Volcano-Vomit and Huge, Pink, Dancing Elephants in
Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 77)
Okay, before I start, I just wanted to warn you that I am about to go off on a rant, so consider yourself duly warned.
Here is the background to all of this. I was at a meeting that I don’t normally attend and right before the meeting a couple of seemingly important woman came hurriedly in, taping little notes everywhere.
They seemed a bit distressed and very urgent about their task and since nobody else tripped on it besides me; I assumed I must be correct about them being important.
They started to have a few conversations with people in the room who I assume to be regulars, but the conversations they were having were the passive aggressive, I want everyone to hear my point kind.
You know the kind where you are talking to somebody, but you are not looking at that person, you are looking at the other people around with that intense, tightened eyebrow, stair that is some sort of nicer evil eye. I suppose it is the passive aggressive, unspoken version of, “You better listen here all of you, or else!”
So I figured I ought to listen to any message that was important enough to be preceded by so much passive aggressive intensity. Turns out, the were in all bent out of shape because a couple of people at some previous meeting had mentioned drug use and they were determined to make sure that nobody ever made such a terrible assault on them again.
As I watched I realized these ladies were on a witch hunt and were trying to campaign to get enough support to vote to have the meeting be a closed meeting and allow no addicts unless they only discussed alcohol. So their anger had become this volcano and the minutes before the meeting became a time to vomit lava on all of those they knew in attendance that would listen (and apparently on those of us they didn’t know also)
Now, covered in the vomit-lava of the group conscience vigilantes all I could think was: Someone needs to do a Fourth Step (or I guess both somones). Then I started pondering the Twelve Traditions and recordings I have of statements from founding members about this whole topic and then my mind switched. Didn’t Dr. Bob and Bill W. both mention use of other substances besides alcohol in their stories. So before I go on, Lets take a look:
A doctor came with a heavy sedative. Next day found me drinking both gin and sedative. This combination soon landed me on the rocks. People feared for my sanity. So did I. I could eat little or nothing when drinking, and I was forty pounds under weight. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 6– 7)
Keeping in mind that it hadn’t been all that long that they had taken cocaine out of soda or that cocaine was prescribed to treat morphine addiction I am of the assumption that the sedative that when added to Bill W.’s alcoholism made him hit bottom must have been some pretty strong stuff.
After Bill started mixing this stuff, he then lost weight and crazy as he had clearly been, this suddenly was the point where the people around him freaked out about his well being and even desperately started trying to get him to help.
I bet if I told the similar story in this meeting there would be rolling eyes and groans until finally somebody would rudely let me know that we only discuss alcohol at these meetings.
Dr. Bob’s mention was not as key to his story or demise, but it is still there in a clear way and is a pertinent part of his story:
During the next few years, I developed two distinct phobias. One was the fear of not sleeping, and the other was the fear of running out of liquor. Not being a man of means, I knew that if I did not stay sober enough to earn money, I would run out of liquor. Most of the time, therefore, I did not take the morning drink which I craved so badly, but instead would fill up on large doses of sedatives to quiet the jitters, which distressed me terribly. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 175 – 4th Edition – Doctor Bob’s Nightmare)
Dr. Bob would use drugs to keep him going when he couldn’t drink. Drugs to keep him going until the liquor could begin flowing!
I pondered what response I would get from sharing a story like this from in front of this meeting. Probably some rolled eyes and angry groans, but I suppose it was not intense enough to give the volcanoes enough time to erupt into volcanic vomit all over me.
Well, that’s just two of the founding members and may be an anomaly (even though I just showed you that that lightening struck twice in each story of the two founding members). What if I told you this sort of thing was what the founding membership considered the norm of a person who was an alcoholic? What if I told you that this was so strongly considered a part of the definition of an alcoholic that they agreed to allow this to be written in the Alcoholics Anonymous book?
As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work. Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again. Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative with which to taper off. Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.
This is by no means a comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary. But this description should identify him roughly. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 22)
The general definition and description of what they considered to be an alcoholic included the fact that he/she was a person who probably goes to a doctor to get 1930’s doses of morphine or some crazy 1930’s sedative and THEN he/she will appear at hospitals and sanitariums.
This was at least a normal part of the description.
I couldn’t help but think that: “Well, that was a long time ago and the fellowship has changed until I reflected back to a story I recently read in the stories included in the current Forth Edition of the Alcoholics Anonymous book that can only lead me to believe the topic of drugs is not a forbidden subject in Alcoholics Anonymous:
I asked myself what I would do for a patient who felt this rotten. The answer came right back: I’d give him something to pep him up. So I immediately started taking and shooting pep pills. Eventually, I was taking forty-five milligrams of the long-acting Benzedrine and forty-five of the short acting just to get out of bed in the morning. I took more through the day to increase the high, and more to maintain it; when I overshot the mark, I’d take tranquilizers to level off. The pep pills affected my hearing at times: I couldn’t listen fast enough to hear what I was saying. I’d think, I wonder why I’m saying that again–I’ve already said it three times. Still I couldn’t turn my mouth off.
For the leveling of process, I just loved intravenous Demerol, but I found it hard to practice good medicine while shooting morphine. Following an injection, I would have to keep one hand busy scratching my constantly itching nose and would also have sudden uncontrollable urges to vomit. I never got much effect out of codeine and Percodan and the tranquilizers. However, for a period of time I was injecting Pentothal intravenously to put myself to sleep. That’s the stuff used when the oral surgeon puts the needle in your vein and says, “Count to ten,” and before you get to two, you’re asleep. Instant blackout was what it was, and it seemed delightful. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 410 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer)
I would put the needle in my vein and then try to figure out exactly how much medication to inject to overcome the pep pills while adding to the sleeping pills while ignoring the tranquilizers in order to get just enough to be able to pull out the needle, jerk the tourniquet, throw it in the car, slam the door shut, run down the hall, and fall in the bed before I fell asleep. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 410-411 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer)
Wow! I wonder if I stood at this same meeting, with the volcano-vomit ladies in the room and told this story (that is in the Alcoholics Anonymous book) as if it were my own, what their response would be.
My next words might be something like: “Who are all of those people with pitchforks and torches?”
There is a message in this story that many of us alcoholics (using the definition that the founding members used of alcoholic as found in the Alcoholics Anonymous book) need to hear. That message:
Today, I find that I can’t work my A.A. program while taking pills, nor may I even have them around for dire emergencies only. I can’t say, “Thy will be done,” and take a pill. I can’t say, “I’m powerless over alcohol, but solid alcohol is okay.” I can’t say, “God could restore my sanity, but until He does, I’ll control myself with pills. Giving up alcohol alone was not enough for me; I’ve had to give up all mood- and mind-affecting chemicals in order to stay sober and comfortable. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 411 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer)
I don’t go to meetings to go along with whatever the most recent volcano-vomiting has manipulated a group into believing or not believing, liking or disliking. There is a book for a reason. That is the basis of all of the information.
I am not saying that there should never be any closed meetings that only discuss alcohol. But, really? Are this many meetings really containing a majority of people who use alcohol only? In my discussions with people I have found that the majority of people (in my area) that are in Alcoholics Anonymous meeting use alcohol and some kind of drugs as well as alcohol. If you took those people out of the equation in my area, there would be no meetings to speak of because nobody would be meeting.
It’s this big, pink, dancing elephant in the rooms that we are told to ignore and never talk about. If you are able to ignore the big, pink, dancing elephant, something is really wrong with your ability to observe or something is not clicking on all cylinders with you.
The next part of the conversation that many of those reading this will want to start is the “Don’t they have other meetings for that stuff?” (I’m not sure, at least in my area, who the “they” are as the “they” seems to be the majority of the “us”?)
First off, everything Twelve Step is an attempt to interpret what is written in the Alcoholics Anonymous book to sound relevant to a person with some other particular problem. If this source document of all of the other Twelve Step programs covers all of the problems I suffer from and the meetings are supposed to be based on what is in this book, shouldn’t this be the meeting for me?
Now to my point: If the majority of the group is suffering from both drugs and alcohol addiction shouldn’t we discuss our problems as such? At least to the levels the founding members did in the Alcoholics Anonymous book as we read?
Isn’t what the man in the Acceptance Was The Answer story in the Alcoholics Anonymous book correct for most of us when he states: “I find that I can’t work my A.A. program while taking pills,” (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 411 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer).
Just like how mixing drug use with alcohol use was bottom for founding member Bill W. and for much of what the founding membership called and alcoholic, mixing quitting drug use with quitting alcohol is probably the best road out.
Remember the passage I started with:
Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 77)
As far as group conscience etc. the group conscience had to keep the idea that our real purpose (as individuals and as such as a group when we collect together) is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service.
What does that mean if we are voting to close a meeting so nobody can talk about drug use when most of the group uses both drugs and alcohol?
In this instance (and some other similar instances I have seen) all of this stems from one or two people who were made uncomfortable and rallying the troops behind himself/herself for the cause.
I would say that if a person only wants to be made comfortable and never wants to hear or encounter that which makes him/her uncomfortable in a meeting that person is completely missing the major target that we are aiming for in Twelve Step recovery. That person is ruled by the deepest part of our problem:
Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)
That is a person so interested in controlling the environment for his/her comfort that he/she is entirely willing to damage the recovery process of some segment of the group and future newcomers without a second thought. That person is only seeking to be of maximum service to himself/herself and is deeply rooted in the root of our problem.
The answer seems to be the title of the story that had all of the detailed drug references and it is something we all need to consider: “Acceptance Was The Answer!”
Let me just put it out there: THERE IS A HUGE, PINK, DANCING ELEPHANT IN OUR ROOM AND WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT OR LOTS OF PEOPLE WILL GET HURT!!! STOP COMPLAINING AND BE HELPFUL TO SOMEBODY!!!
Just a funny side note: There were two gentlemen that arrived late to this meeting who both turned out to be from a local recovery program and introduced themselves as being both alcoholics and addicts.
My Cheshire Cat grin and super villain nod in agreement were my moments of passive aggressive delight as I brushed the volcano-vomit off.
Stay Sober My Friends (from Alcohol and Drugs)