In Recovery Remember “MY WAY IS THE GET HIGH WAY!!!”

In Recovery Remember “MY WAY IS THE GET HIGH WAY!!!”

 (Photo credit: goodnight_photography)

Thus we grow. And so can you, though you be but one man with this book in your hand. We believe and hope it contains all you will need to begin. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 162 – 163)

You may be just one man or one woman with this book, but that is at least enough to begin.  The reason that is the case is because all things Twelve Step have their beginnings in the Alcoholics Anonymous book.

It will probably require the help of others who know what is in the book to really get beyond just beginning.

The key to all of this is the Alcoholics Anonymous book.  The writers of the book intended it to have all the information needed to do whatever it took for them to get the miracle of recovery that was supposed to be impossible for them.

Those of us who live in large cities are overcome by the reflection that close by hundreds are dropping into oblivion every day. Many could recover if they had the opportunity we have enjoyed. How then shall we present that which has been so freely given us?

We have concluded to publish an anonymous volume setting forth the problem as we see it. We shall bring to the task our combined experience and knowledge. This should suggest a useful program for anyone concerned with a drinking problem.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 19)

To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary.  (Alcoholics Anonymous – Forward to the First Edition)

Let me get take a slight detour then get to the real point here:

One of the biggest problems that these writers thought we have is the need to have things our own way.

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

People who are at the worst level of alcoholism/addiction like to do things their own way in spite of what others around them tell them to do.  That is one of the major aspects of our sickness.  We do crazy stuff that causes all sorts of problems simply because we want to and in spite of what anybody says, proves and even in spite of past terrible results.

This brings us to why there was the need for a book in the first place.  There was a need for a standard of information that showed the course for recovery instead of letting people just do whatever they thought would work.  Most people who are starting recovery have already tried a few of their own ideas and failed miserably and that is exactly why he or she is in recovery to begin with.

Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums – we could increase the list ad infinitum.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 31)

I mention this to clarify the idea that recovery is strongly based on not doing what we want to do or what we think is right but that it hinges on being so desperate to get better that we are willing to do things that we absolutely do not want to do or that we find terribly uncomfortable.

Keeping all of that in mind; I finally get to my point.  People in recovery are by nature drawn to cutting corners and doing things incorrectly to keep themselves from being uncomfortable.

If we go through recovery just listening to this person’s and that person’s ideas and concepts of recovery we each will find what we believe is the best way by picking the parts of what each person tells us that we are each most comfortable with.  In other words we will use the commentary of others in recovery to search out our own ways to cut corners and do things incorrectly to keep ourselves comfortable.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58)

The fact that people in recovery are usually looking for “easier” ways is not the exception to the rule, it is the rule and must be the rule for getting recovery advice from other individuals.

The only concept that could be used to combat such a universal problem is to come up with a standard of information that could be used both guide a person through recovery and to judge if the information one is getting in recovery is correct or not.  There has to be a standard of information that is both the source and measure of all related information.

That is precisely why the alcoholics book was written and why it is a must for all persons pursuing Twelve Step recovery of any kind.

I am regularly astonished by the number of people who I encounter who are either brought to my attention as experts or are self-proclaimed experts that know very little about what is in the Alcoholics Anonymous book.

Many A.A. meetings I have been to have been have been filled with people who are either empty handed or who have brand new, pristine copies of the Alcoholics Anonymous book on their lap (which means they own it, but have never read it).

Often there are one or two people with well worn books who are sitting in these same rooms shaking their heads or rolling their eyes at some of the things people are saying, but politely trying to be supportive of whoever because at least he or she is there and trying.

All of us need to stop it and get back to whatever the standard is supposed to be.  Owning an Alcoholics Anonymous book is not enough; we need to read it and learn it (and pass what is in it on to others).   We cannot grow in environments where everyone is creating his or her own “softer, easier way” of recovery and expect anything but foolishness.

Let me share a word of warning before you go on however.  IN THE LAND OF THE INSANE THE SANE PERSON LOOKS LIKE THE IDIOT!!!!

If you begin to learn what the Alcoholics Anonymous book actually says recovery is, do not suddenly become this angry crusader for truth yelling out page numbers over speakers at meetings.  The truth is that many you encounter will not want anything to do with what you have to say simply because it challenges the softer easier path they are on no matter how nice or how rudely you express it to them.

Just share the facts and those who truly are desperate to follow the path that is actually laid out will seek more and will get what they are supposed to be getting.  Those that do not care to hear it may be on the path to failure.  The bottom line is it is either the Twelve Steps as outlined in the Alcoholics Anonymous book or it is not.  Doing whatever you want because it is comfortable to you is not.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58)

Many of us live by the rule “It’s my way or the highway” which means things either go the way I want or something is wrong and has to go.  I am proposing almost the dead opposite.  Just think of this small statement as the bottom line:  MY WAY IS THE GET HIGH WAY!!!

Stay sober my friends,

Wade H.

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The Crazy Train and Our Inner Stupid

crazy train – 1 (Photo credit: adotmanda)

The door opened and he stood there, fresh-skinned and glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different. What had happened?

I pushed a drink across the table. He refused it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what had got into the fellow. He wasn’t himself.

“Come, what’s this all about?” I queried.

He looked straight at me. Simply, but smilingly, he said, “I’ve got religion.”

I was aghast. So that was it – last summer an alcoholic crackpot; now, I suspected, a little cracked about religion. He had that starry-eyed look. Yes, the old boy was on fire all right. But bless his heart, let him rant! Besides, my gin would last longer than his preaching.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 9)

Bill has been trying everything imaginable to get sobriety.  He has failed miserably and is in a deep depression because of it deciding that his only hope is to never draw a sober breath to be forced to think about it.

How is it that when the first opportunity arises to meet a person who he knew was a s bad as he was that found the elusive answer to his problem comes along he does everything he can to destroy this person and then decides that person is somehow worse off then using.

One of the biggest problems we have in alcoholism/addiction is ourselves.  We blame circumstances, other people, the zodiac, God, bad luck, being cursed and on and on.  The truth is we are on the crazy train and we have gotten kinda comfortable there.  So comfortable that although we suspect things might be better if we get off, we also are partially convinced that anyone who is not on the crazy train is somehow missing out and lying about being happy about that.

Our alcoholism/addictions lie to us to keep us trapped, but the liar is not an intimate bottle or pipe or needle or pill etc.  The liar is a part of our brain that has to be overcome to even start recovery.

Bill W.’s goal here was not to listen to the miracle and see if he could do the same thing.  Bill’s goal was to prove that nobody could do it if he couldn’t.  Once that failed, rather than take in what he was saying and really work for it, his next goal was to ignore him as background noise to use to in spite of the fact that this person had come to blow his high.  He decided that what he had to say would be a distraction but he felt he had more alcohol than this person (Ebby T.) had time and talking energy.

Recovery requires a lot of overcoming, a lot of decisions, and a lot of actions that follow those decisions.  One of the first is the decision not to listen to your own crazy.  You have to decide to get off of the crazy train.

You are going to have ridiculously stupid thoughts and idea about recovery, in recovery and in fact you will have some throughout your life sober or not.

When starting recovery, you are not yet equipped to pesh these ideas to the side, s in the beginning you just have to not listen and get in contact with people who can help you overcome your inner stupid.

In this case, the man just kept going and would not give up.  Some of us are not lucky enough to have that person, yet we still need recovery.  You need to go find those people.  They are at meetings, in online groups, in residential and outpatient recovery programs at your local clinic etc.  Be desperate to find those people.

I am a person who has mixed emotions about the concept of ninety meetings in ninety days, not because it is a bad idea, but because it is misleading.  It is not just being in the building that helps (although it is a huge step in the right direction).  It is what you take in and respond to (as well as what you do not take in or listen to).  You have to seek out the right people and avoid the bad people and bad information.

Desperately seek out the people who will help you stop listening to the inner stupid and run from the people who will do all they can to call out the inner stupid.  Some will be like Bill was and do more to try to destroy you rather than seek to help.  You are supposed to be that helper to them when you are ready.

There is help, but it starts with not listening to the stupid that we all have going in then we are able to learn how to be stronger than that inner stupid and get off of the stupid train once and for all.

Stay sober my friends,
Wade H.

Volcano-Vomit and Huge, Pink, Dancing Elephants in Our Rooms?

(Photo credit: tricky (rick harrison))

Volcano-Vomit and Huge, Pink, Dancing Elephants in

Our Rooms?

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 77)

Okay, before I start, I just wanted to warn you that I am about to go off on a rant, so consider yourself duly warned.

Here is the background to all of this.  I was at a meeting that I don’t normally attend and right before the meeting a couple of seemingly important woman came hurriedly in, taping little notes everywhere.  

They seemed a bit distressed and very urgent about their task and since nobody else tripped on it besides me; I assumed I must be correct about them being important.

They started to have a few conversations with people in the room who I assume to be regulars, but the conversations they were having were the passive aggressive, I want everyone to hear my point kind. 

You know the kind where you are talking to somebody, but you are not looking at that person, you are looking at the other people around with that intense, tightened eyebrow, stair that is some sort of nicer evil eye.  I suppose it is the passive aggressive, unspoken version of, “You better listen here all of you, or else!”

So I figured I ought to listen to any message that was important enough to be preceded by so much passive aggressive intensity.  Turns out, the were in all bent out of shape because a couple of people at some previous meeting had mentioned drug use and they were determined to make sure that nobody ever made such a terrible assault on them again.

As I watched I realized these ladies were on a witch hunt and were trying to campaign to get enough support to vote to have the meeting be a closed meeting and allow no addicts unless they only discussed alcohol.  So their anger had become this volcano and the minutes before the meeting became a time to vomit lava on all of those they knew in attendance that would listen (and apparently on those of us they didn’t know also)

Now, covered in the vomit-lava of the group conscience vigilantes all I could think was:  Someone needs to do a Fourth Step (or I guess both somones).  Then I started pondering the Twelve Traditions and recordings I have of statements from founding members about this whole topic and then my mind switched.   Didn’t Dr. Bob and Bill W. both mention use of other substances besides alcohol in their stories.  So before I go on, Lets take a look:

A doctor came with a heavy sedative. Next day found me drinking both gin and sedative. This combination soon landed me on the rocks. People feared for my sanity. So did I. I could eat little or nothing when drinking, and I was forty pounds under weight.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 6– 7)

Keeping in mind that it hadn’t been all that long that they had taken cocaine out of soda or that cocaine was prescribed to treat morphine addiction I am of the assumption that the sedative that when added to Bill W.’s alcoholism made him hit bottom must have been some pretty strong stuff.

After Bill started mixing this stuff, he then lost weight and crazy as he had clearly been, this suddenly was the point where the people around him freaked out about his well being and even desperately started trying to get him to help.

I bet if I told the similar story in this meeting there would be rolling eyes and groans until finally somebody would rudely let me know that we only discuss alcohol at these meetings.

Dr. Bob’s mention was not as key to his story or demise, but it is still there in a clear way and is a pertinent part of his story:

During the next few years, I developed two distinct phobias. One was the fear of not sleeping, and the other was the fear of running out of liquor. Not being a man of means, I knew that if I did not stay sober enough to earn money, I would run out of liquor. Most of the time, therefore, I did not take the morning drink which I craved so badly, but instead would fill up on large doses of sedatives to quiet the jitters, which distressed me terribly.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 175 – 4^th Edition – Doctor Bob’s Nightmare)

Dr. Bob would use drugs to keep him going when he couldn’t drink.  Drugs to keep him going until the liquor could begin flowing! 

I pondered what response I would get from sharing a story like this from in front of this meeting.  Probably some rolled eyes and angry groans, but I suppose it was not intense enough to give the volcanoes enough time to erupt into volcanic vomit all over me.

Well, that’s just two of the founding members and may be an anomaly (even though I just showed you that that lightening struck twice in each story of the two founding members).  What if I told you this sort of thing was what the founding membership considered the norm of a person who was an alcoholic?  What if I told you that this was so strongly considered a part of the definition of an alcoholic that they agreed to allow this to be written in the Alcoholics Anonymous book?

As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work. Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again. Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative with which to taper off. Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.

This is by no means a comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary. But this description should identify him roughly.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 22)

The general definition and description of what they considered to be an alcoholic included the fact that he/she was a person who probably goes to a doctor to get 1930’s doses of morphine or some crazy 1930’s sedative and THEN he/she will appear at hospitals and sanitariums. 

This was at least a normal part of the description.

I couldn’t help but think that:   “Well, that was a long time ago and the fellowship has changed until I reflected back to a story I recently read in the stories included in the current Forth Edition of the Alcoholics Anonymous book that can only lead me to believe the topic of drugs is not a forbidden subject in Alcoholics Anonymous:

I asked myself what I would do for a patient who felt this rotten. The answer came right back:  I’d give him something to pep him up.  So I immediately started taking and shooting pep pills.  Eventually, I was taking forty-five milligrams of the long-acting Benzedrine and forty-five of the short acting just to get out of bed in the morning.  I took more through the day to increase the high, and more to maintain it; when I overshot the mark, I’d take tranquilizers to level off.  The pep pills affected my hearing at times: I couldn’t listen fast enough to hear what I was saying.  I’d think, I wonder why I’m saying that again–I’ve  already said it three times.  Still I couldn’t turn my mouth off.

For the leveling of process, I just loved intravenous Demerol, but I found it hard to practice good medicine while shooting morphine.  Following an injection, I would have to keep one hand busy scratching my constantly itching nose and would also have sudden  uncontrollable urges to vomit.  I never got much effect out of codeine and Percodan and the tranquilizers.  However, for a period of time I was injecting Pentothal intravenously to put myself to sleep.  That’s the stuff used when the oral surgeon puts the needle in your vein and says, “Count to ten,” and before you get to two, you’re asleep.  Instant blackout was what it was, and it seemed delightful.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 410 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer)

 

I would put the needle in my vein and then try to figure out exactly how much medication to inject to overcome the pep pills while adding to the sleeping pills while ignoring the tranquilizers in order to get just enough to be able to pull out the needle, jerk the tourniquet, throw it in the car, slam the door shut, run down the hall, and fall in the bed before I fell asleep.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 410-411 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer)

Wow!  I wonder if I stood at this same meeting, with the volcano-vomit ladies in the room and told this story (that is in the Alcoholics Anonymous book) as if it were my own, what their response would be.

My next words might be something like:  “Who are all of those people with pitchforks and torches?” 

There is a message in this story that many of us alcoholics (using the definition that the founding members used of alcoholic as found in the Alcoholics Anonymous book) need to hear.  That message:

Today, I find that I can’t work my A.A. program while taking pills, nor may I even have them around for dire emergencies only.  I can’t say, “Thy will be done,” and take a pill.  I can’t say, “I’m powerless over alcohol, but solid alcohol is okay.”  I can’t say, “God could restore my sanity, but until He does, I’ll control myself with pills.  Giving up alcohol alone was not enough for me; I’ve had to give up all mood- and mind-affecting chemicals in order to stay sober and comfortable.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 411 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer)

I don’t go to meetings to go along with whatever the most recent volcano-vomiting has manipulated a group into believing or not believing, liking or disliking.  There is a book for a reason.   That is the basis of all of the information.

I am not saying that there should never be any closed meetings that only discuss alcohol.  But, really?  Are this many meetings really containing a majority of people who use alcohol only?  In my discussions with people I have found that the majority of people (in my area) that are in Alcoholics Anonymous meeting use alcohol and some kind of drugs as well as alcohol.  If you took those people out of the equation in my area, there would be no meetings to speak of because nobody would be meeting.

It’s this big, pink, dancing elephant in the rooms that we are told to ignore and never talk about.  If you are able to ignore the big, pink, dancing elephant, something is really wrong with your ability to observe or something is not clicking on all cylinders with you. 

The next part of the conversation that many of those reading this will want to start is the “Don’t they have other meetings for that stuff?”  (I’m not sure, at least in my area, who the “they” are as the “they” seems to be the majority of the “us”?)  

First off, everything Twelve Step is an attempt to interpret what is written in the Alcoholics Anonymous book to sound relevant to a person with some other particular problem.  If this source document of all of the other Twelve Step programs covers all of the problems I suffer from and the meetings are supposed to be based on what is in this book, shouldn’t this be the meeting for me?

Now to my point:  If the majority of the group is suffering from both drugs and alcohol addiction shouldn’t we discuss our problems as such?  At least to the levels the founding members did in the Alcoholics Anonymous book as we read?

Isn’t what the man in the Acceptance Was The Answer story in the Alcoholics Anonymous book correct for most of us when he states:  “I find that I can’t work my A.A. program while taking pills,”  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 411 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer).

Just like how mixing drug use with alcohol use was bottom for founding member Bill W. and for much of what the founding membership called and alcoholic,  mixing quitting drug use with quitting alcohol is probably the best road out.

Remember the passage I started with:   

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 77)

As far as group conscience etc. the group conscience had to keep the idea that our real purpose (as individuals and as such as a group when we collect together) is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service.

What does that mean if we are voting to close a meeting so nobody can talk about drug use when most of the group uses both drugs and alcohol?

In this instance (and some other similar instances I have seen) all of this stems from one or two people who were made uncomfortable and rallying the troops behind himself/herself for the cause.

I would say that if a person only wants to be made comfortable and never wants to hear or encounter that which makes him/her uncomfortable in a meeting that person is completely missing the major target that we are aiming for in Twelve Step recovery.  That person is ruled by the deepest part of our problem:

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

That is a person so interested in controlling the environment for his/her comfort that he/she is entirely willing to damage the recovery process of some segment of the group and future newcomers without a second thought.  That person is only seeking to be of maximum service to himself/herself and is deeply rooted in the root of our problem. 

The answer seems to be the title of the story that had all of the detailed drug references and it is something we all need to consider:  “Acceptance Was The Answer!”

Let me just put it out there:  THERE IS A HUGE, PINK, DANCING ELEPHANT IN OUR ROOM AND WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT OR LOTS OF PEOPLE WILL GET HURT!!!  STOP COMPLAINING AND BE HELPFUL TO SOMEBODY!!!

Just a funny side note:  There were two gentlemen that arrived late to this meeting who both turned out to be from a local recovery program and introduced themselves as being both alcoholics and addicts. 

My Cheshire Cat grin and super villain nod in agreement were my moments of passive aggressive delight as I brushed the volcano-vomit off. 

 

Stay Sober My Friends (from Alcohol and Drugs)

Wade H.

What Are the Signs of a Good Sponsor?

1989 movie about Bill W. and Dr. Bob (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What Are the Signs of a Good Sponsor?

That the man who is making the approach has had the same difficulty, that he obviously knows what he is talking about, that his whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer, that he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful; that there are no fees to pay, no axes to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured – these are the conditions we have found most effective. After such an approach many take up their beds and walk again. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 18– 19)

In discussion what the signs are of a good sponsor, I am looking at this from the perspective of a newcomer (or anyone for that matter) that would need to know what to look for before you are working together for awhile and suddenly realize that your sponsor is not good for your recovery.

So on initial or early contact the signs of a good sponsor are

1. Is making the approach (went looking for sponsees and did not just sit around waiting for sponsors to come to him/her).
2. Is a person who has had the same or similar difficulty.
3. Is a person who clearly knows what he/she is talking about
4. Is a person with a real answer
5. Has no attitude of holier than thou
6. Only wants to be helpful

 

 

1. Is making the approach (went looking for sponsees and did not just sit around waiting for sponsors to come to him/her).

First, this should be a person who is eagerly looking for people to sponsor.  

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics!  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 89)

If a person truly understands Twelve Step Principles and has taken them to heart, that person must believe that “intensive work” with other alcoholics/addicts is a huge key to remaining sober.  Any person who is not seriously motivated to sponsor others does not truly understand the things that are important according to the Twelve Step process and cannot give you an understanding that he/she does not have himself/herself.

 

2. Is a person who has had the same or similar difficulty.

It is hard to truly understand the discomfort, fears, pain, anger, lies, confusion etc. that a person has to walk through, be brutally honest about and overcome in the recovery process.  It is even hard to understand how hard it is to truly start the process and take it as seriously as one should unless you have been through it.  

I am not one of these people who believes only and alcoholic/addict can ever work with another alcoholic/addict, but I do think there are man reasons why this is often the best way to go.  For example, there are some things that are simply seem ridiculous and possibly outright stupid that only a person who has been through it can understand what it is to see such things as perfectly sensible and what it really takes to be free of such things.

 

3. Is a person who clearly knows what he/she is talking about

Oh, if only I had a nickel for every person at a Twelve Step meeting who was some kind o self proclaimed expert and Twelve Step guru that could talk a good game but when just listened to not only had no idea what he/she was talking about, but behind the smoke and mirrors really had no solution to offer.  

These people may be able to talk a big game and find lots of stuff for you to do while filling your head with quotes etc. that make you also able to talk a good game, but if they cannot offer you the ability to remain sober, what is the point.

The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 164)

How are you going learn Twelve Step recovery and be guided through the process by a person who does not know the Twelve Step process properly.  If he/she doesn’t have it or doesn’t get it, how is that person going to give it to you?

 

4. Is a person with a real answer

This is tied to the last point.  If a person is not offering you a solution that he/she understands and is at the least going through, then that person is just going to put you in a recovery holding pattern.  Kind of like a hamster on one of those running wheels, they may have you doing a lot of work, yet you will still be getting nowhere.

 

5. Has no attitude of holier than thou

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?  Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

All of these guys who proudly talk a tough and strong sponsorship speech and who have this aura of being better than everyone else at a meeting etc. are the poster children for the problem not the solution.  

I am astonished at the self focus and outright arrogance of some of the supposed experts in Twelve Step recovery when the materials clearly state that this is in actuality the expression of the central problem we must overcome.

How are you going to show me the solution when you are an obvious example of what not to be and what not to do?  If that person is going to take you through the steps there is one concept that you have to keep in mind before you make that commitment.:  THE FRUIT DOES NOT FALL FAR FROM THE TREE.  The sponsor tends to reproduce in kind.  If the sponsor is an arrogant fool that has missed the main point, you are likely to become an arrogant fool who has missed the point.

 

6. Only wants to be helpful

This is also tied to the last concept.  A person who has all kinds of strings attached is still selfish and self-centered and has not truly realized that simply doing this is a huge benefit not only for you, but for them to.  In other words, this is a person who does not get it.

 

I did not write this as a list of legalistic rules that you have to check each box or dump a sponsor and go after new one after new one.   This is intended to give you not only food for thought, but a clearer idea of what a sponsor should look like.  You probably wont find a whole lot of perfect sponsors running around (especially with the state of much of the Twelve Step world these days), but how much are you willing to sacrifice and more importantly what results can you expect.

 

Stay Sober My Friends,

Wade H.

The Solution vs. The Confusion

The Solution vs. The Confusion

He was sober. It was years since I could remember his coming to New York in that condition. I was amazed. Rumor had it that he had been committed for alcoholic insanity. I wondered how he had escaped. Of course he would have dinner, and then I could drink openly with him. Unmindful of his welfare, I thought only of recapturing the spirit of other days.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 9)

 

The door opened and he stood there, fresh-skinned and glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different. What had happened?

I pushed a drink across the table. He refused it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what had got into the fellow. He wasn’t himself.

“Come, what’s this all about?” I queried.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 9)

By the time we hit this point in founding member Bill W.’s story, he has tried to get sober several times, his whole world is coming apart (already has come apart) and he is sitting around waiting to die.

He has a friend (Ebby T.) who was as much an alcoholic as he was, who had sunk so far that he heard he had been committed.  Suddenly this guy shows up and he is sober (apparently a “condition” Bill had rarely ever seen him in).  Bill had been trying and desperately wishing to get sober and when he finds one person as bad as he was his first response is to try and get that person to relapse.  Then when the guy refuses, he is disappointed.

Bill, of all people, knew how strong the temptation to relapse is.  Bill, of all people, should have wanted to rejoice in his friend’s freedom and desperately sought to find the same solution.  Bill, of all people, should have wanted to help his friend instead of attempting to destroy his world with relapse.

The truth is that in recovery the people around you are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem.  They may not know which they are, but they are. 

Here is a fact to keep in mind:  The fact that a person has good intentions (or thinks they have good intentions) does not mean that whatever he/she does is good.  For example, lots of people have it in their mind that a person who is sober cannot possibly be a happy person.  So if such a person encounters a person who was miserable using and has finally struggled through recovery and has found some short time of recovery, the person who feels that a sober person cannot possibly be happy will try to convince that person to use, believing that getting that person to use is doing them some kind of favor.

The fact is that if a person who uses so heavily that to use is to destroy his/her life get’s sobriety there is no reason to use again.   A person who is trying to get such a person to us, no matter what the intentions are, is attacking that person and everything he/she cares about.  Whether a person intends to attack or unintentionally attacks does not matter when the attack has the potential to destroy your whole world.

What is the difference between a person who gets angry with you and shoots you in the head and a person who mistakenly thinks that the best way to make your headache go away is to shoot you in the head?  Once you are shot in the head, the intentions matter very little. 

If you are a person in recovery, it is very important that you understand that some people are simply not safe for you to be around, no matter what their intentions are or seem to be. 

If you are the friend or loved one of someone in recovery, there is so much more than just what you intend to do or don’t intend to do.  Again; you are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem.  If you really want to be a part of the solution, you are going to have to learn a lot about recovery also.    You may have to learn about codependence and about how to not be an enabler.  You may have to be more understanding or learn “tough love” as the case may be.  That person’s alcoholism/addiction may have changed you also in ways that need to be changed back.  You may also be an addict/alcoholic and have to seek recovery also.  You may not have had anything to do with their using (or just think you didn’t), but you can be a part of his/her recovery.  If you are not willing to be a part of his/her recovery you probably will become a part of the struggle and resistance to his/her recovery.

Let me be clear however:  The people around the alcoholic/addict cannot make a person recover; keep him/her sober; force him/her to stay sober etc.   What we can do is help make recovery more likely or considerably less likely.  The people around the alcoholic/addict also have the ability to make the person’s life far more miserable than necessary if we are not careful.

A person in recovery needs to limit exposure to the “part of the problem” people as much as possible and spend as much time as possible with the “part of the solution” people as possible (Although some “part of the problem” people cannot be avoided entirely; as a rule, exposure to them should be as limited as possible).  This is what the support groups (meetings) are supposed to be hinged on:

We are average Americans. All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds. We are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain’s table. Unlike the feelings of the ship’s passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 17)

These sorts of understanding people who truly engage with each other in this way a an infinite help to anyone in recovery.  A group that meets that is not like this (be it a 12 Step group or otherwise) is lacking something terribly important and helpful to those of us in recovery. 

The kind of people around a person in recovery is of the incredibly important and if you are a friend or loved one of a person in recovery, the kind of person you are is incredibly important.  Founding member of Alcoholics Anonymous describes how he was drawn in to the group of people that wanted to help him this way:

About the time of the beer experiment I was thrown in with a crowd of people who attracted me because of their seeming poise, health, and happiness. They spoke with great freedom from embarrassment, which I could never do, and they seemed very much at ease on all occasions and appeared very healthy. More than these attributes, they seemed to be happy. I was self conscious and ill at ease most of the time, my health was at the breaking point, and I was thoroughly miserable. I sensed they had something I did not have, from which I might readily profit. I learned that it was something of a spiritual nature, which did not appeal to me very much, but I thought it could do no harm.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 178)

I think a clearer way to state all of this is:

The people around the person in recovery and the alcoholic/addict are either part of the solution or a part of the confusion. 

Which are you and which are those around you?

Stay sober my friends,

Wade H.

Related articles

• Only Two Options – Sober or Not Sober! (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
• Learning Yourself Sober? (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
• Relapse and Recovery (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
• Does alcoholism treatment work? (alcoholic.org)

Discouragement is Not the Problem

Discouragement is Not the Problem

Bitterly discouraged, he found himself in a strange place, discredited and almost broke. Still physically weak, and sober but a few months, he saw that his predicament was dangerous. He wanted so much to talk with someone, but whom?  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 154)

Of course he couldn’t drink, but why not sit hopefully at a table, a bottle of ginger ale before him? After all, had he not been sober six months now? Perhaps he could handle, say, three drinks – no more! Fear gripped him. He was on thin ice. Again it was the old, insidious insanity – that first drink. With a shiver, he turned away and walked down the lobby to the church directory.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 154)

But what about his responsibilities – his family and the men who would die because they would not know how to get well, ah – yes, those other alcoholics? There must be many such in this town. He would phone a clergyman. His sanity returned and he thanked God. Selecting a church at random from the directory, he stepped into a booth and lifted the receiver.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 154-155)

In recovery and in life discouragement and discouraging situations are just a part of the normal ups and downs of what it means to be alive.   Everyone on earth has their bad days and bad seasons of life.  That is not a question.  The problem is not that there are discouraging periods of life, the problem is what we do to manage our discouragement during those times.

Do we sit and feel sorry for ourselves and gradually drift into enough misery to make life intolerable.  Do we get a bad attitude and try to take control of the situation or just to make other people feel the pain we feel.  These are major problems for those of us in recovery.  Both of these and many other possibilities are in reality evidence of us sinking into ourselves, selfishness and self-protective behavior.

 Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

In other words our natural response to being down and discouraged is to sink deeper into the worst and most destructive part of our problems and in effect make our problems worse.  Being down and being discouraged are not the enemy, our responses to them is the enemy.  Sinking into self-protection and self focus are the biggest enemies.

As a first thought, the passage at the opening describes Bill W. as needing someone to talk to.  That is an excellent place to start:  Someone to talk to who will understand and be supportive.  The lifestyle of a person who desires to remain sober and not absolutely miserable requires some kind of support system that you can turn to in these kinds of times. 

This is one of the deep purposes of what we call “support groups”:  Support!  If what you are calling a support group does not offer you this kind of support either you are not connected enough in the group or it is not the right “support group” for you.

These kinds of groups are something you find and maintain.  These are people you see regularly and have some level of personal connection with.  These are people that care about and care for one another. 

These are also something you want to find and maintain before you are bitterly discouraged so that when those periods of life arise you know exactly where to go. 

Secondly, Bill became interested in helping another person.

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics!  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 89)

As part of seeing the root of our troubles as self focus we find that one of the tasks that is most helpful in overcoming a self focused period is to focus on helping another person.  Think of the passage as reading this way:  “Nothing will help you more with being self focused as helping someone else.”

A key to what you read in the story Bill W. is telling is that he understood this so much that when he was just about to use because of it, he stopped and actively engaged in searching for a person to help.  He desperately sought out a person to help as combat against his sickness rooted in selfishness.  To use the recovery language of today, he went on a desperate search for someone to sponsor.    

This kind of mindset/attitude was the mark of the first groups and is still described in the materials as a major part of what makes us able to remain sober.  Dr. William D. Silkworth describes this kind of attitude as one of the most noticeable aspects of the early groups that made them different from other recovery groups and programs.

We feel, after many years of experience, that we have found nothing which has contributed more to the rehabilitation of these men than the altruistic movement now growing up among them.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. xxviii – 4^th Edition)

Altruism = the attitude of caring about others and doing acts that help them although you do not get anything by doing those acts: (Cambridge Dictionaries Online)

Altruistic = showing a wish to help or bring advantages to other people, even if it results in disadvantage for yourself (Cambridge Dictionaries Online)

The idea that selfishness and self-centeredness were at the root of our problems was combated by creating an environment of unselfishness and teaching the individuals to care about and help others.

So the idea is that an unselfish support group and unselfish actions are the best way to overcome discouragement, depression and our addictions and alcoholism. 

Near the end of the program portion of the book you find the following paragraph:

Still you may say: “But I will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book.” We cannot be sure. God will determine that, so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon Him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 164)

If you cannot find the kind of support system described here, then you may have to search out the individuals and “create the fellowship you crave.”  If you are in one of those periods of discouragement, you may have to go out and find someone to be helpful to.  In either case you need to be out looking for all of this before you run into the times of discouragement so you are prepared for those moment when (not if) they come up.

Stay sober my friends…

Wade H.

Related articles

• Only Two Options – Sober or Not Sober! (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
• Surviving The Holidays Pt 4 (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)

How to Survive The Holidays Pt 4 – Ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

How to Survive The Holidays Pt 4 – Ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

Many people have all kinds of things to say about things that are important to recovery, yet this extremely important point is often missed.  All of us using at these heavy levels are concerned with “ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity.” 

This is one of the most key messages that we all need in recovery, yet is the one people ignore the most.  Here is the problem; there are few times throughout the year as tempting to a person overly concerned with “ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity” as the Christmas holiday.

If a person is selfish and self-centered in the most traditional sense of the words that person will be completely focused on what others give to him or her.  If that is your focus there can only be a tremendous let down.

If a person is more of a self-pity type, that person may be a codependent who is obsessed with getting others stuff for Christmas and find himself or herself depressed at the inability to get purchase the happiness or appreciation of others.  This is a person who will believe himself or herself to be as unselfish as you can be with the obsession for doing things for others when in fact there is something that person is looking for in return for the gifts and services rendered etc. 

If a person is seething with resentments or in bondage to the hurts of others from the past, then the family gatherings and Merry Christmas stuff from the very same folks you are uncomfortable with (openly or secretly resentful towards) are the recipe for inner turmoil and torment.  This person may not have any problems with the gifts received or given as there may be neither to worry about.

Before going any further into this, it is important to remember just because you feel something that does not mean it is true or sensible.  Some of the things you feel may just be a part of your being an addict or alcoholic. 

If the root source of all things Twelve Step states that “the root of our troubles” is “selfishness – Self-centeredness” then it is probable that as an addict or alcoholic everything you feel may be filtered through an exaggerated focus on yourself.   That also means that one of the main focuses of everything in the Twelve Steps is to overcome this “root of our troubles.”

Wherever you are in working your steps, you may not overcome this struggle prior to Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  A good place to start is by first recognizing that the problem may be simply a problem of your perspective and not one dealing with the reality of the situation or situations.

A problem so big that it is described as “the root” of your problems is not the kind of thing that you can read a cure in a two or three page blog posting:  But, the steps were originally written as a cure for this root struggle.  I understand that each of us may be in different places in our recoveries, but before you even consider dealing with the whole Christmas thing, this is an excellent time to greatly increase your efforts in your recovery.  Do more of and more quality recovery activities.  From Steps to meetings with your sponsor and other mentors to general recovery meeting attendance increase the amount and quality during the holiday season.  Get some strong people in place that you can meet with regularly to reality test your thoughts (because we cannot trust our own interpretations). 

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn’t treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)

In an extremely simplified most basic sense retaliation and argument are not options for us.  We are not ready to judge what to respond to with our distorted understanding of events.  We must focus on how to be helpful to those people we feel these kind of feelings for and not expect any appreciation or acknowledgement from these people.  I understand that this is easier said than done, but in considering that Christmas is this week it is the best way to go. 

Make this Christmas be about making the holidays better with you around than it would have been without you around and have no expectation of appreciation or acknowledgement.  Do it only as part of your recovery and as part of staying healthy.

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 89)

One more thing… 

Find someone else who is struggling like you and help that person.  The exact things that are going on with you and I during the holiday season will be going on with millions of addicts and alcoholics around the world for similar reasons.  Take the focus off of ourselves and devote some of your time to the service of someone else struggling with the same insanity that threatens us during this season.  Who better to talk to about these things than one of us who knows the same struggles?  You may not feel like you understand all of this all that well, but you may understand it a whole lot more than the next person and be extremely helpful to another person. 

And…

May you have the happiest and most sober Christmas you have had to date,

Wade H.

Related articles

• How To Survive The Holidays – Part 1 (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
• How To Survive The Holidays – Part 2 (Black Friday & Christmas shopping Edition) (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
• To Be Selfish Or Not to Be; That Is The Question!!! (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
• To Be Selfish Or Not to Be; That Is The Question!!! Part – 2 (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
• To Be Selfish Or Not to Be; That Is The Question!!! Part – 3 (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
• Is Your Recovery Pointless? What is the Point? (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)

Confronting or Not Confronting???

We realize some men are thoroughly bad-intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this chapter as a club over your head. Don’t let him get away with it. If you are positive he is one of this type you may feel you had better leave. Is it right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children?  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 108)

 Some people in recovery immediately upon deciding to give all of this a shot become more caring and considerate, this passage is not describing that group.  This passage is describing the people who are still “bad-intentioned” even when abstaining from alcohol and drugs.  Some of those “bad intentioned” individuals even misuse the information they get in recovery to manipulate others.

These people may say that they want to change and this may or may not be true, but the point is that if their actions continue to be destructive to those around them, it may
be better to take drastic measures for the good of all.  Just letting the person continue to be an evil force, destroying his or her own life and the lives of all who he or she comes into contact with is the worst option.

I am not saying that all people who use heavily should be abandoned by their loved ones, but I do feel that allowing such a person to do whatever he or she feels, no matter
how destructive is actually a worse option.
There has to be a reasonable and balanced approach that is going to be helpful for all involved.

Let’s slow down a bit and look at this in more detail.  If you look at the page that the first verse we read is on, we see what may seem like the exact opposite message:

Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 108)

Sometimes, people assume this means to allow the person to do whatever he or she wants to do and say nothing.  Then you reach the passage we started with that says to not let the person “get away with it” and you may need to leave that person.  These seem like conflicting ideas or at least pretty different extremes.  The fact is, everyone involved needs to look at what is best for everyone.

Most of us have encountered the child who has the parents that can never say no to him or her.  The kind of parents who never confront the troubles a child has.  Those
are usually the kids throwing things in the isle of the grocery store or cussing the parents out in a crowd.  Then you have the parents that verbally or physically abuse their children.  Those children have all kinds of issues not the least of which often being drug and alcohol problems.  The point is that doing too much to correct a
child is detrimental, but doing too little is also terribly detrimental.

With those of us in recovery there are some things we need to be handled delicately, some things that we need to be told bluntly and some things we need to figure out
ourselves.  The problem is that even as the person going through it, we often do not know which approach goes where until after the fact.

What is clear with many alcoholics and addicts is that if someone approaches something that needs to be handled delicately with too much force, we tend to rebel against the idea without even considering if it is true or not.  If something that needs to be handled more directly and forcefully is handled too delicately we tend to either ignore it or use manipulation to just not deal with it.  If it is something we
need to figure out ourselves, delicate or direct approaches are both just information, but not really what is needed.

The point of all this:

If you are the friend or loved one of a person in recovery or in need of recovery:

• Start with someone who already knows the ropes and have the person (or group of person’s) walk you through the process.

1. Some of these kinds of people include the person’s sponsor, an Al-Anon or  CODA group, a professional counselor, a pastor, priest or other qualified religious leader,  etc.

• Think in terms of what serves the greatest good!

1. Am I helping or hurting the person (allowing someone to do something that is destructive to his or her relationships or to him or herself is often not good for that person while beating a person who feels terrible guilt while he or she is down is also not helpful)
2. Am I helping or hurting those around us

• If I do nothing is someone around us going to get hurt?
• If I confront this is someone around us going to get hurt in some way?
• Is there a way to confront this that will best solve the problem (instead of just making me feel better about getting it off of my chest)

1. Am I allowing the person to hurt or abuse me in a way that hurts both of us?

• Is this something I should plan a proper time for confrontation or I should do now?

Consider this passage which describes conversation with the person (confrontation) done appropriately:

We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will save many a heartbreak if you can succeed in observing them. Your husband may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the groundwork for a friendly talk about his alcoholic problem. Try to have him bring up the subject himself. Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 111)

This may only be one example, but the focus is serving the greatest good of all while
confronting the problems.

If you are the person in recovery you need to keep in some things in mind:

Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won’t fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 83)

1. Much of the mess you are dealing with and the crazy that seems to be around you is your own creation.  If you didn’t create the crazy around you, it is possible that you drew it into your life.
• Part of your recovery is doing all you can to repair whatever damage you have created.
2. You should not avoid conversations that confront your issues; it is part of your
   recovery to seek out those conversations.
• If the people closest to you cannot tell you what they see that you may need to change, who can?  They probably know better than anyone (because they have often been the victims).
3. If we expect them to be patient, tolerant and kind with us in spite of our “crazy”
   we owe them the same patience, tolerance and kindness when they approach us in some way that is a little crazy.
4. Be willing to look at what the people around you are saying is important to them with the importance they say it has.
• Just because you don’t think it is not that important does not mean that it’s not.
5. Do not try to use your recovery information to manipulate those around you.
• Example:  Do not show your friend or loved one the place in the book where it says “Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does.” in an attempt manipulate them into not confronting the things you do.
• That is only part of the story and you are actually just manipulating yourself out
  of recovery.
6. When in doubt seek out council from your sponsor, some much more mature in recovery, professional counselors, a pastor, priest or other qualified religious leader, people from your group, etc.
• Keep people who are knowledgeable, understanding yet direct enough to tell you the truth in your life for such purposes.
7. ABSTAINING FROM ALCOHOL AND DRUGS IS NOT ENOUGH!!!

The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted.  Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 82)

My point is that all of these challenges will have to be confronted; it is only a matter of how and when these confrontations will take place. 

One set of words from a segment of the book discussing Step 9 best sums this all up:

Whatever the situation, we usually have to do something about it. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 81)

Active Leadership and Your Recovery

It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come. The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!
Our hope is that when this chip of a book is launched on the world tide of alcoholism, defeated drinkers will seize upon it, to follow its suggestions.  Many, we are sure, will rise to their feet and march on. They will approach still other sick ones and fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous may spring up in each city and hamlet, havens for those who must find a way out.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 153)

A HUGE part of the process of recovery is the approaching sill other addicts and alcoholics.  But, then there is the statement “fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous may spring up in each city and hamlet, havens for those who must find a way out.”  I would like to explore that a bit more on this post.

After the book appeared we all became very busy in our efforts to save all and sundry, but I was still actually on the fringes of A.A. While I went along with all that was done and attended the meetings, I never took an active job of leadership until February 1940.  (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs 229-230)

Here is a big challenge many have in recovery.  There are many who are convinced that recovery comes from simply being in the right place and trying to stay away from non-recovery people and things.  Don’t get me wrong, this is a great place to start, but in actuality it is a very small step on a very long journey.

In a previous post named “Intensive Work…Making Coffee???” I spoke on the importance of working with others.  Here, in the story of one of the pioneers and founding members of Alcoholics Anonymous (the start of all things Twelve Step) there is something described as an “active job of leadership” that was apparently very important to the early membership.  Apparently, it was possible to take “jobs of leadership” with the people that were already working together in recovery and also in places where there were not yet groups (“They will approach still other sick ones and fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous may spring up in each city and hamlet”)

Let’s take a second to look at how all of this was tied to recovery of the founding member who I just quoted:

…I never took an active job of leadership until February 1940. Then I got a very good position in Philadelphia and quickly found I would need a few fellow alcoholics around me if I was to stay sober. Thus I found myself in the middle of a brand new group. When I started to tell the boys how we did it in New York and all about the spiritual part of the program, I found they would not believe me unless I was practicing what I preached. Then I found that as I gave in to this spiritual or personality change I was getting a little more serenity. In telling newcomers how to change their lives and attitudes, all of a sudden I found I was doing a little changing myself. I had been too self-sufficient to write a moral inventory, but I discovered in pointing out to the new man his wrong attitudes and actions that I was really taking my own inventory, and that if I expected him to change I would have to work on myself too. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 230)

This person found himself in a place where he could not get the support he needed in recovery that we call fellowship.  For some of us this may be because of proximity like this man who moved to Philadelphia where there were not yet any groups of this nature.  But, for some of us we may be in a place where there are plenty of recovery groups for whatever we are in recovery for,
the problem may be that the groups in your area may not be organized in a way that you can get what you need from them (before I go any further I feel it is important to note that there is a chance in this situation that you may just be resistant and trying to find an excuse not to participate as another option).  If there are no groups or no groups that seem to give you what you need in recovery you may find that as you work with others, they will need something they cannot find nearby also.

In the case of the man we were just reading about, he knew he desperately needed something that was not available.  Here is the concept:  If you can’t find it make it!  

This person was on the fringes (a member but not really an active participant in A.A.), who had not truly done the Steps (“I had been too self-sufficient to write a moral inventory”) and who knew the details of the information yet did not do the things he knew (practicing what I preached).  He was just hanging around a group talking recovery stuff. 

When he started working with others and started his new recovery group, just hanging around talking recovery backfired.  The people he was working with immediately realized that he was asking them to do something he wasn’t doing himself.  The newcomers he had started in the recovery process were able to do something that the rest of the founding membership of Alcoholics Anonymous could not accomplish:  They somehow managed to get him to start working the steps fully.

As an example, he states that he “had been too self-sufficient to write a moral inventory” in modern Twelve Step terms he is saying bluntly that he had not worked Steps Four and Eight because he didn’t feel he needed to.  Without Steps Four and Eight the whole Twelve Step process stops at three (which if you read the whole story is where he was stuck: working Step 3). 

It was not until he started working with others that the clarity of where he was in his own recovery became clear.  The fact that he describes himself on page 230 as “on the fringes” let’s you know that the others probably had a pretty good idea as to where he was at in working his recovery in spite of the fact he attended meetings and talked recovery language.  Even the newcomers he was starting with knew where he was really at in his recovery.  Everyone but him knew. Suddenly, when working with others it became clear.

This may run contrary to many people’s ideas as to how sponsorship works, but everyone knew he was on shaky ground and had done very little toward recovery.  Everyone knew he was “self-sufficient” which means he really didn’t even buy Step One and would have seemed like the most unlikely person to lead anyone to recovery.  The truth is, not only is he one of the founding members of Alcoholics
Anonymous in Pennsylvania, but he could not even grasp recovery until he started working with others.

There are two huge points I want to want to convey through this founding member’s story:

1. We all need to be working with others in recovery (even if just assisting another who is more advanced to work with somebody else)
2. If you do not have a fellowship that is actually growing you in the process of recovery, you either need to find one or start one.

No matter what you took out of this post, I again return to one basic idea:

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 89)

How Can I Tell Those That “Get-It” From Those That Don’t

From – Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

What kind of things should we look for in people that we are to:

• look up to,
• emulate,
• strive to be like, and
• choose as sponsors?

I personally run into multitudes of people who claim to have it right or to know it better than this person or that organization and so on.  Some of these will verbally put down the way others are working their programs and the sponsors in a way that may ultimately be far more devastating to the listener’s recovery than anything the person in question could have ever done to this person incorrectly.The question is how does one discern the difference?  The first answer that comes to mind is sobriety time.  It would seem obvious that if a person has a long term of sobriety that would seem to be the sign that he or she had it right.

The problem is that far too many people are misled or outright dishonest about their sobriety time but are quite convincing.  How many times have those of us who have been through or worked at recovery programs been around someone who seemed to have “gotten it” and who seems to be putting his or her life together only to find out that for some period of all of this (and possibly the whole time) that person has been using secretly.

Then there are the people who are confused about what sobriety is.  I remember a conversation I had with one poor soul who was having a long conversation with me describing how well his recovery had been going over the past year or two.  I was having a hard time concentrating on the positive things this man was saying were going on in his life due to the bottle of beer in his hand that he kept taking sips from (not too long after he had a level of relapse that there was no lying about or covering).

Of course there is also the “dry drunk!”  This person is in fact sober and probably has the sobriety time he or she claims to have.  The problem is that this person is as much if not more of a mess sober as when using.  As far as people one would want to “look up to, emulate, strive to be like, or choose as a sponsor” this may not the ideal person unless your desire is to be a dry drunk or dry addict also.  Whatever health recovery is, clearly this would not be the way to do it.  It is sort of like trying to learn English from a person who only can speak Spanish.  Some stuff would be right, some stuff would be kind of close, and some stuff would just be all messed up.

So here we are with more of a problem than a solution.  Something I have hear all my life is that if you want to tear out a weed, you have to tear out the roots.  So in my estimation a good place to start is by asking myself if this person seems like a person who has torn out the roots of his or her using problem.  So there it is.  Now you just have to ask yourself what the root of the problem is.  Let’s start by asking the early A.A. fellowship what they thought:

Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous book pg 62)

Notice the words “the root,” that would tell me that selfishness and self-centerednes is “the root”

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. (Alcoholics Anonymous book pg 60)

Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.’s Twelve Steps.  For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all.  Nearly all A.A.’s have found, too, that unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety, they still haven’t much chance of becoming truly happy.  Without it, they cannot live to much useful purpose, or, in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency.  (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions pg 70)

The first two of these passages were written during the period of time when the meetings were still considered a part of the Christian organization called the Oxford Groups (see the Forward To Second Edition in the Alcoholic’s Anonymous book – pg xvi in the 4^th edit) so I think it appropriate to look at what the Bible has to say also:

• “GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.” (James 4:6b)
  • I’m not sure how I feel about having God fighting against me, sounds like a loosing battle.

If selfishness and self-centeredness are the root and the whole program is based on gaining humility.  Then if God says you are either on his side (humble) or in direct opposition to Him (prideful) that would seem to mean that how humble one is a good measure of how well someone has understood and is applying the recovery materials we have been given (particularly in terms of Twelve Step recovery programs which all started from the above quoted materials).

The people I have described above, who are always self-promoting, simply by the fact of their constant self-promotion, not people who “get-it.”  If a person like this does understand the information and the idea of humility as the focus and still is repeatedly self promoting that person has not been able to convert the information into action in his or her life.  This is an intelligent person, yet clearly not an example to be followed.

This is by no means the “last word” on how you determine if a person “gets it” or not, but it is definitely the first thing one should look for if trying to discern how much a person “gets it” or doesn’t.

The other side of the coin, of course is the people who are not really humble, but are selfish and disguise it as being humble.  The sad faced person who stops you at the gas station claiming to have a carload of kids down the street in a car that is out of gas and is “humbly” asking you for a few dollars for gas and to feed the children but, when you offer to take the whole group out to eat it becomes clear that there is in fact no children and probably no car at all.

Then there is the person who sees you in need and gives you twenty dollars and says: “Don’t worry about it, you don’t owe me anything.”  Then a few weeks later that person wants something from you that you don’t really want to give them or that you cannot give them and he or she pulls out the, “When you needed something I just gave you twenty dollars!” card.  That person appeared humble, but really was only a giving person so that you would owe them later.  What I call “Godfather Humility.”  In the first Godfather movie if the Don did you a favor, you owed him a favor and paid the price if you didn’t.

All that is summed up in this statement:  “The most obvious first sign of a person who gets it is true humility.”

If a person does not have that he or she has obviously missed the point…