But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.
In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 37)
Let’s talk about the “insanely trivial excuse” described above. But before we go into that let me answer the big question: Why? Those of us who are around others in recovery regularly, often hear a whole lot of these “insanely trivial excuses” in early January from a bunch of people who relapsed or those who relapse and are trying to explain to the rest of us some “insanely trivial excuse” for why the relapse at New Years does not count as an actual relapse.
Here is the truth about this “insanely trivial excuse”. It is the excuse we arrive at to use at all, Not the excuse to get intoxicated, high, mess up our life, etc. It is the excuse we arrive at to tell ourselves and others that any amount (even the tiniest, teensy-weensy, itsy-bitsiest, little bit) is going to be safe for me. That means ignoring the truth that we have all heard repeatedly: You can never use intoxicating substances safely again.
These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic’s drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can’t feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 23)
If you are an addict or an alcoholic then the fact is that intoxicating substances make you self-destructively stupid. With the use of even the tiniest, teensy-weensy, itsy-bitsiest, little bit comes the risk of absolute destruction of yourself, of everyone and everything you care about, of those that care about you, and the real possibility of seriously hurting or killing yourself or others. In other words there is no excuse even close to big enough to carry more weight than the potential pain, agony, and destruction that will result from a relapse. In light of this fact, any excuse is not only “insanely trivial” but is also insanely stupid. Using anything in any amount is a relapse period. A sip of a beer, a sip of champagne, a quick hit of a joint, just a little, whatever; it is still a relapse and the penalty is way, way too great. That is why any excuse; no matter how convincing it may sound is just like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer to make your headache go away.
My goal here is not to make anyone feel bad or guilty etc., the goal is to make clear the idea that there is no reason that you can come up with that is a good reason for you to use. If you come up with a reason it is simply a way of lying to yourself that you have found that will work to trick you into destroying yourself.
During the holidays it is not uncommon to find other people trying to make these excuses for you. They are trying to convince you that champagne does not count or that marijuana is not a drug, or that blah-blah-blah is not your “drug of choice” so it does not count.
Let’s just put it plainly: Your problem is getting high and your uncontrollable desire to get high. Yes most of us who are addicts and alcoholics have a high we most definitely prefer, but we use because we like being high. If I use something that can make me high if I continue to use it, I am probably going to have a strong urge to keep using it or to go and use whatever it is that I prefer to use to get high. Whatever the reason and no matter who is giving it to me THERE IS SIMPLY WAY TO MUCH RISK AND FAR, FAR TOO LITTLE TO GAIN!
A person or group of people that chose to try to force you to do something that you do not want to do and that has the potential to absolutely destroy you is probably someone you might consider not spending time with.
If you had an unexplainable urge to hurt yourself such as an uncontrollable urge to stab yourself in the head with a knife, we would keep you away from knives. Any excuse you came up with for having a knife would be considered unreasonable and we would find a way around it (such as cutting your food for you etc.). It is also probable that we would not give you other sharp objects either even though your obsession seems to be with knives. Scissors, pencils, ice picks, etc. would have to also be out of the question.
Now let’s say that you get to a relatively stable state and can be in public but still have to just avoid sharp objects in case you might trigger something that makes you suddenly do the same thing again. You go to a gathering of your friends and they entertain themselves by trying to make you play with sharp objects. They keep telling you, “It will be okay,” “Maybe if you just touch a few sharp objects with us here to protect you, you will get over it completely,” “Your problem is with knives, not these. You’ll be fine,” “Nobody ever kills themselves with pencils,” and similar statements.
Are these people really safe for you at that point? Can these people really say they have your best interests in mind or honestly say that they care about you? Aren’t these people simply entertaining themselves by risking your life?
All over the world on New Year’s Eve, there will be similar conversations. “It will be okay, because_____” “Maybe if you just use a little with us here to protect you,” “Your problem is with _______, not _____. You’ll be fine,” “Nobody ever kills themselves with _______. It will be fine” The same questions apply:
- · Are these people really safe for you at that point?
- · Can these people really say they have your best interests in mind or honestly say that they care about you?
- · Aren’t these people simply entertaining themselves by risking your life?
All of this falls under these “insanely trivial excuses” we have been talking about.
In the “To Wives” chapter of the Alcoholics Anonymous book (written to non-alcoholic wives of severely alcoholic men specifically but actually true information for anyone dealing with any addict/alcoholic: as well as being true and deep information for those of us who are the addicts/alcoholics) there is some basic information that can help in dealing with others and in weeding out the people who are not safe for you:
We find that most of this embarrassment is unnecessary. While you need not discuss your husband at length, you can quietly let your friends know the nature of his illness. But you must be on guard not to embarrass or harm your husband.
When you have carefully explained to such people that he is a sick person, you will have created a new atmosphere. Barriers which have sprung up between you and your friends will disappear with the growth of sympathetic understanding. You will no longer be self-conscious or feel that you must apologize as though your husband were a weak character. He may be anything but that. Your new courage, good nature and lack of self-consciousness will do wonders for you socially. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 115)
Like I said it was written “To Wives” but is a truth on several different levels. Be open about your problems to the people you will be around. If you are an addict let them know you are an addict working through sobriety. If you are an alcoholic do the same. Be humbly open.
Will you be uncomfortable; absolutely. Will some people treat you differently; yes absolutely. But, that is way better than destruction, horror and remorse of a relapse.
Any person who you share this with who cannot handle the information, or who in spite of this information feels the need try and gets you to use or uses this information to somehow hurt/annoy you: THAT PERSON IS NOT SAFE FOR YOU TO BE AROUND ESPECIALLY DURING HOLIDAY GATHERINGS!
Openness and honesty can add to your defenses. Part of those explanations you give to these people should include the fact that you cannot safely use any intoxicating substances whatsoever and your sincerely asking them to help you not do so. This is an added level of defense against your “insanely trivial excuses”, but all of this assumes that you are far enough along in your recovery to attend such gatherings.
This may take consultation with sponsors, mentors, counselors etc. as you might not be the best person to make this judgment call, but some of us are simply not ready for these sorts of events. If that is true, then it is a fact. If you have an idea that you are not or may not be ready and you start looking for reasons to convince yourself that you are ready, you have again begun the search for “insanely trivial excuses”. If you are not ready, spend the time working on becoming ready for future gatherings. Find a recovery meeting or event. Have a recovery gathering of your own with others in the same boat. Work on steps with your sponsor while everyone else is getting drunk and arrested.
The bottom line is take whatever drastic measures are necessary to remain sober through the holidays even if it means missing them all together. Remember, whatever reason you (or anyone else) can come up with to use ANYTHING is an “insanely trivial excuse” and is “insanely STUPID.”
Remember also that the “insanely trivial excuse” as stated in the passage at the beginning, is an “insanely trivial excuse” to take the first drink, hit, puff etc. It is the first little that is the relapse because in truth there is no tiniest, teensy-weensy, itsy-bitsiest, little bit. IT IS EITHER YOU DO ABSOLUTELY NONE OR IT IS A RELAPSE.
Stay Sober my Friends…
- Recovery: Change of Heart, Thought and Attitude (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
- How To Survive The Holidays – Part 1 (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
- How To Survive The Holidays – Part 2 (Black Friday & Christmas shopping Edition) (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
- Surviving The Holidays Pt 4 (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)