When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 86)
In recovery circles, people often throw around the idea of living “one day at a time”. This passage is one of the descriptions of what you do one day at a time and hopefully at some point what you do all of the time. The passage is specifically describing Step 11 and is tied to Step 10, but is way more important than just that. Recovery is not about being able to check twelve boxes that indicate you have completed twelve magic steps and then living happily ever after. Recovery is a process of gaining much more than that:
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 58)
Recovery is not a matter of just doing a bunch of things; recovery is about “grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.” The things you do in recovery have been designed to guide you to that end.
Working the Steps is designed to help each of us understand and to develop a way of living your life and that way of living is centered on being brutally honest.
The passage we started with gives us a key example of some of the things we are to be brutally honest about and by being brutally honest about these things on a daily basis we are working on making this the way we live our lives.
According to that passage on page 86, we are learning to live a life:
free of being resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid
where whenever you have done any of these things or anything that may have hurt another person you apologize to them
where you are open and honest with others about even the deepest and darkest areas of your life and you cease to have those secret destructive areas in your life
where you are kind and loving towards all people
where you not only live positively, but you are always looking for how you can improve
where you no longer focus on how comfortable you are or are not and live a truly unselfish life
where you check on these things in the morning, in the evening and throughout each day to quickly catch when you are messing up in one of these areas and fix the problem immediately.
In other words: RECOVERY IS THE PROCESS OF CHANGE. THE AMOUNT OF RECOVERY YOU EXPERIENCE IS EQUAL TO THE AMOUNT OF POSITIVE CHANGING YOU DO. Areas in your life that you are not willing to change are areas in your life that are keeping you from recovery. UNWILLINGNESS TO CHANGE IS UNWILLINGNESS TO RECOVER. UNWILLINGNESS TO CHANGE IS A DETERMINATION TO STAY THE SAME. If you are determined to stay the same you can only expect the same results. If you stay the same, you will do the same and relapse is inevitable.
Change is an incredibly hard thing to do and few people have the desire to completely change the totality of how they think and act. Most people are willing to change a few particularly bad areas of their lives. Most people just want to change a few isolated areas and somehow live happily ever after somehow getting vastly different results while still living basically the same way they have been.
A key ingredient required for all of this is the “rigorous honesty” that is required for all of these things.
Not only do you need to be brutally honest with yourself about the all of these areas, but you need to regularly talk with others who are brutally honest with you. I don’t mean periodically either. That passage describes discussing these things with these people at once in an effort to gain their outside “rigorous honesty”.
A person who is incapable of this kind of rigorous honesty an particularly those incapable of being brutally honest with themselves are one of those unfortunates that will not experience recovery.
YOU CAN HAVE RECOVERY IF YOU CAN SEARCH FOR, FIND AND ACCEPT THE FACTS THEN DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO CHANGE ACCORDINGLY.
This describes one of the main struggles of recovery while at the same time describing the facts that are the hope for recovery. Recovery is change and change is hard yet can be achieved.
Think of how all of this is tied to “The Promises” you hear recited at many Twelve Step meetings:
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84)
The question is not: “Are these things possible?” The question is, are you willing to work for them. That means are you willing to be brutally honest and are you willing to be completely changed in the process?
Make this year, make each day, make each minute, make each interaction, make even each thought an experience of brutal honesty and an opportunity for significant change in your life. Live the new lifestyle “one day at a time” and one rigorously honest change at a time and have a rigorously honest, happy New Year.
We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 70)
This a segment from the part of the Alcoholics Anonymous book that describes the things that should have happened if you did your Fourth Step correctly. In other words if these things have not happened, you are absolutely not done with your Step Four and should not be trying to move on to Step Five. The change you were looking for has not happened. Or, should I say, the change the authors felt you needed t get sober have not happened.
Look at this passage describing one of the focuses of Step Five:
They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 73)
The implication of this passage is that one of the reasons that there is a Step Five is to help each person get rid of MORE egoism, get rid of MORE fear, and get more humble. This means that a big part of Step Four is to get humility, fearlessness and more honesty according to passage. Step Five merely takes you deeper.
Consider this passage from a page before we start actually reading about doing the Fourth Step:
Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
Selfishness and Self-centeredness! The archenemy of every alcoholic and addict is self focus. This is supposed to be addressed in Step Four directly. If you do not deal with the selfishness and self-centeredness then you stay the same. If you stay the same then you are the same and can expect the same results at some point. In other words: If your recovery does not change you deeply, then you have gone through recovery and come out the same. If you are the same you can expect to do the same at some point no matter how long you manage to put it off.
Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.’s Twelve Steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. Nearly all A.A.’s have found too, that unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety, they still haven’t much chance of becoming truly happy. (12 Steps and Twelve Traditions pg. 70)
The focus of Step Four and Step Five (and in reality of all of the Steps) is the attainment of humility. I know I have crossed this bridge a few times, but because it is such a key focus of all we do this topic has to be more of a bridge we cross over daily in our commute to our one day at a time recovery instead a bridge we pass over and never look back at again.
The obvious question that comes up when having this humility conversation is: “What about the people who are not humble who have sobriety time?” I say to that question: “Bring three of those people to your mind.” (I personally know a bunch) How do you like to be around those people for a long time? Honestly speaking, those people make me want to gag myself with a jackhammer.
Some are so miserable and angry about everything they encounter that I kinda have to resist the natural urge to avoid conversation with them. The kind of person who gets up to share and describes how jacked up life is and the world and on and on yet throwing in the but I’ve been sober “X” amount of years (and people clap and cheer etc.). Not to say that their recovery time is a bad thing. I’m also not talking about the fact that all of us have those days and periods of time. I’m describing the person who meeting after meeting, day after day, conversation after conversation and year after year has the same attitude and those same conversations.
I remember thinking to myself, when hearing guys like that over and over again; “If that is all there is to recovery, then I would rather keep using. If sober is that miserable and being miserable is my motivation for wanting to be sober I’m stuck choosing between sober and miserable and drunk/high and miserable.
This passage says that sober and miserable is not the goal at all and that gaining humility is the answer.
Another form of this being not “truly happy” because of not getting enough humility is seen in these people who cannot fell comfortable or good unless they are taking control of everything. They always know more or have to get a word in or have to declare constantly how great they are etc. Is not all of that truly the diametric opposition to humility. The most opposite you could possibly get to it.
If a person were this “truly happy” why would said person be so unhappy (or the disguise they use for this “uncomfortable”) when not in control? Translation: What kind of “truly happy” person needs to derive any kind of positive feeling from the manipulation of others.
I spoke on this previously so I will not go over this passage in detail but if you want to truly get a look at this kind of person look at pgs. 60, 61 and 62 in the Alcoholics Anonymous book. The passages that use the example of the actor who wants to run the show and thinks if everyone would just act the way he/she wants them to all would be fine.
This person is not “truly happy.” This person is sick (still sick) and manipulative.
I am not saying: “Ooooh, you evil person!” I’m saying there is a key obstacle that still has not been overcome that desperately needs to be (for your own good and the good of those around you).
Now back to what all of this has to do with the Fourth Step. What does killing your selfishness, self-centeredness and gaining more humility look like in Step Four?
Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)
The book asks you (as a resentment list) to write down everyone you have ever been angry at in your life.
In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 64)
Without going too far down this rabbit trail, you list angers because people generally do not know all of their resentments off of the top of their heads. Most people have five or so they can think of and that’s it. But, if you list every time you have been angry (even if the other person never knew) then you are likely to realize that many of those (if not most) are some level of resentment, some of which you try to hide from yourself.
So if done like this, you end up with a massive, itemized list of every person who has ever ticked you off throughout your whole life. Have you begun to “learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even your enemies” or have you just unearthed a whole lot of uneasy feelings, many of which you had neatly packed away to not think about. When do you start looking at them as “sick people” you have hurt by your conduct and become willing to straighten out the past?
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.” (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 66– 67)
First we look at them as people who are spiritually sick. Sick in ways that are much deeper than just being the messed up person who chose to tick me off. Two pages before, the authors use this same “spiritually sick” concept to describe the problem that has made us alcoholic/addicts and that made us hurt other people.
The question here is, “Could it be that these people are suffering from a similar inner sickness that you suffer from.” Is it possible that their real problem is that they need help that they may not even know they need like you and the rest of us recovery folks?
Then you are asking for tolerance, pity, and patience. The kind you show a sick person who accidently does something that you do not like because it is some symptom of their sickness. Like a friend who has a week to live who vomits on your clothes. What kind of person gets mad at that person and beats the terminally ill person up or cusses them out?
Next you are looking to be helpful to that person. Instead of being a part of the problem, you are looking to be a part of the solution. In other words; you are a sick person and this is a sick person. You are trying to get better and have some ideas now about what it takes to get better. You have encountered a person who is trapped in a similar sickness and you know how to point that person in the direction of getting better. You can choose to overcome the urge to retaliate and look for ways to truly be helpful (even if it’s just dropping a tidbit of information that person may not even consider for many years) or you can just jump on the crazy train with that person and fan the flames of craziness in that person’s world while restarting whatever fires have been put out in you.
The fire starters and the people who fan the flames of others are continuing down the path of selfishness and self-centeredness and away from the key focus of Twelve Step recovery: “The attainment of greater humility”.
Key to all of this is to seek freedom from the anger that normally rises. They did not say resentment, the authors stressed “anger”. Anger is really the feeling that there is this right to be angry which is really the spiteful desire to punish another person between your own ears in your head. You may spew some of your own crazy on that person or others (or you may not) but in reality in trying to beat them up inside your head, you are in truth only beating a hole in the rock that is on top of your neck.
That person did something to you: “How dare they hurt someone as important as you?” Forget the “sick” person part and the “how can I be helpful” to this person part. This person had the nerve to hurt ME!
Another fine definition of “selfishness and self-centeredness” which is the root of our troubles.
After listing every person who has ever angered you in your life, you need to go over this with each and every person on the list. You need to take this view of every person on the list and find an answer to the question: “How can I be helpful to him” or her?
Then comes the deep part: There is a test to see which ones you have been successful at making these changes on and the ones you haven’t so you can go back and work on those ones some more.
Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)
Now, you take this list of every person who has ever ticked you off ever and ignore that very fact completely. All you have right now is a list of what is wrong with everyone else in the world and you may or may not have included yourself a few times on this list. What did you do before or during whatever thing is listed to the listed person(s) that was in some way just not right? If nothing what did you do to this person that was not right after this thing occurred (instead of looking for “How can I be helpful to” this other sick person)?
Is it not true that if you were not helpful to this person you were probably hurtful?
The situation or the person may have required a calm discussion. It may have needed a firm but caring confrontation. It may have required the police be called and an abusive person arrested for their own potential growth and you to leave so that that person has opportunity to see that being abusive is not okay (even though he or she may never see it you focused on trying to be helpful instead of retaliation etc.) . It may mean telling parents, principles and proper authorities about being abused as a child to get that person proper help and to save other children from such abuse. (An abused child will not have done anything to the person as a child but often as adults abuse themselves with resentments. Those who were abused as children often also never even begin to think about how to be helpful to that person. This is a deep part of the resentment and the self-protection manifesting. That may mean demanding that person get help or you will expose them etc. An abused child is never to be blamed but as an adult we have to take on responsibility to be free and to be helpful).
This is a deep and often painful look at what is wrong with you and not everyone else. The “How can I be helpful to him” or her part is not just some cool psychobabble that the Twelve Step people invented. It is the end zone for this part of Step Four. It is the “attainment of greater humility” overcoming “Selfishness and self-centeredness” part. If you don’t get this change, you are the same except now you have an itemized list of everything and everyone that ever worked your nerves.
Or you might even be worse; you may be one of these people who has like three or four people listed and ramble on and on about not having resentments only to either relapse or to white-knuckle struggle your way through some abstinence while selfishness and self-centeredness keeps you never able to enjoy the world for what it is.
If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg 70)
This is a lot of work and a tremendous amount of stress. Well one would expect there to be a tremendous amount of work and a tremendous amount of stress in the process of getting a tremendous amount of freedom.
A person chained up in a cage can get free from the chains and become free to roam within the cage and some can even get to roam around the whole prison which are levels of freedom but are not truly free. We want true freedom and it is possible.
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 65– 66)
Wade H. Recovery Net 