The Sick and the Sick Who Make Them Sicker

Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will? (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 140)

This is a big question! This is a huge question in you are the friend or loved one of an alcoholic/addict. This is a bigger question if you are a person who is called on to help someone who is an alcoholic/addict. This becomes a question of if you are any good at what you do if you are considered a professional or considered some kind expert in the field of recovery.

The Sick and the Sick Who Make Them Sicker

Creepy Clown Doctors (Photo credit: Chris Kealy)

Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will? (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 140)

This is a big question! This is a huge question if you are the friend or loved one of an alcoholic/addict. This is a bigger question if you are a person who is called on to help someone who is an alcoholic/addict. This becomes a question of if you are any good at what you do if you are considered a professional or considered some kind expert in the field of recovery.

Before you talk to or about this person; can you get past the feeling that this person is just weak, just an idiot, stupid etc.

When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible. Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 139)

This is a natural feeling to have and to some degree or other may be rooted in some level of truth. The question you have to ask yourself is are you going to be another part of the problem or a part of the solution.

Lately I have noticed more and more of these negative conversations taking place with, around or about people in desperate need. As I stated a second ago, these feelings and discussions may hold some elements of truth or even be entirely true, but the mere fact of these discussions may reveal deeper problems.

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

This passage is speaking specifically about alcoholics/addicts and the root of the problem, but is it possible that this is the root of some of the problems that some of the people around the alcoholic/addict. Not to make anyone uncomfortable, but if you are participating in activities like that is it possible that you may be a contributor to the problem by vomiting your own sickness all over the sick person in need.

Let me explain. One big question about these conversations is why? Why are you saying what you are saying or even thinking what you are thinking? Is there some way that this conversation helps the person or is that in reality incredibly unlikely.

It’s amazing how many times we who are supposed to be the friends, loved ones or helpers of a person in need see them wounded and decide that the best help we can give is a series of poison darts shot from our mouths.

Why would a group of people that know a person in need have a conversation focusing on what is wrong with the person and spend little if any time discussing what things any of them could do to help the person. Wouldn’t that be just about getting each one of their feelings communicated to someone, about making sure that the others understand why you feel that way and to ensure that they are converted to feeling the same way as you do (in other words compounding the hurts and harms that this person has caused to each of the individuals in the conversation with the harms and hurts of the others). Remember what is at the root of the person’s problem:

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

If this is the wellspring of stupidity in the life of this person, are you sure that it is the best choice of possible contributions you can make to their life?

In some cases it is an individual conversation with the person, that is the culprit. Someone who has real problems with this person (real or imagined) that he/she wants to express right now. Right now: even if the person is not listening or will be terribly damaged by the conversation etc.

Don’t get me wrong; I fully understand that these conversations need to be had. I am also fully aware that there are times when full-blown reality checks are needed. It is the when, why and how that I am questioning.

Talking smack about or to a person and using “It’s for their own good” to justify it. Or should I say to justify the fact that it is for your own good no matter how it may damage the person or the person’s relationship with others including you.

Here is a reality check for each one of us: To some degree alcoholism/addiction is contagious. I don’t mean that in the sense that if you get around an alcoholic/addict you automatically become one also. I meant that in the sense that if a person who is sick with this disorder is around you the tendency is to pick up some of the symptoms (such as selfishness and self-centeredness).

An illness of this sort – and we have come to believe it an illness – involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer’s. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents – anyone can increase the list. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 18)

There are appropriate times, places and ways to have necessary conversations about real concerns and wounds. There are also times when we want to engage in such conversations mainly because we are “concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity”.

A good reality check for all of us is to look at ourselves and how sick we are ourselves before we get busy about relieving the pressure inside of each one of us to erupt into an explosion of what’s wrong with another person.

Those who work in medicine have an obligation to “do no harm”. It would seem that it is a good rule in general and a great way to measure when it is right and wrong to express these things. After all, what right do you have to rant about the problems that person has if you are a part of the problem yourself (that includes even just influencing the other people this person encounters by talking about that person “behind their back”).

It is not a matter of if the alcoholic/addict person is indeed a sick person. It is a question of if you are so sick that you are going to make the sick person sicker instead of better.

Think of the reality involved in reality checking like you think of nuclear energy: It can be used (carefully) as a cheap and powerful source of energy and a huge benefit or it can be unleashed in a way that creates chaos and global annihilation. The reality check is not good or bad in and of itself it is a matter of how it is used.

That brings us back, full circle, to our original question:

Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will? (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 140)

Can you deal with this person and with those you discuss this person with in a way that is focused on not doing harm to him/her or how others view him/her. If you find that not to be possible, you may be at a point where you are a part of the problem also. You may have gotten there because of that person and what he/she has done to you, but the reasons do not change the facts. If you do not like the problems and want to be free of the problems, one of the first things you need to do is see if you are a part of keeping the problem going and if so STOP!

If you are supposed to be helping the problem and you are dong things that make the problem worse are you not like a person who sees a person dying of thirst and gives that person poison to drink.

I was going to stop there, then a thought occurred to me: “There are going to be some of us who suffer from alcoholism/addiction that are going to weaponize this article and use it to attempt to fend off any attempts that a person would make to reality check him/her.

The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 74)

If you are in recovery, you must not forget “The Rule”: you have to be considerate of how others feel and at the same time be hard on yourself. If a person is inconsiderately vomiting their hurts and other problems they have with you at the wrong time in the wrong way, you may have to deal with it as if your life depended on what they have to say (it might).

The key in that case is to “eat the fish and spit out the bones.” You need to find ways to sift through the crazy and find the elements of what that person is saying that is true and is a fact that you have to face if you are to get better.

What you cannot do, in attempting to deal with your own problem, is to lose focus on what you are working on by hiding behind or whining about the problem another person has (like not communicating with you properly).

What I am getting at is that everyone involved has to think of himself/herself as a person who is growing and is a work in progress. Every person involved also has to think of every other human being as a person who is growing and is a work in progress.

I am not saying that anyone is to be a verbal or emotional punching bag for another individual. What I am saying is that times, places, approaches and reactions need to be considered carefully with the question: “Am I being selfish and self-centered in some way or am I seeing a problem and trying to be a helpful part of the solution?”

There are the sick and there are the sick that make them sicker. Both need to work on getting better and all of us need to work on avoiding living as either.

Stay sober my friends!

Wade H.

*Addiction & Recovery In Entertainment ~~ Not A Secret* (catherinelyonaddictedtodimes.wordpress.com)
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10 Ways Family Members Can Help A Loved One With A Drug Or Alcohol Problem (painpillstheaddiction.wordpress.com)
The Helplessness of Helping an Addict (flashbracket.wordpress.com)
July 18, 2013 – Step by Step (cmmacneil.wordpress.com)
July 18, 2013 – Step by Step (12thstepper.wordpress.com)
July 18, 2013 – Step by Step (cmmacneil.typepad.com)

Facing Humility

He was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms, but he was a long way from admitting that he could do nothing about it himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it.

We heard no more of Fred for a while. One day we were told that he was back in the hospital. This time he was quite shaky. He soon indicated he was anxious to see us. The story he told is most instructive, for here was a chap absolutely convinced he had to stop drinking, who had no excuse for drinking, who exhibited splendid judgment and determination in all his other concerns, yet was flat on his back nevertheless. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 40)

This passage from the Big Book demonstrates one of the more serious and more common problems in recovery. Sobriety time grows into confidence, overconfidence, and then to outright pride. This pride is what set this man up for a massive relapse and can be what sets all of us up for a massive relapse.

Staring at the basic root we have to go back to the root problem:

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

If you have read my blog before you have probably run across this concept at least once and it seems to be at the root of most (if not all) of our alcohol/drug related problems to some degree. In this case it is clear the role that self-focus plays.

What I want to focus on in this article is not self-focus but overcoming it.

The focus on himself and belief in his ability to stay sober because he had learned a bunch of recovery stuff is in fact what set him up so perfectly to fail so miserably.

Before moving on, let me state one fact: INFORMATION WILL NOT KEEP YOU SOBER! Information, in and of itself will not keep you sober although it is where a lot of recovery does start. If the information is not used to cause major change in your life you are simply the same person with more information and can expect the same results except for more guilt.

Back to where I was going: This man fell into the pit of pride and woke up at the bottom. Having various struggles in recovery is part of the process of recovery. For most I hope they are not this serious, but all people in recovery are going to have struggles.

It is not the absence of struggles that demonstrates that you are getting stronger in your recovery; it is the growing ability to face and overcome the struggles that come up.

There are many things a person has to do to grow their ability to face and overcome struggles, but the most basic root solution begins with humbly being honest. Being brutally honest and then taking drastic action!

In this man’s case the action may not look that drastic when reading the story, but the most drastic action he took was admitting he was beaten (the powerless concept) and going back to the people who knew it best and told him what would happen.

They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow.

“Two of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous came to see me. They grinned, which I didn’t like so much, and then asked me if I thought myself alcoholic and if I were really licked this time. I had to concede both propositions. They piled on me heaps of evidence to the effect that an alcoholic mentality, such as I had exhibited in Washington, was a hopeless condition. They cited cases out of their own experience by the dozen. This process snuffed out the last flicker of conviction that I could do the job myself. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 42)

In the most extreme cases, a person who has been working recovery relapses like this man and is way too embarrassed or way to prideful to go back and face the people who had been helping him or her. It also may mean facing people that looked up to him or her for how well he/she was doing in recovery and letting them know that you are not invincible.

This humble “facing the music” is not an option amongst other options, this humble return is the only option.

The opposite of the selfishness and self-centeredness is humility. Any time you are struggling in recovery, start with humility. You have to overcome the idea that some self-serving concept or action will help the situation and run towards humility at all costs. Protecting yourself from things you are uncomfortable with or that you fear is not recovery, it is choosing to remain in the bondage.

The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 74)

Self-protection and fear are not a part of the recovery they are obstacles to recovery. The man in the story faced it and grew from it. That is one of the most key points to the whole story. This has to not only be something you do, this has to become a way of life in recovery. This is a lifestyle of humility which is the opposite of a lifestyle of self-focus. Does it seem like being really hard on yourself? Absolutely! That is why it is something we have to learn and not just something we all magically start doing.

We all need to develop the anxiousness to see those who will honestly help us move forward when it is the hardest to do so.

Remember this key idea: YOU HAVE TO FACE IT TO START TO BE FREE OF IT!!!

Stay sober my friends,

Wade H.

Valentine’s Day – A Recovery Check and A Reality Check (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
Overcoming Self-Will (dailycontemplation.wordpress.com)

In Recovery Remember “MY WAY IS THE GET HIGH WAY!!!”

In Recovery Remember “MY WAY IS THE GET HIGH WAY!!!”

Last Touches on the Mussle — (Photo credit: goodnight_photography)

Thus we grow. And so can you, though you be but one man with this book in your hand. We believe and hope it contains all you will need to begin. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 162 – 163)

You may be just one man or one woman with this book, but that is at least enough to begin. The reason that is the case is because all things Twelve Step have their beginnings in the Alcoholics Anonymous book.

It will probably require the help of others who know what is in the book to really get beyond just beginning.

The key to all of this is the Alcoholics Anonymous book. The writers of the book intended it to have all the information needed to do whatever it took for them to get the miracle of recovery that was supposed to be impossible for them.

Those of us who live in large cities are overcome by the reflection that close by hundreds are dropping into oblivion every day. Many could recover if they had the opportunity we have enjoyed. How then shall we present that which has been so freely given us?

We have concluded to publish an anonymous volume setting forth the problem as we see it. We shall bring to the task our combined experience and knowledge. This should suggest a useful program for anyone concerned with a drinking problem. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 19)

To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary. (Alcoholics Anonymous – Forward to the First Edition)

Let me get take a slight detour then get to the real point here:

One of the biggest problems that these writers thought we have is the need to have things our own way.

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

People who are at the worst level of alcoholism/addiction like to do things their own way in spite of what others around them tell them to do. That is one of the major aspects of our sickness. We do crazy stuff that causes all sorts of problems simply because we want to and in spite of what anybody says, proves and even in spite of past terrible results.

This brings us to why there was the need for a book in the first place. There was a need for a standard of information that showed the course for recovery instead of letting people just do whatever they thought would work. Most people who are starting recovery have already tried a few of their own ideas and failed miserably and that is exactly why he or she is in recovery to begin with.

Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums – we could increase the list ad infinitum. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 31)

I mention this to clarify the idea that recovery is strongly based on not doing what we want to do or what we think is right but that it hinges on being so desperate to get better that we are willing to do things that we absolutely do not want to do or that we find terribly uncomfortable.

Keeping all of that in mind; I finally get to my point. People in recovery are by nature drawn to cutting corners and doing things incorrectly to keep themselves from being uncomfortable.

If we go through recovery just listening to this person’s and that person’s ideas and concepts of recovery we each will find what we believe is the best way by picking the parts of what each person tells us that we are each most comfortable with. In other words we will use the commentary of others in recovery to search out our own ways to cut corners and do things incorrectly to keep ourselves comfortable.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58)

The fact that people in recovery are usually looking for “easier” ways is not the exception to the rule, it is the rule and must be the rule for getting recovery advice from other individuals.

The only concept that could be used to combat such a universal problem is to come up with a standard of information that could be used both guide a person through recovery and to judge if the information one is getting in recovery is correct or not. There has to be a standard of information that is both the source and measure of all related information.

That is precisely why the alcoholics book was written and why it is a must for all persons pursuing Twelve Step recovery of any kind.

I am regularly astonished by the number of people who I encounter who are either brought to my attention as experts or are self-proclaimed experts that know very little about what is in the Alcoholics Anonymous book.

Many A.A. meetings I have been to have been have been filled with people who are either empty handed or who have brand new, pristine copies of the Alcoholics Anonymous book on their lap (which means they own it, but have never read it).

Often there are one or two people with well worn books who are sitting in these same rooms shaking their heads or rolling their eyes at some of the things people are saying, but politely trying to be supportive of whoever because at least he or she is there and trying.

All of us need to stop it and get back to whatever the standard is supposed to be. Owning an Alcoholics Anonymous book is not enough; we need to read it and learn it (and pass what is in it on to others). We cannot grow in environments where everyone is creating his or her own “softer, easier way” of recovery and expect anything but foolishness.

Let me share a word of warning before you go on however. IN THE LAND OF THE INSANE THE SANE PERSON LOOKS LIKE THE IDIOT!!!!

If you begin to learn what the Alcoholics Anonymous book actually says recovery is, do not suddenly become this angry crusader for truth yelling out page numbers over speakers at meetings. The truth is that many you encounter will not want anything to do with what you have to say simply because it challenges the softer easier path they are on no matter how nice or how rudely you express it to them.

Just share the facts and those who truly are desperate to follow the path that is actually laid out will seek more and will get what they are supposed to be getting. Those that do not care to hear it may be on the path to failure. The bottom line is it is either the Twelve Steps as outlined in the Alcoholics Anonymous book or it is not. Doing whatever you want because it is comfortable to you is not.

Many of us live by the rule “It’s my way or the highway” which means things either go the way I want or something is wrong and has to go. I am proposing almost the dead opposite. Just think of this small statement as the bottom line: MY WAY IS THE GET HIGH WAY!!!

Stay sober my friends,

Wade H.

Normal Drinkers (themiracleisaroundthecorner.wordpress.com)

The Christmas Promises

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84)

Those who have been to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings or have a Twelve Step Background will know this passage to be a passage from what are called the Promises. Those things that are the awesome goals that are described as what life looks like when you have worked your recovery properly (through the Ninth Step into Steps Ten, Eleven and Twelve).

This passage is very important to consider during this time of year. For much of the world, including the United States, we have begun counting down the days until Christmas. By that I mean that many of us are counting down the minutes until that special moment when your friends and loved ones get together and give you free stuff. There are other wonderful aspects to th holiday season and especially Christmas, but for many of us the gift receiving is most enjoyable part.

I know that, a bunch of people who are absolutely thinking like I just described are telling themselves right now that this dos not describe them. Telling themselves “Thank God I’m not one of those people.”

Before you get yourself too far down that road, ask yourself this and ponder it honestly: If for no apparent reason, nobody got me anything this Christmas or even really paid me much attention, how would I feel.

Would you not notice at all?

Would you notice and be thankful for the opportunity to focus on others without the distraction of them noticing you?

Would you think of how great it is that everyone is focusing on more important things finally?

or would you:

Be angry and bitter?

Be frustrated that here comes another Christmas and nobody is thinking of you again?

Think that the reason you are not getting gifts is because you didn’t get them nice enough gifts and plan how to get them better gifts?

Feel a tremendous amount of self pity, because you messed up so bad that they don’t even give you gifts?

If you would notice and feel anything like the second group of responses you might have an area that needs to be looked at. Losing interest in selfish things and gaining interest in others. Having your self-seeking slip away is a new attitude that is the mark of progress in your recovery.

The self seeking is at the rood of alcoholism/drug addiction:

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

On Christmas, birthdays or other times where many people expect gifts and people to honor them are you concerned with yourself, your resentments or your self-pity.

This is a big jump for a lot of people, but what would it be like for you on Christmas to truly not want anything from others and to be only concerned with how you can help or bring joy to all that you encounter.

Many of us have an incredibly hard time imagining that to be freedom and imagine that kind of thinking to be the thinking of someone who is all messed up. While mentally measuring the people around you by what they give you on a specific day or days of the year makes perfectly good sense to you.

I know there are those out there who try to manipulate others to show emotion towards them by giving people big gifts etc. and that is not what I am talking about. If a person does that then the gift they are looking for is the emotional response and that is a whole other sickness in and of itself. That sickness is disguised by calling the expected gift “appreciation.”

I am talking about truly not expecting anything in return.

On the news, I have been hearing stories of people who anonymously pay off thousands of dollars of layaway items for others in stores. There are people who could not afford to buy something, so they put it on a payment plan at the store. Then some unnamed person goes in and pays for what they owe and they get the item for free and don’t even know who to thank. The person who paid off the item truly expected nothing in return. I know that because none of the people that had their items paid for can even give anything to this person du to th fact that they do not know who the person is.

This is a person who has a true interest in their fellows and has lost interest in selfish things.

There are these sorts of individuals on the planet and if you are in recovery, becoming one of these individuals is a art of what you should look like in the end. I am not saying to run out and fake it right now or to get all emotionally excited because you just read this and run out to some store and buy people stuff.

I’m asking each of us to take an honest look at where we are at relative to this goal and to diligently work towards honestly being that kind of person.

If faking it for now is the best you can do on the way to becoming that person, then by all means, get to it. If working Steps harder throughout the holiday season is the path for you, get to that. If reflective thought with your sponsor, counselor or group is the best you can do this year, then let get to that.

The key is not that you have to be perfectly unselfish by tomorrow morning. The key is that this is the goal and you always measure your progress by your distance from the goal not by how good you feel or how good other people think you are.

If you really are not even beginning to get over selfishness, A GOOD PLACE TO START, is to find someone else in recovery to invest your time in over the holiday instead of what you usually do. It may be just you and that person, there may be other sponsors/people in recovery or whatever, but focus on helping another person instead of what you can get. Forget what stuff you can get or how much attention you can get and focus on what you can do for someone who probably won’t give you anything in return.

This concept is not only good for shooting towards those promises that say you will feel better than you ever have felt before. This concept is a key one to staying sober:

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 89)

To be helpful is our only aim. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 89)

If you are still looking for something you can take from the holidays, then I have the most awesome gift for you: Growth in your recovery! We can drink, smoke, snort or inject away all of the other gifts we get, but growth in each of our own recoveries is priceless.

Be useful this holiday season and the feeling of uselessness will truly disappear. The more you do things for others without expecting anything in return, the more self-seeking will slip away. The more you find joy in what you give and less in what you get the less you will have to feel self pity about. This is the change of our whole attitude and outlook on life that we are shooting for.

Focus on this passage as the promises for future holidays including Christmas:

Happiest of holidays in ne freedom and stay sober my friends…

Wade H.

Holiday Gatherings: Explain or Avoid (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
A Common Sense Approach to Communicating Common Sense (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
Treated as an Alcoholic/Addict or Weirdo During the Holidays (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
Truly Letting Go – Starting at the Bottom (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
The Idiot in My Mirror (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)

The Dubious Luxuries of Normies – But Not Me!!!

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)

This is a key concept that seems to be missed in many recovery circles. I regularly hear people share that seem as though mad at everyone. I don’t have a problem with a person in recovery experiencing those feelings, the problem I have is that nobody seems to feel that it is necessary to try to help these people find freedom from this or to even discuss the fact that these kinds of feelings are death to people like us. That is a long, miserable, prolonged, sinking in quicksand kind of death.

If nobody has noted this important idea for all of us in recovery and for all people working the Twelve Steps to you, let me be the first: ANGER, NEGATIVE FEELINGS AND NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ARE POISON TO YOUR WORLD AND TO YOUR RECOVERY!

That can be multiplied exponentially for one of our worst archenemies; resentment.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 66)

Resentment is a big killer for those of us in recovery. We have absolutely no room for this ridiculous mess in our lives. Not only can we not have this in our lives we need to take time at the end of each day to search out these kinds of feelings and desperately do all we can to be rid of them before we lay our heads on the pillow and transition into the next day.

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 86)

Whatever it takes, no matter how drastic the response may seem, we cannot allow ourselves to keep anger and resentment. If you truly understand resentment as a terrible poison for your life then this statement will be painfully clear to you. Whatever it takes, no matter how drastic the response may seem, we cannot allow ourselves to keep this terrible poison in our system.

Sometimes when this is discussed, a few people come to believe that expression of the feelings is the cure and go off on a whirlwind tangent of crazy assaults on all unsuspecting passers by they deem to deserve it. I am not saying that there will never be an instance where you might need to stand up for something or someone, but angry outbursts are simply the same poison in a different color.

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84)

And more clearly and directly stated:

We avoid retaliation or argument. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)

Did you notice how in the passage from page 84 “fighting anything or anyone” is directly tied to interest in relapsing. Both are tied together with the concept of sanity. Fighting anything or anyone and relapse are insanity and by the time a person gets to Step Ten sanity should have returned. By Step Ten these kinds of feelings and outbursts should be a thing of the past and on the rare occasion that they almost come up, they cause a recoil. The kind of recoil that a person has when they are not paying attention and their hand accidentally touches the hot stove.

Look at these definitions from Dictionary.com for the word “recoil”:

to draw back; start or shrink back, as in alarm, horror, or disgust.
to jerk back, as from an impact or violent thrust
…to draw back in fear, horror, or disgust: to recoil from the sight of blood

That is not to say that angry, frustrated, resentful, etc. are not a part of you are now. What all of that says and what I am saying is that those things absolutely cannot be a part of who you need to become to get recovery.

Who you have been is the problem and who you are supposed to become through the recovery process is the solution. Staying the same is not an option. If you stay the same inevitably you will do the same. If you do the same, you will eventually get the same results.

This may be quite a tall order for some of us and I do not disagree with that assessment. The fact it is hard to change or even hard to want to change however, does not somehow make it okay to stay the same.

As a matter of fact, many of the tasks of recovery are hard to change or hard to want to change (like the fact of using and the need for recovery itself). If you are not willing to run towards these kinds of change and desperately work towards them at all costs, you can count on little if any recovery. A person who will not change has decided to stay the same and can expect the same results.

There are also those who have found some degree of freedom and yet have not found the real freedom we are promised. In many of these cases these attitudes are evident and often dismissed as the result of this lack of freedom yet seldom are these looked at as possibly the reason for the lack of freedom.

Before you can be free of the poisons that the world is trying to shove into your life you have to deal with the poisons you shove into your own life. These angers, frustrations, resentments etc. are the luxuries of the people who do not use, but they are not for us. For us these are among the most painful and prolonged forms of self torture and suicide there can be for us. On the other hand, freedom from these may be your keys to freedom from many evils that poison and devour your life.

Stay sober my friends,

Wade H.

How to Make Anger and Resentment Unnecessary (psychologytoday.com)

Joy, Freedom and True Happiness Under Pressure and Difficulty

The joy of living we really have, even under pressure and difficulty. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 15)

Good Against Bad (Photo credit: michael.heiss)

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 83)

Joy, happiness and freedom EVEN UNDER PRESSURE AND DIFFICULTY; these are alien concepts to so many of us. If you are in the world for any period of time it wont take long to realize that the world is like a game of cards: There are good hands and there are bad hands and you gotta know how to deal with both.

One thing that is also true of us working through recovery is that we really don’t have the luxury of freaking out. We either learn to deal with the good and the bad or we haven’t really learned to deal with life.

I was very specific when I said BOTH because some of us cannot handle the bad without freaking out and some of us cannot handle the good without self-destructing.

I do not hold with those who believe that alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I have had many men who had, for example, worked a period of months on some problem or business deal which was to be settled on a certain date, favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date, and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. xxix-xxx – 4^th Edition the Doctor’s Opinion)

He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 21)

Some of us fall flat on our face from things going too well also. We gotta learn to handle the good and the bad. We have to learn to have happiness and remain free in both. This is something that comes through the process (the passage from page 83 is from “The Promises” that are for those almost through with Step 9), but we have to be aware of it also.

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84)

Of course, the timeframe mentioned here is after Step 9 is completed, but this is key also. We are not fighting people and life, we are taking life on life’s terms, one day at a time. We are looking to gain the courage to change the things we can change, the serenity to accept the things we cannot change and the wisdom to know the which are the things we can change and which are the things we cannot.

If you are not at this point, three things are evident:

Getting through the Steps up to Step Nine seems to be a prerequisite to the expectation of a lot of this, so vigorously working or reworking your Steps is a key

Then there is this:

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 89)

When desperate, working with somebody else is a must. If you are feeling uncomfortably bad or uncomfortably good it is not just a choice, it is a must.
It is not about you!!!! The planet and all the people in it were not specifically placed here to keep you comfortable.

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 61)

If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 60– 61)

You cannot try to force or manipulate the world into keeping you comfortable and you cant allow yourself to get angry, indignant, self-pitying or so otherwise uncomfortable that you are in danger.

Joy, freedom and happiness that can sand pressure and discomfort are offered to you. There is hope, but you have to take action to get it.

Stay sober my friends,

Wade H.

Getting The Right Glasses on the Right Way (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
The “No Matter What The Consequences” “Go To Any Length” Promises (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
What “Recovery” Is and Isn’t (bangordailynews.com)

The Shortcuts and By-paths of Friends and Loved Ones

The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his “in-laws,” each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family’s attitude towards himself or herself. Each is interested in having his or her wishes respected. We

find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.

And why? Is it not because each wants to play the lead? Is not each trying to arrange the family show to his liking? Is he not unconsciously trying to see what he can take from the family life rather than give?

Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us,” Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill.” Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle. There will be alluring shortcuts and by-paths down which they may wander and lose their way. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 122– 123)

For the friends and loved ones around the alcoholic/addict each life is incredibly altered by the fact of having an alcoholic/addict in their world. Some people act as if not affected, but most often this is simply a massive misconception that will only be unraveled somewhere down the road with significant amounts counseling or a significant shock to that their system.

The behaviors, thoughts, interactions etc. of the alcoholic/addict in relation to those around him/her cannot help but impact all who come in contact.

The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?” (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 82)

These are the worst case scenarios, but all are affected to some degree or other from those who have a permanent raised eyebrow for that individual to those who suddenly feel the urge to vigorously bludgeon the person past death and past a state of rigor mortis simply because that person’s name was mentioned.

Here is a newsflash that most of us, particularly those of us with no alcohol or addiction problems: If you do not deal with (or have not dealt with) whatever negative effects that person’s using has had on you, YOU WILL BECOME ONE OF THE OBSTACLES TO THIS PERSONS RECOVERY AND GENERAL GROWTH IN LIFE.

You may have had no blame whatsoever in this person’s previous using, you may have been the codependent enabler of this person, or you might have been the direct cause of this person’s use, but at this moment you are either becoming a part of the solution or a part of the problem.

The person who has been building resentment for years that this person would never pay any attention to your protestations probably should not take the first moment of clarity to vomit up every injustice this person has ever done to you up to the point of dry-heaving insanity upon this person in his/her first hard fought moment of clarity.

I am not saying there is not a need for a time and a place to confront and resolve each injustice, but weaponizing your confrontation of legitimate issues for this first opportunity to act out an effective ambush is probably not the way, unless your goal is to utterly destroy this person. If your goal is to utterly destroy this person, you need to leave this person alone and go get help NOW!

If you are the more passive, not wanting to set this person off, kind of person, that has a whole other set of issues that arise. The fact for those of us in recovery is expressed in this passage written to help us focus our efforts to fix the past. This is how we should be looking at dealing with you on these issues:

Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 77– 78)

If we do not get better “until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past” hiding the past from us or minimizing it is the equivalent of hiding our recovery from us. We need your true feelings and emotions to have any hope of recovery. We need your reality to understand how to correct the filters we use for our perception of reality.

A person working Step Nine should not be allowed to blame you or manipulate you into minimizing what you feel or what happened. Each person in recovery needs to work on preparing to look at the worst of his/her past, preparing to do whatever is humanly possible to repair each thing in the past and desperately and vigorously use that experience as the fuel to grow to a point of never repeating the same destructive behaviors ever again. This person is supposed to be learning to be far less self focused and more humble in a healthy and balanced way.

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! . (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

That is the task that must be undertaken at some point. There are appropriate times and places and processes of preparation that one must work through (Step Eight for example where you work towards each amends that you actually carry out in Step Nine) before each confrontation happens, but they have to happen or the recovery process has broken down completely. The uncomfortable process that will serve as the motivating energy behind the radical changes the Twelve Step process requires to work simply does not exist if this is not carried out properly. The change cannot happen and if you are not changed, you are the same and can expect the same results. That means relapse and worse!

All of this needs to be confronted at the right time, in the right way.

Now, back to the family and the passage we started with (why we are really here):

We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.

According to this passage, the alcoholic/addict in recovery may not be the only selfish and self-centered person in the mix. This may not apply to you specifically, but each person needs to honestly ask himself/herself the question HONESTLY. There is no excusing your self focus because that person has been more selfish or deserves it or is stupid or whatever. Either you are being selfish and self-centered or you are not.

If you are the person who has to confront this right now however you feel it needs to be confronted two things are evident:

This confrontation has nothing to do with any aspect of helping that person get better it is all about finding some sense of victory while that person is in a weakened state.
This confrontation has nothing to do with finding any real solution to the problem or you would be looking for the right time when the person would be properly prepared to really get together with you and do whatever it takes to resolve each issue.

If you are one of the people who will act as if everything is fine and none of that mattered or the “well I just don’t want to make his recovery tougher” people: STOP IT NOW!!!

You are robbing this person of their recovery simply so you won’t feel uncomfortable or feel responsible if they freak out. If this person does freak out, there are really two possibilities:

That person is simply not ready to deal with these issues properly yet and cannot consider his/her amends to you completed
This person is so used to manipulating you that he/she can avoid any discomfort he/she perceives is related to you by manipulating you into feeling guilty until you shut-up. (That is another area that that person would need to make amends for).

Either one is a situation that needs to change for that person to get recovery.

The truth is that the archenemy of the alcoholic/addict is selfishness and self-centeredness in any form. Granted, that person has to learn to live with the fact that the planet finds itself covered with more selfishness than it has land for all of the selfish people to stand on and is highly unlikely a person could figure out a path in life that avoids all selfishness. The question is not one about fixing all of the selfishness on the planet however, the question is firmly: “Are you as an individual a part of the problem or of a part of the solution for this person?”

As I said before, you may have never do much as lifted a finger to cause this person to use ever before this. That’s awesome, but please don’t start being a part of the problem now!!! We all struggle with an alcoholic/addict and their thoughts and behaviors to some degree or other. We need to be willing to struggle through some discomfort for their health and you will probably find that actual resolutions to the problems will do wonders for your mental and emotional health also. Focusing on ensuring that you are not selfish or self-protective can’t hurt either.

I suppose there are those people who have all of this in line and struggle with none of these issues. I commend you and I am thankful that you are on our planet as an example to the rest of us. I do however, present to you the idea that individuals cannot judge such things about themselves safely without at the least the consultation of a few folks that understand what we are looking at and can honestly tell you the truth.

In other words, if you are a friend or loved one of a person in recovery, PLEASE seek some outside assistance or advice from someone who understands these things (assume you would like to be a part of the solution or at least not be a part of the problem). And never EVER EVER EVER EVER use the sentence “He/she is the person with the problem, why do I need to…” That statement in and of itself is an indicator of just being concerned with yourself and not doing anything for this person.

You can be a huge part of the healing process for your friend or loved one and all it takes is to unselfishly confront the issues at the time that is best for the person and for you. Yes there is discomfort, but at least the discomfort is along the path to freedom and closure. You may have been a hero in this person’s life standing by them all of this time and they may not have truly even noticed, but this is an opportunity to be a beacon of hope and freedom for a person in desperate need at the moment it will count the most to him/her. You just have to stay off of the shortcuts and by-paths.

If you are the person in recovery, consider your responsibilities in all of this and the challenges those around you will have confronting these issues with you at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Don’t try to protect yourself from discomfort by avoiding any of these amends. If you are not ready, then diligently work (with the help of others) on getting ready to make the amends.

There is a solution, and all of us involved can be a part of it.

Thoroughly Followed or Thoroughly Ignored

Thoroughly Followed or Thoroughly Ignored

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58)

This is a fairly well known passage from the Alcoholics Anonymous book and it contains some key concepts that are often missed by those claiming to be working or to have worked recovery. The really odd thing here is that the key parts are put out there so clearly that it would seem that you would have to work pretty hard to miss those key points.

The first sentence says it just about as clearly as it could be. It basically says; if you want the recovery program to work you have to do the actual recovery program. “It works if you work it!” and it wont work if you don’t work it!!!

You have to “thoroughly follow” the same “Steps” that the people who are writing here took. You have to do the same if you want to expect the same. If you do something different, then you can expect something different.

I have recently encountered and have heard a few discussions about people who did a bit of this and a bit of that from the Twelve Steps and then believe; “all will be fine.”

I would have to say that that if I went to a recovery program (in this case a Twelve Step Program) and put my future in the hope that what those people offer is my hope then I would have to do whatever they wanted me to do.

Many people go into recovery with this hope and somehow don’t do what the people tell them they are supposed to do. Then such a person person decides not to do what they tell him/her to do to as recovery or only some parts of it? If this person is not doing the program they outline, what exactly is this person doing? Is just being around people working recovery doing nothing or just the few things you are comfortable enough to get sobriety really a recovery program?

The supporting evidence these people use for this reasoning are reasons like: “I’ve been sober six months now”, “I feel like I’m better, so I don’t need this stuff”, “I am losing interest so that means I’m done” and on and on.

The truth is that these people are not working recovery and not doing recovery, they are avoiding the work of recovery.

The minute you start cutting corners happens to be the minute you cease to be working recovery. Either you completely give yourself to the simple program or you do not. There is no kinda doing it.

All of this cutting corners and justifying it to yourself is really foolish when you look at the facts. The fact that you decided this program would work and went there and did something else is foolish enough without lying to yourself and others to keep it that way.

Lying to yourself is not being honest with yourself. According to this passage those who cannot be honest with themselves are doomed to epic failure.

If your recovery program finds its foundation in lies you tell yourself and to others, how can you possibly hope to grasp and develop “a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.” If you are not doing the things that you felt could help you change and then lying about it knowing that one of the key goals is a lifestyle that demands rigorous honesty, you are making the choice to fail.

For any of you who are going into recovery or are already in recovery here are some facts to consider:

If you don’t trust that the people you are working with or the program you are working with can give you recovery; why would you waste your life and time and everybody else’s lives and time.
If you do trust them and what they do and yet do not do everything they tell you to do are you really trusting them? NO!!! You do not really trust them (refer back to the previous statement)
If you do trust them and what they do and yet do not do everything they tell you to do as the path to freedom can you really expect the results that are supposed to come from doing those things? NO!!! Expect some other results (such as relapse perhaps)!!!

If you have done recovery like this and do not see any problems (yet), please go back and do whatever it is that you trusted until you started to trust the lie. Do not allow yourself to be one of those “unfortunates”!

Stay sober my friends;

Wade H.

What You Need To Learn For True Freedom

What You Need To Learn For True Freedom

We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 70)

This a segment from the part of the Alcoholics Anonymous book that describes the things that should have happened if you did your Fourth Step correctly. In other words if these things have not happened, you are absolutely not done with your Step Four and should not be trying to move on to Step Five. The change you were looking for has not happened. Or, should I say, the change the authors felt you needed t get sober have not happened.

Look at this passage describing one of the focuses of Step Five:

They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 73)

The implication of this passage is that one of the reasons that there is a Step Five is to help each person get rid of MORE egoism, get rid of MORE fear, and get more humble. This means that a big part of Step Four is to get humility, fearlessness and more honesty according to passage. Step Five merely takes you deeper.

Consider this passage from a page before we start actually reading about doing the Fourth Step:

Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

Selfishness and Self-centeredness! The archenemy of every alcoholic and addict is self focus. This is supposed to be addressed in Step Four directly. If you do not deal with the selfishness and self-centeredness then you stay the same. If you stay the same then you are the same and can expect the same results at some point. In other words: If your recovery does not change you deeply, then you have gone through recovery and come out the same. If you are the same you can expect to do the same at some point no matter how long you manage to put it off.

Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.’s Twelve Steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. Nearly all A.A.’s have found too, that unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety, they still haven’t much chance of becoming truly happy. (12 Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 70)

The focus of Step Four and Step Five (and in reality of all of the Steps) is the attainment of humility. I know I have crossed this bridge a few times, but because it is such a key focus of all we do this topic has to be more of a bridge we cross over daily in our commute to our one day at a time recovery instead a bridge we pass over and never look back at again.

The obvious question that comes up when having this humility conversation is: “What about the people who are not humble who have sobriety time?” I say to that question: “Bring three of those people to your mind.” (I personally know a bunch) How do you like to be around those people for a long time? Honestly speaking, those people make me want to gag myself with a jackhammer.

Some are so miserable and angry about everything they encounter that I kinda have to resist the natural urge to avoid conversation with them. The kind of person who gets up to share and describes how jacked up life is and the world and on and on yet throwing in the but I’ve been sober “X” amount of years (and people clap and cheer etc.). Not to say that their recovery time is a bad thing. I’m also not talking about the fact that all of us have those days and periods of time. I’m describing the person who meeting after meeting, day after day, conversation after conversation and year after year has the same attitude and those same conversations.

I remember thinking to myself, when hearing guys like that over and over again; “If that is all there is to recovery, then I would rather keep using. If sober is that miserable and being miserable is my motivation for wanting to be sober I’m stuck choosing between sober and miserable and drunk/high and miserable.

This passage says that sober and miserable is not the goal at all and that gaining humility is the answer.

Another form of this being not “truly happy” because of not getting enough humility is seen in these people who cannot fell comfortable or good unless they are taking control of everything. They always know more or have to get a word in or have to declare constantly how great they are etc. Is not all of that truly the diametric opposition to humility. The most opposite you could possibly get to it.

If a person were this “truly happy” why would said person be so unhappy (or the disguise they use for this “uncomfortable”) when not in control? Translation: What kind of “truly happy” person needs to derive any kind of positive feeling from the manipulation of others.

I spoke on this previously so I will not go over this passage in detail but if you want to truly get a look at this kind of person look at pgs. 60, 61 and 62 in the Alcoholics Anonymous book. The passages that use the example of the actor who wants to run the show and thinks if everyone would just act the way he/she wants them to all would be fine.

This person is not “truly happy.” This person is sick (still sick) and manipulative.

I am not saying: “Ooooh, you evil person!” I’m saying there is a key obstacle that still has not been overcome that desperately needs to be (for your own good and the good of those around you).

Now back to what all of this has to do with the Fourth Step. What does killing your selfishness, self-centeredness and gaining more humility look like in Step Four?

Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)

The book asks you (as a resentment list) to write down everyone you have ever been angry at in your life.

In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 64)

Without going too far down this rabbit trail, you list angers because people generally do not know all of their resentments off of the top of their heads. Most people have five or so they can think of and that’s it. But, if you list every time you have been angry (even if the other person never knew) then you are likely to realize that many of those (if not most) are some level of resentment, some of which you try to hide from yourself.

So if done like this, you end up with a massive, itemized list of every person who has ever ticked you off throughout your whole life. Have you begun to “learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even your enemies” or have you just unearthed a whole lot of uneasy feelings, many of which you had neatly packed away to not think about. When do you start looking at them as “sick people” you have hurt by your conduct and become willing to straighten out the past?

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.” (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 66– 67)

First we look at them as people who are spiritually sick. Sick in ways that are much deeper than just being the messed up person who chose to tick me off. Two pages before, the authors use this same “spiritually sick” concept to describe the problem that has made us alcoholic/addicts and that made us hurt other people.

The question here is, “Could it be that these people are suffering from a similar inner sickness that you suffer from.” Is it possible that their real problem is that they need help that they may not even know they need like you and the rest of us recovery folks?

Then you are asking for tolerance, pity, and patience. The kind you show a sick person who accidently does something that you do not like because it is some symptom of their sickness. Like a friend who has a week to live who vomits on your clothes. What kind of person gets mad at that person and beats the terminally ill person up or cusses them out?

Next you are looking to be helpful to that person. Instead of being a part of the problem, you are looking to be a part of the solution. In other words; you are a sick person and this is a sick person. You are trying to get better and have some ideas now about what it takes to get better. You have encountered a person who is trapped in a similar sickness and you know how to point that person in the direction of getting better. You can choose to overcome the urge to retaliate and look for ways to truly be helpful (even if it’s just dropping a tidbit of information that person may not even consider for many years) or you can just jump on the crazy train with that person and fan the flames of craziness in that person’s world while restarting whatever fires have been put out in you.

The fire starters and the people who fan the flames of others are continuing down the path of selfishness and self-centeredness and away from the key focus of Twelve Step recovery: “The attainment of greater humility”.

Key to all of this is to seek freedom from the anger that normally rises. They did not say resentment, the authors stressed “anger”. Anger is really the feeling that there is this right to be angry which is really the spiteful desire to punish another person between your own ears in your head. You may spew some of your own crazy on that person or others (or you may not) but in reality in trying to beat them up inside your head, you are in truth only beating a hole in the rock that is on top of your neck.

That person did something to you: “How dare they hurt someone as important as you?” Forget the “sick” person part and the “how can I be helpful” to this person part. This person had the nerve to hurt ME!

Another fine definition of “selfishness and self-centeredness” which is the root of our troubles.

After listing every person who has ever angered you in your life, you need to go over this with each and every person on the list. You need to take this view of every person on the list and find an answer to the question: “How can I be helpful to him” or her?

Then comes the deep part: There is a test to see which ones you have been successful at making these changes on and the ones you haven’t so you can go back and work on those ones some more.

Now, you take this list of every person who has ever ticked you off ever and ignore that very fact completely. All you have right now is a list of what is wrong with everyone else in the world and you may or may not have included yourself a few times on this list. What did you do before or during whatever thing is listed to the listed person(s) that was in some way just not right? If nothing what did you do to this person that was not right after this thing occurred (instead of looking for “How can I be helpful to” this other sick person)?

Is it not true that if you were not helpful to this person you were probably hurtful?

The situation or the person may have required a calm discussion. It may have needed a firm but caring confrontation. It may have required the police be called and an abusive person arrested for their own potential growth and you to leave so that that person has opportunity to see that being abusive is not okay (even though he or she may never see it you focused on trying to be helpful instead of retaliation etc.) . It may mean telling parents, principles and proper authorities about being abused as a child to get that person proper help and to save other children from such abuse. (An abused child will not have done anything to the person as a child but often as adults abuse themselves with resentments. Those who were abused as children often also never even begin to think about how to be helpful to that person. This is a deep part of the resentment and the self-protection manifesting. That may mean demanding that person get help or you will expose them etc. An abused child is never to be blamed but as an adult we have to take on responsibility to be free and to be helpful).

This is a deep and often painful look at what is wrong with you and not everyone else. The “How can I be helpful to him” or her part is not just some cool psychobabble that the Twelve Step people invented. It is the end zone for this part of Step Four. It is the “attainment of greater humility” overcoming “Selfishness and self-centeredness” part. If you don’t get this change, you are the same except now you have an itemized list of everything and everyone that ever worked your nerves.

Or you might even be worse; you may be one of these people who has like three or four people listed and ramble on and on about not having resentments only to either relapse or to white-knuckle struggle your way through some abstinence while selfishness and self-centeredness keeps you never able to enjoy the world for what it is.

If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 70)

This is a lot of work and a tremendous amount of stress. Well one would expect there to be a tremendous amount of work and a tremendous amount of stress in the process of getting a tremendous amount of freedom.

A person chained up in a cage can get free from the chains and become free to roam within the cage and some can even get to roam around the whole prison which are levels of freedom but are not truly free. We want true freedom and it is possible.

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.

Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs 63– 64)

We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 65– 66)

Stay sober my friends;

Wade H.

“In The Face Of Expert Opinion To The Contrary, We Have Recovered” (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
Getting The Right Glasses on the Right Way (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
The “No Matter What The Consequences” “Go To Any Length” Promises (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)

Volcano-Vomit and Huge, Pink, Dancing Elephants in Our Rooms?

volcano erruption at the mirage — (Photo credit: tricky (rick harrison))

Volcano-Vomit and Huge, Pink, Dancing Elephants in

Our Rooms?

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 77)

Okay, before I start, I just wanted to warn you that I am about to go off on a rant, so consider yourself duly warned.

Here is the background to all of this. I was at a meeting that I don’t normally attend and right before the meeting a couple of seemingly important woman came hurriedly in, taping little notes everywhere.

They seemed a bit distressed and very urgent about their task and since nobody else tripped on it besides me; I assumed I must be correct about them being important.

They started to have a few conversations with people in the room who I assume to be regulars, but the conversations they were having were the passive aggressive, I want everyone to hear my point kind.

You know the kind where you are talking to somebody, but you are not looking at that person, you are looking at the other people around with that intense, tightened eyebrow, stair that is some sort of nicer evil eye. I suppose it is the passive aggressive, unspoken version of, “You better listen here all of you, or else!”

So I figured I ought to listen to any message that was important enough to be preceded by so much passive aggressive intensity. Turns out, the were in all bent out of shape because a couple of people at some previous meeting had mentioned drug use and they were determined to make sure that nobody ever made such a terrible assault on them again.

As I watched I realized these ladies were on a witch hunt and were trying to campaign to get enough support to vote to have the meeting be a closed meeting and allow no addicts unless they only discussed alcohol. So their anger had become this volcano and the minutes before the meeting became a time to vomit lava on all of those they knew in attendance that would listen (and apparently on those of us they didn’t know also)

Now, covered in the vomit-lava of the group conscience vigilantes all I could think was: Someone needs to do a Fourth Step (or I guess both somones). Then I started pondering the Twelve Traditions and recordings I have of statements from founding members about this whole topic and then my mind switched. Didn’t Dr. Bob and Bill W. both mention use of other substances besides alcohol in their stories. So before I go on, Lets take a look:

A doctor came with a heavy sedative. Next day found me drinking both gin and sedative. This combination soon landed me on the rocks. People feared for my sanity. So did I. I could eat little or nothing when drinking, and I was forty pounds under weight. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 6– 7)

Keeping in mind that it hadn’t been all that long that they had taken cocaine out of soda or that cocaine was prescribed to treat morphine addiction I am of the assumption that the sedative that when added to Bill W.’s alcoholism made him hit bottom must have been some pretty strong stuff.

After Bill started mixing this stuff, he then lost weight and crazy as he had clearly been, this suddenly was the point where the people around him freaked out about his well being and even desperately started trying to get him to help.

I bet if I told the similar story in this meeting there would be rolling eyes and groans until finally somebody would rudely let me know that we only discuss alcohol at these meetings.

Dr. Bob’s mention was not as key to his story or demise, but it is still there in a clear way and is a pertinent part of his story:

During the next few years, I developed two distinct phobias. One was the fear of not sleeping, and the other was the fear of running out of liquor. Not being a man of means, I knew that if I did not stay sober enough to earn money, I would run out of liquor. Most of the time, therefore, I did not take the morning drink which I craved so badly, but instead would fill up on large doses of sedatives to quiet the jitters, which distressed me terribly. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 175 – 4^th Edition – Doctor Bob’s Nightmare)

Dr. Bob would use drugs to keep him going when he couldn’t drink. Drugs to keep him going until the liquor could begin flowing!

I pondered what response I would get from sharing a story like this from in front of this meeting. Probably some rolled eyes and angry groans, but I suppose it was not intense enough to give the volcanoes enough time to erupt into volcanic vomit all over me.

Well, that’s just two of the founding members and may be an anomaly (even though I just showed you that that lightening struck twice in each story of the two founding members). What if I told you this sort of thing was what the founding membership considered the norm of a person who was an alcoholic? What if I told you that this was so strongly considered a part of the definition of an alcoholic that they agreed to allow this to be written in the Alcoholics Anonymous book?

As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work. Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again. Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative with which to taper off. Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.

This is by no means a comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary. But this description should identify him roughly. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 22)

The general definition and description of what they considered to be an alcoholic included the fact that he/she was a person who probably goes to a doctor to get 1930’s doses of morphine or some crazy 1930’s sedative and THEN he/she will appear at hospitals and sanitariums.

This was at least a normal part of the description.

I couldn’t help but think that: “Well, that was a long time ago and the fellowship has changed until I reflected back to a story I recently read in the stories included in the current Forth Edition of the Alcoholics Anonymous book that can only lead me to believe the topic of drugs is not a forbidden subject in Alcoholics Anonymous:

I asked myself what I would do for a patient who felt this rotten. The answer came right back: I’d give him something to pep him up. So I immediately started taking and shooting pep pills. Eventually, I was taking forty-five milligrams of the long-acting Benzedrine and forty-five of the short acting just to get out of bed in the morning. I took more through the day to increase the high, and more to maintain it; when I overshot the mark, I’d take tranquilizers to level off. The pep pills affected my hearing at times: I couldn’t listen fast enough to hear what I was saying. I’d think, I wonder why I’m saying that again–I’ve already said it three times. Still I couldn’t turn my mouth off.

For the leveling of process, I just loved intravenous Demerol, but I found it hard to practice good medicine while shooting morphine. Following an injection, I would have to keep one hand busy scratching my constantly itching nose and would also have sudden uncontrollable urges to vomit. I never got much effect out of codeine and Percodan and the tranquilizers. However, for a period of time I was injecting Pentothal intravenously to put myself to sleep. That’s the stuff used when the oral surgeon puts the needle in your vein and says, “Count to ten,” and before you get to two, you’re asleep. Instant blackout was what it was, and it seemed delightful. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 410 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer)

I would put the needle in my vein and then try to figure out exactly how much medication to inject to overcome the pep pills while adding to the sleeping pills while ignoring the tranquilizers in order to get just enough to be able to pull out the needle, jerk the tourniquet, throw it in the car, slam the door shut, run down the hall, and fall in the bed before I fell asleep. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 410-411 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer)

Wow! I wonder if I stood at this same meeting, with the volcano-vomit ladies in the room and told this story (that is in the Alcoholics Anonymous book) as if it were my own, what their response would be.

My next words might be something like: “Who are all of those people with pitchforks and torches?”

There is a message in this story that many of us alcoholics (using the definition that the founding members used of alcoholic as found in the Alcoholics Anonymous book) need to hear. That message:

Today, I find that I can’t work my A.A. program while taking pills, nor may I even have them around for dire emergencies only. I can’t say, “Thy will be done,” and take a pill. I can’t say, “I’m powerless over alcohol, but solid alcohol is okay.” I can’t say, “God could restore my sanity, but until He does, I’ll control myself with pills. Giving up alcohol alone was not enough for me; I’ve had to give up all mood- and mind-affecting chemicals in order to stay sober and comfortable. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 411 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer)

I don’t go to meetings to go along with whatever the most recent volcano-vomiting has manipulated a group into believing or not believing, liking or disliking. There is a book for a reason. That is the basis of all of the information.

I am not saying that there should never be any closed meetings that only discuss alcohol. But, really? Are this many meetings really containing a majority of people who use alcohol only? In my discussions with people I have found that the majority of people (in my area) that are in Alcoholics Anonymous meeting use alcohol and some kind of drugs as well as alcohol. If you took those people out of the equation in my area, there would be no meetings to speak of because nobody would be meeting.

It’s this big, pink, dancing elephant in the rooms that we are told to ignore and never talk about. If you are able to ignore the big, pink, dancing elephant, something is really wrong with your ability to observe or something is not clicking on all cylinders with you.

The next part of the conversation that many of those reading this will want to start is the “Don’t they have other meetings for that stuff?” (I’m not sure, at least in my area, who the “they” are as the “they” seems to be the majority of the “us”?)

First off, everything Twelve Step is an attempt to interpret what is written in the Alcoholics Anonymous book to sound relevant to a person with some other particular problem. If this source document of all of the other Twelve Step programs covers all of the problems I suffer from and the meetings are supposed to be based on what is in this book, shouldn’t this be the meeting for me?

Now to my point: If the majority of the group is suffering from both drugs and alcohol addiction shouldn’t we discuss our problems as such? At least to the levels the founding members did in the Alcoholics Anonymous book as we read?

Isn’t what the man in the Acceptance Was The Answer story in the Alcoholics Anonymous book correct for most of us when he states: “I find that I can’t work my A.A. program while taking pills,” (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 411 – 4th Edition – Acceptance Was The Answer).

Just like how mixing drug use with alcohol use was bottom for founding member Bill W. and for much of what the founding membership called and alcoholic, mixing quitting drug use with quitting alcohol is probably the best road out.

Remember the passage I started with:

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 77)

As far as group conscience etc. the group conscience had to keep the idea that our real purpose (as individuals and as such as a group when we collect together) is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service.

What does that mean if we are voting to close a meeting so nobody can talk about drug use when most of the group uses both drugs and alcohol?

In this instance (and some other similar instances I have seen) all of this stems from one or two people who were made uncomfortable and rallying the troops behind himself/herself for the cause.

I would say that if a person only wants to be made comfortable and never wants to hear or encounter that which makes him/her uncomfortable in a meeting that person is completely missing the major target that we are aiming for in Twelve Step recovery. That person is ruled by the deepest part of our problem:

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

That is a person so interested in controlling the environment for his/her comfort that he/she is entirely willing to damage the recovery process of some segment of the group and future newcomers without a second thought. That person is only seeking to be of maximum service to himself/herself and is deeply rooted in the root of our problem.

The answer seems to be the title of the story that had all of the detailed drug references and it is something we all need to consider: “Acceptance Was The Answer!”

Let me just put it out there: THERE IS A HUGE, PINK, DANCING ELEPHANT IN OUR ROOM AND WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT OR LOTS OF PEOPLE WILL GET HURT!!! STOP COMPLAINING AND BE HELPFUL TO SOMEBODY!!!

Just a funny side note: There were two gentlemen that arrived late to this meeting who both turned out to be from a local recovery program and introduced themselves as being both alcoholics and addicts.

My Cheshire Cat grin and super villain nod in agreement were my moments of passive aggressive delight as I brushed the volcano-vomit off.

Stay Sober My Friends (from Alcohol and Drugs)

Wade H.

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Volcano-Vomit and Huge, Pink, Dancing Elephants in

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