Valentine’s Day – A Recovery Check and A Reality Check
It was a devastating blow to my pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last. Now I was to plunge into the dark, joining that endless procession of sots who had gone on before. I thought of my poor wife. There had been much happiness after all. What would I not give to make amends. But that was over now. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 7 – 8)
As we head towards Valentine’s Day, we should all stop and ponder those we care about and those that care about us. Many alcoholics/addicts are like Bill W. was doing in the passage above and wait until the point where everything seemed doomed and hopeless before even having time to even give any thought to those people. In other words it’s time for a Valentine’s reality check and a Valentine’s recovery check. We must look at the people we interact with or should be interacting with and be willing to do whatever is right.
Some of us claim that the people we care about and those that care about us do not exist. Some of us have reasons (real or imaginary) to be so mad at these people that we forget that we care about these people or that they care about us (that means also forgetting that “resentment is the number one offender” pg. 64). Some of us are so busy being pitiful and feeling sorry for ourselves that we come across as liars or wishy-washy whenever we try to talk to these people.
Whatever the distorted reasons, this is a time of year where there are expectations that true feelings will be shared.
Each of us needs to take this opportunity and be honest to ourselves and to those who care about us as well as those we care about.
That means taking an inventory of our treatment of those who care about us or those we care about. This also means getting others of more wisdom involved that can help determine what actions to take immediately, but make sure those are people who are truly wise and are not just the “yes-man” (or woman) who repeatedly nods and directs towards the softer easier way which is to avoid dealing with the issues.
There is something I call “The Rule” when it comes to recovery and how we must relate to others if we are to have any hope of recovery:
The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 74)
Way too many people (and way to many of them who call themselves sponsors or recovery experts) think the rule is that we are hard on others while always being considerate of our own comfort levels.
The fact is that you need to be hard on yourself and considerate of others. That also means that the people who you enlist as guides on your journey towards sensibility and recovery need to be on that page also. They nee to be the types of people that are hard on you while also giving you direction that is always considerate of others.
It is surprisingly easy to find so-called experts or iffy sponsors that will tell you; “Oh, you don’t have to do _____ , that’s too much” etc. These people are often doing more to damage your recovery than to help whether they mean to or not.
Founding member, Bill W. was plugging right along until he thought the end was near and then he wished he had done all of this differently now that it seemed to be too late.
This all falls into the area of making amends. Let’s look at a couple of definitions from the dictionary for “amends”:
1. reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.
3. make amends, to compensate, as for an injury, loss, or insult: I tried to make amends for the misunderstanding by sending her flowers.
One thing that obvious is that using these definitions of “amends”, it would be incredibly rare that just saying that you are sorry would qualify as making amends.
The question in this context is how do you make amends for not showing appropriate emotions towards someone who has been caring towards you are someone who you really do care about (like a child that you are the parent of who you love deeply, but they do not seem to see it or know it)?
Saying how you feel is a great starting point, but it is definitely by no means an amends or simply put it is definitely not enough. It takes a lot of work to repair the hurts of the past.
I know that there are a few out there reading this who are thinking: “I have done enough that that person should have gotten over it by now and what about my hurts from them.” Before going on in that conversation I would like to refer you back to what I call “The Rule”:
The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 74)
Before you begin, start with the expectation that there will be far more work and struggling to make amends on your part than on the part of the other people involved. This is just a part of what it takes to overcome the damage you have done to yourself and others through alcoholism/addiction. IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!
Not to be rude about it, but if you didn’t want to have the pain and suffering that it takes to repair everything when working recovery than maybe you shouldn’t have started using alcohol and drugs in the first place. This sort of attitude is necessary to create the change in your world that can facilitate and sustain your sobriety.
Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 77 – 78)
There is no focusing on what is wrong with the other person or on what they need to do first before I would consider being open and honest with the person, there is just the need for you to do the right thing no matter what the consequences and no matter what the other person’s response.
I understand that there may be a few incredibly extreme cases where a person is physically abusive, or a murderer etc. where the situation would call for this to all be looked at differently and some of these interactions may require the assistance of a professional counselor, but the norm is the direct route with careful consideration for how the other person would be affected.
This may need to be an inventory of its own each year or a part of your other inventories (or both), but Valentine’s Day seems like an excellent time to look at the people that care about you and who you care about (whether secretly or openly) and do something about it.
This is not limited to people you date, are married to or having some kind of intimate relations with; this is for all of those who care about you or who you care about at all. Use this time of year as a recovery check and a reality check.
Do not wait until you are finished to mirror the words of founding member Bill W.:
There had been much happiness after all. What would I not give to make amends. But that was over now. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 8)
AND DON’T FORGET TO SHOW APPRECIATION TO ALL OF THOSE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU OR WHO YOU CARE ABOUT NO MATTER IF YOU NEED TO MAKE AMENDS OR NOT!!! (or you will owe an amends the day after Valentine’s Day).
Stay Sober my Friends;
Wade H.
Wade H. Recovery Net 