recovery, it is very important that you understand that some people are simply not safe for you to be around, no matter what their intentions are or seem to be. 

If you are the friend or loved one of someone in recovery, there is so much more than just what you intend to do or don’t intend to do.  Again; you are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem.  If you really want to be a part of the solution, you are going to have to learn a lot about recovery also.    You may have to learn about codependence and about how to not be an enabler.  You may have to be more understanding or learn “tough love” as the case may be.  That person’s alcoholism/addiction may have changed you also in ways that need to be changed back.  You may also be an addict/alcoholic and have to seek recovery also.  You may not have had anything to do with their using (or just think you didn’t), but you can be a part of his/her recovery.  If you are not willing to be a part of his/her recovery you probably will become a part of the struggle and resistance to his/her recovery.

Let me be clear however:  The people around the alcoholic/addict cannot make a person recover; keep him/her sober; force him/her to stay sober etc.   What we can do is help make recovery more likely or considerably less likely.  The people around the alcoholic/addict also have the ability to make the person’s life far more miserable than necessary if we are not careful.

A person in recovery needs to limit exposure to the “part of the problem” people as much as possible and spend as much time as possible with the “part of the solution” people as possible (Although some “part of the problem” people cannot be avoided entirely; as a rule, exposure to them should be as limited as possible).  This is what the support groups (meetings) are supposed to be hinged on:

We are average Americans. All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds. We are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain’s table. Unlike the feelings of the ship’s passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 17)

These sorts of understanding people who truly engage with each other in this way a an infinite help to anyone in recovery.  A group that meets that is not like this (be it a 12 Step group or otherwise) is lacking something terribly important and helpful to those of us in recovery. 

The kind of people around a person in recovery is of the incredibly important and if you are a friend or loved one of a person in recovery, the kind of person you are is incredibly important.  Founding member of Alcoholics Anonymous describes how he was drawn in to the group of people that wanted to help him this way:

About the time of the beer experiment I was thrown in with a crowd of people who attracted me because of their seeming poise, health, and happiness. They spoke with great freedom from embarrassment, which I could never do, and they seemed very much at ease on all occasions and appeared very healthy. More than these attributes, they seemed to be happy. I was self conscious and ill at ease most of the time, my health was at the breaking point, and I was thoroughly miserable. I sensed they had something I did not have, from which I might readily profit. I learned that it was something of a spiritual nature, which did not appeal to me very much, but I thought it could do no harm.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 178)

I think a clearer way to state all of this is:

The people around the person in recovery and the alcoholic/addict are either part of the solution or a part of the confusion. 

Which are you and which are those around you?

Stay sober my friends,

Wade H.

Are You Willing???

Are You Willing???

Your candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all of the program. He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which requires discussion with other people. Do not contradict such views. Tell him you once felt as he does, but you doubt whether you would have made much progress had you not taken action. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 94)

This is not just a possibility in is a probability.  Most newcomers have some problem with some part of the program.  Drastic housecleaning is something many never do.  Those are the people who go to meetings and share etc. but never really do any recovery work or the they just leave (unless court ordered). 

This is not cause for a person more advanced in recovery, a friend, or loved one to freak out, it is normal.  If you are this person who has a problem with some part of the program however, you are at a huge crossroads.  It’s an all or nothing proposition.  You don’t have to accept all of it this minute, but you will have to accept it all in time.

The truth is either a person is willing to do whatever it takes to get recovery or not.

Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76)

It’s not really important if you understand everything yet or totally agree with each aspect, the question is:  “How serious are you about recovery?”  In other words; “are you serious enough to do a few things you don’t yet understand or agree with?”

For those who are the friends and families of the addict or alcoholic in question, you have an important role in this also.  At the time the book was written it was you who found out if the person was that serious before even being introduced to recovery.

Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so. If he says yes, then his attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered. You should be described to him as one of a fellowship who, as part of their own recovery, try to help others and who will be glad to talk to him if he cares to see you.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 90)

If you are the person, just think of doubt, discomfort and fear as part of the recovery process.  These feelings are some of the obstacles that must be overcome.  Think of what the authors were trying to do:

To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book.  (Alcoholics Anonymous – Foreword to First Edition)

You are trapped somewhere you do not know how to escape from and someone has given you a precise map of escape to follow.  It really doesn’t make sense to only follow the parts you like and ignore other important details of the map or to throw out the map and go it alone.  The escape map is precisely made so it can be precisely followed.

The idea of us as addicts or alcoholics only doing what we are comfortable with and calling it recovery is thoroughly ridiculous.  Just the abstinence required to work recovery is uncomfortable as a starting point.  If we only did what we felt comfortable with; WE WOULD NEVER STOP USING BECAUSE IN OUR MINDS IT IS MORE COMFORTBLE.

If you are ready, just follow the detailed map in detail or don’t be surprised if you get lost.  You can do this, but just keep the short phrase; “ALL OR NOTHING” in the back of your mind.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58)

ARE YOU WILLING???

Inside the Head of the Addict or Alcoholic

Do you find my brain? - Auf der Suche nach mei...
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How could men who loved their wives and children be so unthinking, so callous, so cruel? There could be no love in such persons, we thought. And just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more. Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would reply with some silly excuse, or none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 107)

This passage is written specifically to wives of alcoholics (the chapter is named “To Wives”) but it really is a message to all who have a loved one or friend who has serious alcoholism or addiction issues. 

People around us that don’t suffer from the same addictions as us often have these or similar questions bouncing around in their minds.  “How could we be so unthinking or uncaring?”  The actual answer is that in most cases, we don’t know.  This is not (or at least not always) an attempt to excuse some bad behavior; this is often the actual answer.  As a matter of fact, in many cases we were asking ourselves the same questions.

My point here is not to excuse any behaviors or actions, but to help those who have a loved one or a friend who is suffering to understand that much of this is not personal, it is just part of what addicts and alcoholics do.  That by no means implies that you have to just sit back and let it happen, it just means that often it is not that we don’t care or want to hurt anyone, it is often just a crazy that seems compulsive to us.

In this post I hope to help those around an addict or alcoholic see what we do more clearly and for the addict or alcoholic to get an idea of how crazy our behavior seems to others. 

Let’s look at a few of these common things we do that confuse or hurt those close to us.  We will start with the progression that Bill W. (Bill W. one of the founding members) went through as his using got to be worse and worse.  You may see close similarities to your friend, loved one or to yourself if you suffer from addiction or alcohol problems.

1.  We ignore discussions and signs that we might be getting worse or “going overboard”

Though my drinking was not yet continuous, it disturbed my wife. We had long talks when I would still her forebodings by telling her that men of genius conceived their best projects when drunk; that the most majestic constructions of philosophic thought were so derived.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 2)

In this case he was starting to show signs of that his using might be developing into a serious problem.  His wife, who would know, was disturbed and would try to have discussion about it with him.  He not only wouldn’t consider what she was concerned about, he tried to convince her that it is better for people to be drunk because they somehow work better. 

This is a part of being a serious alcoholic or addict.  One of the first signs that we are losing our grip is that someone outside of you begins to be bothered or concerned.  According to this, she didn’t go nuts; she even had reasonable discussion about it.  Someone close to him was showing loving concern and it was as if they were speaking different languages. 

Old Bill also made sure he explained how geniuses and great philosophers were not on users of alcohol, but did their best thinking and working while drink.  I suspect that he was convincing his wife and himself at the same time.  Oh what a cloud of nonsense that we can disappear behind when confronted.  This is also a normal part of what it is to be an addict or alcoholic.  Not only do we not listen, we blurt out almost reasonable sounding excuses for our using.

2.  Everything seems like it is just better when using.  In Bill’s Story, Bill simply put it this way

Drink was taking an important and exhilarating part in my life. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 3)

Using takes an important role in the life of the person.  I starts to become the source of excitement no matter what the person is doing.  If the person is doing something exciting, he or she feels like it would be a little more exciting if he or she were using and it is missing something if he or she doesn’t use. 

If we are in an environment where it is not socially acceptable to use we slip off to use or we just don’t enjoy ourselves.  It is a feeling like something is missing even in the most exciting of activities.

3.  Using moves from important to dominant.  It begins to take over as most important in the person’s life.

My drinking assumed more serious proportions, continuing all day and almost every night. The remonstrances of my friends terminated in a row and I became a lone wolf. There were many unhappy scenes in our sumptuous apartment. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 3)

So now, Bill is almost always drunk.  What that means is where it used to be that drunk was added to whatever he was doing, now, whatever he is doing is being added to the fact that he is drunk.  It no longer is just there to make other things better, the other things have to be reduced to things that make being drunk better (or they are not to be done). 

What all of that means is that the world becomes measured by how it interacts with my high or attempts to get high.  Getting high or drunk now dominates my thoughts and desires and everything else is in servitude to my new master; intoxication.  The way I like to see this is that it is not that person necessarily loves you or whatever he or she loved before less, he or she has just started loving being high or drunk more.

Then there is this remonstrances of his friends terminating in a row stuff.  What is all that?  Lets define two of the terms used using the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

  • Remonstrances = an earnest presentation of reasons for opposition or grievance
  • Row = have a quarrel

So that translates to:  “The presentation of reasons opposing the amount of drinking Bill W. was doing let to quarrels or fights and he ended up being a loner.”  Every time people tried to bring to his attention how bad his using was getting, he would get into a fight with them to the point of chasing them off.  The fights would be so bad and his level of using so bad that the people who cared enough about him to say something to him decided to stay away from him all together.

That’s when our crazy really starts to come out.  There are these people who really care about us, enough to try and talk to us about our obviously growing problem, and we push them away.  We scream, holler, say stupid things, insult them, whatever it takes, just so they do not interfere with or try to interfere with our using.  Because remember, we usually haven’t started caring for the person who confronts us less, we just care about being high or drunk more.  So if that person is interfering, high or drunk must be protected at all costs.

One more thing from this passage, notice the change of tone in his relationship with his wife.  Before, they were having “long talks,” now they are having “unhappy scenes.”   Those of us who get to this level of using start pushing anyone who cares about us away, but some people are more tied to us than others.  So even though he had become a loner, his wife was there whenever he decided to be home.  It’s probably not about loving her less; it’s probably about loving being high or drunk more.  She may be second on the list, but if she is in any way going to interfere with his high or with his comfort, she is immediately a problem.  She probably stays in second place, but a very distant second place.

The pushing away of people is a normal part of the alcoholic’s or addict’s life.  There may seem to be many different reasons (such as to not think about how much we hate ourselves, to avoid facing the problem, to avoid the stress, etc.) but, the real problem is that sick as it may sound, in our heads, the high becomes the most important thing to be protected in our lives. 

None of that excuses it, but it is a fact at this level of using.

4.   There starts to be small physical changes

I began to be jittery in the morning.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 3)

This will vary between alcohol and other drugs of choice and will even vary between different people.  Different things happen.  It may be the shakes, bags under the eyes, breaking out or rashes, extreme weight loss or gain, lots of minor illnesses (colds, flu’s, etc.), and many other physical symptoms. 

These are some of the signs that the person’s body is having some troubles with the chemicals the person is ingesting.  The odd part is we rarely even notice these signs of problems and if we do we tell ourselves they are somehow normal.  As a rule if our bodies are trying to reject something or are have a negative response to something, it is a bad idea to continue taking in whatever it is.  Yet we always find some reason to go on anyway. 

When these signs start to appear, we are on the verge of serious problems (beyond whatever other serious problems we are causing ourselves).  This is the point that those around us should feel an urgency and a desperation for us, the problem is that by this time they are pushed away from previous attempts to talk to or deal with us.  We on the other hand, are at this point thinking in such a distorted way that we would be willing to have some physical problems as long as we can be drunk or high.

5.  It eventually progresses from being the most important thing in our lives to the totality of our life.  We have been pretty bad by this point and it is clear to those around us that we are an alcoholic or addict, but at some point it gets even worse

Liquor ceased to be a luxury; it became a necessity. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 5)

The way Bill W. observed this is that his addiction became as important as breathing, his heart beating and eating in his mind.   It was no longer something that he did, it became a must.  He was not able to function if not using.  This is another area that will look different depending upon the addiction and the person, but this is another sign that the problem has progressed to incredibly desperate levels.

At this point it is incredibly hard to stop, to want to stop, to see any way to stop or even to take a break.  IN previous levels in this progression, if a person wanted to stop there would be struggle and some confusion etc. but at this level, it is a much bigger challenge.  When a person tries to stop there is so much confusion and inner resistance to stopping that the person will have a terrible time mustering any desire to stop. 

If the person was one of those people who could quit for a year here or there or six months here and there, that becomes increasingly difficult from here on.  It’s like asking them to quit breathing or to want to quit breathing. 

The thought life of the person also becomes monopolized by the desire to use.  It is as if the person only lives to use.  Work becomes only a way to get more (if work is even an option at this point).  Interactions with loved ones become ways to keep their world together so as not to hinder their ability to continue to get high.  For example one of the main reasons someone like this might not want a divorce is because he or she may end up paying child support etc. and have a harder time finding money to use with. 

It may have started at an earlier place in this progression, but it is common by this stage to lie about the using or to sneak using if there are still people around that would be seen as somehow interfering with the using.

6.  Serious physical dependence

I began to waken very early in the morning shaking violently. A tumbler full of gin followed by half a dozen bottles of beer would be required if I were to eat any breakfast. Nevertheless, I still thought I could control the situation, and there were periods of sobriety which renewed my wife’s hope. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 5)

At this point not only his mind acts as if using is as important as breathing or the heart beating, his body now reacts as if something important has stopped working properly whenever he is not using.  Think about what he has just stated.  When he did get to sleep (whatever time that happened at) the amount of time he spent sleeping (not using) created such a stress for his whole system that he awakened early to get more.  When he awakened his body would be shaking violently desperate to use even a little bit.  After that he even had to use if he wanted to eat his breakfast without throwing up.  His body would not even allow him to eat if he wasn’t using.

At this point it is hard to even imagine quitting as an option.  Think of it this way:  “If I can’t be sober long enough to sleep, how am I gonna be sober longer?” 

Now lets do a little reading to look at some occurrences in Bill W’s life at this point in the hope of getting some more understanding:

Then I got a promising business opportunity. Stocks were at the low point of 1932, and I had somehow formed a group to buy. I was to share generously in the profits. Then I went on a prodigious bender, and that chance vanished.
    I woke up. This had to be stopped. I saw I could not take so much as one drink. I was through forever. Before then, I had written lots of sweet promises, but my wife happily observed that this time I meant business. And so I did.
    Shortly afterward I came home drunk. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn’t know. It hadn’t even come to mind. Someone had pushed a drink my way, and I had taken it. Was I crazy? I began to wonder, for such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near being just that.
    Renewing my resolve, I tried again. Some time passed, and confidence began to be replaced by cock-sureness. I could laugh at the gin mills. Now I had what it takes! One day I walked into a cafe to telephone. In no time I was beating on the bar asking myself how it happened. As the whisky rose to my head I told myself I would manage better next time, but I might as well get good and drunk then. And I did.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs 5-6)

So Bill had promising work that could put him back on his feet, but couldn’t stay sober long enough to go through with it.  He finally “gets it” and knows how bad he has gotten and that he no longer has control and focuses himself on quitting.  He meant business and could only hold on a short time before coming home drunk again. 

Did you notice that the same questions that we would have for him, he had for himself.  Where was all that “resolve?”  What was going on in his mind when he relapsed?  Is he crazy?  Did you notice he could provide himself with no answer?  That is why he or she doesn’t give a reasonable answer or any answer to those strong enough to still care after all of this:  the person doesn’t have an answer!

Then there was a period where it looked like he had figured it out.  He had done it all on his own and gave great hope to those that still cared about him.  Then without warning, another relapse.

This may seem pretty bad but it gets worse. 

7.  Complete hopelessness (and possibly suicide attempts)

The remorse, horror and hopelessness of the next morning are unforgettable. The courage to do battle was not there. My brain raced uncontrollably and there was a terrible sense of impending calamity. I hardly dared cross the street, lest I collapse and be run down by an early morning truck, for it was scarcely daylight. An all night place supplied me with a dozen glasses of ale. My writhing nerves were stilled at last.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 6)

He had given up on the idea of sobriety and was scared while using too.  The only escape he had prior to this was no longer an escape.  Even using would not bring the desired escape any more yet sobriety even more unbearable.  There was no place to escape from the results of using so he went and used. 

For those who have never used or have never been this far along in their using, welcome to the insanity that is bouncing around the head of a person living at this level.  After this reality, sometimes a person reaches what seems to be the only logical conclusion (this may have been a problem previously and may have even preceded using, but it does seem to be supported by this twisted logic now).

Should I kill myself? No – not now.  Then a mental fog settled down. Gin would fix that.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 6)

This is pretty serious hopelessness.  Once you completely give up on yourself, there is really no place to hide from that fact.  You cannot truly hide from yourself.  The closest you can get to hiding from yourself is the mental fog spoken of here.  That’s not just being tipsy or a little high; that is being completely blitzed.

In the case of Bill W. he reached this point and stuck it out for years he describes hi mind and body as having to endure “this agony” for two more years and described it as “physical and mental torture.” 

Eventually his alcohol was not enough to get enough of a mental fog and watch what happens:

A doctor came with a heavy sedative. Next day found me drinking both gin and sedative. This combination soon landed me on the rocks. People feared for my sanity. So did I. I could eat little or nothing when drinking, and I was forty pounds under weight.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs 6-7)

Bill W. who seems to have been content with only using alcohol, and never showed an interest in doing any other drugs, suddenly is mixing drugs with his alcohol use.  In other words, just when it looks like it couldn’t get any worse, those of us who use at this terrible level as if by magic find a way to make it worse. 

In brief, Bill goes through recovery at a hospital and does quite well.  He leaves and gets a period of sobriety.  He thought he had the answer and that he had enough self-knowledge to remain sober.  He thought this was the end of his using.

But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more. The curve of my declining moral and bodily health fell off like a ski-jump. After a time I returned to the hospital. This was the finish, the curtain, it seemed to me. My weary and despairing wife was informed that it would all end with heart failure during delirium tremens, or I would develop a wet brain, perhaps within a year. She would soon have to give me over to the undertaker or the asylum.
    They did not need to tell me. I knew, and almost welcomed the idea.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs 6-7)

Those who have lived this know the feelings, the thoughts, the despair, the hopelessness and everything else that comes at this point.  Those who use heavily but have not gone this far (yet) may not recognize some of the latter details, but if you think about it, you can see how these things are the logical end to the continued using.  They may not look exactly like this or be in exactly the same order, but this sounds like the stories of many, many others who have gotten this far along in addiction.

Now, for those of you who are the friends and loved ones of the person like this or somewhere in the process of getting more and more like this, this has been outlined mainly for you.  This is not a scientific analysis of addicts and alcoholics, or a series of long term studies:  This is one of us describing the process exactly as we experience it.  This is a glimpse into the mind of the person you are worried about.  This is his or her perspective. 

Every situation is different and your response to this information in every case probably needs to be different also.  Some of you may not be as intense in harassing the person, and some of you may need to be more direct and blunt due to your new realization about how serious the situation is.   That is a detail that you probably need to work out with a local professional in the field or a local support group etc. 

I hope this post is simply a new look at the person and the struggles that person is facing.  So now back to the passage we started with:

How could men who loved their wives and children be so unthinking, so callous, so cruel? There could be no love in such persons, we thought. And just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more. Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would reply with some silly excuse, or none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 107)

When you reread this with the insights we have just gone through, we get answers to those questions.  Not the perfect answers and possibly not even satisfactory answers, but at least an understanding of what is going on. 

I hope that this information is helpful  for all who read it.

Wade H.