Past Experience vs. Your Present Experience
Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life. That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. The alcoholic’s past thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently it is almost the only one! (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 124)
Something that has to be a change in the way we think for all of this to work is how we see the past. It is astonishing how many people will skirt around truly working the steps as outlined simply to avoid having to look at the darkest areas of their past. The fear of looking at the past makes it clear that what we are calling the “past” is still the present. If it was not a problem in the present, there could be long detailed discussion and the angry, deeply saddened or seriously uncomfortable feelings would not come up.
In other words the things in your past are either resolved or they are not. If they still create some kind of negative emotions, these are still problems. If you find yourself having to manipulate the way you work your steps to avoid even talking about this and that from your past, then those things are some of your deepest unresolved problems in the here and now.
We cannot remain afraid of our past and hide that fact by saying things like: “Nothing can be done about that, why bring it back up” or “I’m over that, I just don’t feel like talking about it” or “Why do I need to talk about that, I’m not the person who did something wrong there” etc.
Then there are those who think that all of this is right and that the people working them through recovery and the people who wrote the Twelve Steps didn’t really understand this particular situation so I just won’t say anything to these people and will not put it on my Fourth or Eighth Steps and ignore it.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs.83– 84)
For those who are familiar with what are called the Promises, this is the first part of these “Promises.” Did you notice the “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” Part? If you are trying to ignore parts of your past of just act like these major events did not happen, you are heading in the wrong direction. You are choosing to stay in bondage to alcohol/drugs and to painfully limp along to a slow and dragged out, miserable death with nothing but insanity and pain along the way.
A few might be strong enough to get many years of sobriety with this same misery only to eventually find that nothing satisfies your life and eventually relapsing. These may seem like sweeping generalizations, but they do happen to be my observations and also happen to be the point the authors of the Alcoholics Anonymous book are making here.
If you are even beginning to think that you should just not talk about or deal with some things from your past, freak out and begin trying to deal with those specific things with a sponsor right then and there. The freaking out is warranted if you actually grasp the seriousness of the consequences if you do not deal with these things.
THE PAST IS ONLY THE PAST IF THESE THINGS DO NOT AFFECT YOU NEGATIVELY IN THE PRESENT AND WILL NOT IN THE FUTURE!!!
If you need to avoid just talking about something because the feelings that arise are too uncomfortable, then not only are you imprisoned by this thing from your past, but you have left a time bomb in your life that can go off at any moment and destroy you. It will eventually come up and you will probably not be in an environment where you are working through those sorts of things when it does.
Leave no stone unturned, leave no incident from your past off of your inventories and leave no past issue in your life unresolved.
If you deal with all of these things and resolve them to the point where they can come up without those destructive or fearful feelings then the rest of this “Promises” stuff will apply to you (the promises appear at the end of Step Nine in the Alcoholics Anonymous book). You are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. You will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace; and so on.
To set up a better future you will have to deal with those things from the past that are waiting to subtly destroy that future.
A final note to consider about the first passage here is that the passage is speaking of the entire family, not just the alcoholic/addict. If there is to be any healthy growth in the family, all will have to deal with the past until all things are resolved in this manner.
The excuses that “He/she is the alcoholic/addict, I shouldn’t have to do this” is a cop out. You are protecting your own self destroying time bomb that will destroy your family, the person working recovery and possibly you too.
The bottom line:
DEAL WITH IT BEFORE IT DEALS WITH YOU!!!
Stay sober my friends;
- The “No Matter What The Consequences” “Go To Any Length” Promises (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
- “In The Face Of Expert Opinion To The Contrary, We Have Recovered” (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)