Are You Ready (Do You Know You Are Drowning?)??????
If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58)
If you are trying to get or hoping to get recovery, then you absolutely need to ponder these two thoughts.
- Do you want what we have and if so
- Are you willing to do anything, including some things you absolutely do not want to do, to get the lifestyle of freedom we have.
These questions are vital to any hope of recovery.
Over the past few weeks I have encountered an inordinate amount of people that are trying to begin recovery who are court ordered or otherwise brought to recovery by another individual. When I see people like this I usually wonder what their answer to these two questions is.
I heard one fellow, when asked if he considered himself desperate say that he didn’t know. My immediate first thoughts were, “If you do not know if you’re desperate or not; you probably are not.” A desperate person usually knows that he/she is desperate.
I have discussed this previously, but desperation is key to being willing to do all of the uncomfortable, unpleasant and sometimes outright scary things that are asked of you in recovery. For example:
- People who are not desperate will not be thorough and honest about their Fourth Steps. There will always be some things that are left off of it, minimized, softened or only partially described on it.
- People who are not desperate will not have the strength or desire to make amends to the people that are hardest to make amends to.
- People who are not desperate will not take a brutally honest look at themselves as it is too painful.
Desperation is the motivation to go towards and fight through the most uncomfortable parts of working through recovery.
We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 28)
That is desperation: The desperation a drowning person for oxygen. In light of this example, the idea of being desperate and not realizing you are desperate is a completely foolish idea. If a drowning person was somehow completely unaware of how desperate the situation is, that person would have no motivation to seek air.
- “I probably need air, but I can probably wait.”
- “Yeah I know I need air and could drown, but I’m just not ready yet.”
- “I wish I could be desperate for air like other drowning people, but I just can’t see it like them.”
- “Yeah, I know I need air, but I’m not like those other drowning people”
All of that sounds really silly. Well that is how the idea of recovery without understanding the concept of how desperate you are sounds. This understanding of desperation is a big part of working Step One and is necessary to even begin the Twelve Steps.
For those of us who sponsor others or are looking to sponsor others, this is an extremely important concept. It is how you are to know if somebody is even ready for you to work with them. Look at this passage explaining how to get sponsees:
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 96)
The implications of this passage are that if a person is not desperate there is no sense in working with that person. That person is better off being released to discover how desperate his or her situation is.
On a deeper level, if you are willing to give of your time, your life and your knowledge to someone why invest all that effort on a person who is not ready. What about the people who are ready that cannot find someone to help them while you are off wasting time with someone who is not truly ready. It’s literally letting a desperate person who could be saved die slowly while you are trying to save a person who doesn’t want to be saved.
If you are a sponsor or otherwise work with people in recovery, this must be a major consideration. If a person does not have this level of desperation for recovery you have to try to get that person to understand how desperate his/her situation is. If that person cannot reach that level of desperation, you have to be strong enough to let that person go and hopefully get that understanding through life experience.
If you are a friend or loved one who is trying to help a person who needs recovery then trying to make that person work recovery in a way that he/she is not interested in is expecting that person to succeed in recovery without that desperation. That person has to realize how desperate he/she already is and you can try to explain it to him/her. If you cannot talk that person into that understanding then you may have to use what many people call “tough love” to help that person understand. That does not mean punishing that person, but that does mean letting the person suffer from the natural consequences of his/her actions.
If that person get’s locked up, he/she needs to find bail elsewhere. If you told that person that, “Next time you are out” then the next time you have to put that person out. If every time you give that person money for something responsible that money disappears, you are going to have to stop giving him/her money etc. all of that in the hope that he/she will realize that he/she desperately needs recovery at all costs.
That is what people are describing when they use the term “hitting bottom”. The understanding that the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of going through recovery.
If you are the person that is starting recovery or even if you have been working recovery, you need to look at your own desperation and ask yourself are you this kind of “ready” for recovery. That requires some deep honesty and searching and if you cannot say a definitive “yes”, that means some deep changing of your entire mindset is necessary.
It may seem like we are telling you that complete misery must be a part of someone’s life before recovery is possible and that only the miserable recover. In some ways that is true, but it is not the misery that is key; it is the desperation which in many cases can only be realized when miserable. That misery can force a person to realize that he/she wants change and more importantly make that person desperate to get it. Then that person is ready to take the steps.
Stay sober my friends…
- Darkness, Powerlessness, and the Dawn (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
- Tolerance, Patience and Good Will (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
- How to Not Poison Your World In Bad Times (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
- Only Two Options – Sober or Not Sober! (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
- May 4, 2012 – Just for Today (cmmacneil.wordpress.com)