These things will come to pass naturally and in good time provided, however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does. Of course, we all fall much below this standard many times. But we must try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a spree.
This passage was originally written about the expectations a person in recovery should or shouldn’t have of his or her family. But, in our current context, the key concept is going to require a much wider interpretation.
The key concept is something called The Continued Demonstration:
- Continuing to demonstrate sobriety
- Continuing to demonstrate being considerate
- Continuing to demonstrate being helpful
- Continuing to demonstrate all of this REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE SAYS OR DOES!
To start, I wanted to drift off for a quick second and mention that I have encountered many recovery groupings where it seemed to me that sobriety was a rarity, being inconsiderate was a badge of honor and definitions of helpful was definitely subject to one’s definition of the word at best.
Keeping in mind that most 12 Step groupings are peer based and centered on people like us helping other people like us and that we should look at it like going to a hospital except the people working at the hospital are the patients who are getting free of the same or a similar illness. What I mean is, only a fool would get mad at encountering sick people at such a hospital. If the other sick people at such a hospital bother you, it is quite possible the problem isn’t them, but that person you see in the big window over the sink in the bathroom.
That said, I think the importance of “The Continued Demonstration” as described above is often forgotten as a key part of the recovery process. That goes double for the “demonstrating being considerate” part.
Now back to where I was headed originally. I am hoping it is in the way it is in my context in the context of the readers reading this. In my context the obsession with turning everything into a “my team” against “the other team” and “whoever is not on my team is on the other team” mentality has grown into this huge monster absolutely devouring my nation.
No matter what it is there must be two sides and a person is either “with me or against me” and everything requires the most vigorous debate possible and in the end “my opinion must be the winner at all costs.”
While this whole thing is the luxury of lots of people, for us in recovery this sort of narrow-minded interpretation of people and the ensuing instant aversion to entire groups of people is not some new awesomeness you discover that gives you some elusive status you have been searching for all of your life.
Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn’t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
This new level of “team mentality” that is so popular in my context, for people in recovery like us is just a disguised version of all of this. The mindset that “if these people would just think like me, they would be better and the world would be better” is not a newfound freedom, it is simply a repackaging of on old bondage.
While the conversations and other interactions are to some degree unavoidable (at least in my context), we must realize that these mindsets are a poison to our recoveries and our lives that we are not obligated to drink a gallon at a time.
The people around you may be immersed in this mindset and it may have the freedom to vomit their own brand of crazy on everyone they encounter with impunity, but this is not so for us. We are at risk of vomiting up our recovery, our lives and all over the people unlucky enough to care for us in times that we drift back into our insane behaviors we have been working so hard to leave behind.
If you have been in recovery and have been under the impression that the only change you need to make is the using, but you will otherwise be the same, then 12 Step recovery (and possibly any kind of recovery) is not for you.
IF YOU ARE NOT CHANGED INTO SOMETHING DIFFERENT THEN YOU ARE THE SAME AND CAN EXPECT THE SAME!!!
Now! Here is the deeper consideration. All the smart people who make mathematical and statistical suggestions based on research, statistics, trends and other smart-people-foolery seem to think that on top of worldwide pandemic there will be widespread bad things of various kinds to follow and possibly more sickness and on and on.
All of that may or may not be true, but one thing is for sure…
…however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does.
If the world does go through next level of turmoil, there will be some desire to blame, deserved or not. If absolutely nothing happens there will be a whole other desire to blame. There will be anger and some escalation of the “team mentality” (at least in my context).
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REMAIN SOBER, CONSIDERATE AND HELPFUL in all of your interactions while all of that is going on? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REMAIN SOBER, CONSIDERATE AND HELPFUL TO THE PEOPLE YOU PERCEIVE TO BE OPPOSED TO YOUR “SIDE” IN THESE COMING STRUGGLES? I know there are a few folks thinking snide little comments like “I’ll tell them how stupid they are. That is helping them isn’t it?” and the like.
While quite funny, the choice is one of a recovery nature and in that sense a choosing of “life or death.” Do I participate in my inferiority complex based attempting to show myself superior to this other person by putting him/her down or do I figure out how to somehow be considerate and helpful in the hope of remaining sober?
After all, the reason most of us are dealing with recovery at any level is that we have some level of understanding that some or most my normal desires are self-destructive. That reality means that my natural desires to some degree or other CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
MY POINT!!! Just because you feel like it and other people are doing it does not mean you have the luxury of participating in it – WHATEVER THE “IT“ IS!
On a deeper level some of us may find ourselves less healthy, without work, without a home, without toilet paper or any number of forecasted things that may happen to any of us, but…
…however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does.
If life was a card game, mastery of it is going to require you learn how to play both the good and the bad hands well. This is even more true of the alcoholic and the addict. We have to be able to work our recovery and the changes to our lives both when life deals us good hands and when life deals us the bad hands.
A person in recovery who has built up a defense that goes completely back to his/her old behaviors and old life at the first sign of bad times has built absolutely nothing of any good use. EITHER YOU ARE CHANGED OR YOU ARE THE SAME!!! Bad times are just the test to see if the change is real or not, because your change is only a theory until it is tested by the bad times. Which by extension means that your recovery is only a theory until it is tested by the bad times.
A SKILLED CAPTAIN OF A SHIP IS NOT THE ONE WHO CAN ONLY NAVIGATE A SHIP THROUGH CALM WATERS. THE SKILLED CAPTAIN OF A SHIP IS THE ONE THAT CAN NAVIGATE THE SHIP THROUGH BOTH CALM AND ROUGH WATERS AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.
While I am not trying to minimize anything you may be going through, please recognize that your recovery cannot be tossed about by everything around it like some rowboat in the middle of a storm with no oars, rudder or anchor. Things may or may no get bad for each one of us and people around us may be doing all kinds of things…
…however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does.