For those of us who struggle with alcoholism and addictions of all kinds, we must accept that many of these emotions and activities are the luxuries of people who are not like us.
“The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear”
Pandemics, natural disasters, international and national political strife all around us, more and more reasons to hate and harbor anger against someone and possibly for some of us to hate ourselves. The world is being drowned in all these things and many other things that any outsider looking in would classify as unhealthy and destructive.
For those of us who struggle with alcoholism and addictions of all kinds, we must accept that many of these emotions and activities are the luxuries of people who are not like us. The world around us seems to be pressuring each one of us to pick one side or the other in circumstance after circumstance and raise our fists in anger against some opponent they have chosen. In effect, vomiting their resentments, frustrations, angers, fears, jealousies and envies all over us and then forcefully trying to convince us to drink it!
As alcoholics and addicts of all kinds, these are our “GREATEST ENEMIES.” While someone may have good intentions while they are vomiting their crazy all over you, it is your responsibility to recognize that for you specifically this is not just average everyday vomit, this is particularly poisonous for you.
Your “GREATEST ENEMIES” are:
Resentment
Jealousy
Envy
Frustration
Fear
These are not some gift that someone is passing on to you, these are defects of character that we are working steps to remove. Whatever your perception of evil is, that evil is working overtime to cram these destructive ideas, emotions and lifestyles down your throat. It seems appropriate to start with Resentment.
“Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.”
Imagine someone who has been undergoing treatment for cancer and finally finds him or herself in remission. Grateful and free that person leaves the hospital with a new lease on life. Then some friends of that person come along and say, “Hey! You should get that cancer back. If those doctors have been telling you that you shouldn’t want you to have cancer, they are lying to you.”
Maybe these friends are not successful right away, but they keep having this conversation with you and more and more people that agree with them start pressuring you in the same direction. Even the news you are watching is nudging you in the direction of resentment and anger powered by a little fear.
Using the cancer as a metaphor may seem like a bit strong of an example but is it really? If you are working on finding freedom from alcoholism or addiction and someone is pressuring you with the one thing that “destroys” more people like us than anything else are they not trying to poison you and send you back to the exact thing that was killing you.
What about the fear that is often used by these same people to influence you? They tell you that you are on the wrong side of with your thinking and should be on the other side of thought or some terrible evil will be unleashed. You are going to look like a fool. Impressing upon you how you are going to cause destruction and mayhem to yourself and others if you do not take on their fears, resentments, frustrations, jealousies and envies.
What does the “Big Book” have to say about fear?
“This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve.”
This “evil and corroding thread” that the world around you is forcing you to swallow is corrosive to you, your recovery, your relationships and the world around you. It is a seed of misery that is a pandemic of its own.
Are you ready to “outgrow fear” (see pg 68) or are you under the mistaken idea that fear is a playground that a person seeking recovery is safe to play in?
I am not saying that “fear” in the sense of an emotion that informs you as to when you should use caution is bad and a person should learn to live without it altogether.
What I am saying is that fear leading to resentment, frustration, jealousy, envy or other activities and emotions destructive to your life or recovery is to be avoided at all costs and not accepted as a gift from those around.
The bottom line is that this is a period in history where there is a lot to be afraid of and a lot of people to mad at (some of them rightfully). We have to remember that every idea someone vomits upon is not worth dying for, and many of these issues might kill you or at least your recovery. Their motives might be pure or evil and this may or may not be destructive to them, but that is not the issue. These things are dangerous for you and to be avoided at all costs.
“Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol”
We should all consider not allowing ourselves to be forced into aligning with other people’s emotions and views at our own risk to be one of those lengths.
That gift you receive of seemingly righteous and justified anger may just turn out to be the poison that you drink repeatedly expecting other people to die. The stress and destructive emotions of the world around are contagious, but you are not obligated to catch them.
I do not hold with those who believe that alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I have had many men who had, for example, worked a period of months on some problem or business deal which was to be settled on a certain date, favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date, and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. xxix – xxx [4th Edition “The Doctor’s Opinion”])
This is a very interesting concept that must be considered by all of us in recovery, all of us who work with others in recovery and all of us who are around alcoholics and addicts.
There is a common idea that is often verbalized that people who are alcoholics/addicts are basically people who do not have the willpower or are not focused enough to use their willpower to stop using. Amongst many of us that are working recovery many of us focus on the idea that I have to just decide not to use and if I am about to use I just need to decide harder.
I am not saying there is not some truth to this, but I also think there is more to it. It does strike me strange that so many people think that that is where a person is going in recovery when it is also where most of us start in recovery. For example most recovery programs require you to use your willpower to stay sober while in the program yet they also assume you still need the program in spite of the fact that you are “willpowering” sobriety from the start.
It seems ironic that so many people decide that the very things that were the bare minimum to start recovery are to become the finish line and magic cure also.
The real problem is that quite a few of us have enough willpower to abstain for periods of time, yet periodically, without warning we relapse. Some of us have a knack for waiting til the worst moment imaginable to relapse.
He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 21)
People think it must be a stupid person or a person who should just be put away in a padded room somewhere that cannot willpower himself/herself sober. That goes double for a person that is doing great on his/her willpower then suddenly at the worst possible moment relapses. Take a glimpse of how this was worded in the 1930s:
How many times people have said to us: “I can take it or leave it alone. Why can’t he?” “Why don’t you drink like a gentleman or quit?” “That fellow can’t handle his liquor.” “Why don’t you try beer and wine?” “Lay off the hard stuff.” “His will power must be weak.” “He could stop if he wanted to.” “She’s such a sweet girl, I should think he’d stop for her sake.” “The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again.”
Now these are commonplace observations on drinkers which we hear all the time. Back of them is a world of ignorance and misunderstanding. We see that these expressions refer to people whose reactions are very different from ours. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 20)
These statements contain some truth, and most of us who have lived through the worst levels of alcoholism/addiction have had to admit at times we have been stupid and probably should have been in a padded room for our own protection.
The truth is that we are not stupid (although there is probably a good case for temporary insanity) and there is hope outside of a padded room. The problem is that that hope cannot lie solely in our ability to use willpower or whatever abstinence we do get will break down sometimes at the worst possible moment.
Willpower cannot be the solution because there are parts of your mind that fight for that one more buzz or high while other parts of your mind are mortified by the idea. There are things going on in your body that make you want to use sometimes desperately. There is obviously more to all of this than just changing your pattern of thinking and using willpower more. We have to change whatever causes us to think the things we think and to act the ways we act. There has to be some kind of change at the core of our being that leads to changes in why we think what we think which means it causes change in what we think.
The doctor said: “You have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never seen one single case recover, where that state of mind existed to the extent that it does in you.” Our friend felt as though the gates of hell had closed on him with a clang.
He said to the doctor, “Is there no exception?”
“Yes,” replied the doctor, “there is. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times. Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 27)
The ideas, emotions, and attitudes which have been the guiding forces of our lives have to be cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives has to dominate us. IF WE ARE NOT CHANGED WE ARE THE SAME AND CAN EXPECT THE SAME RESULTS! The alcoholic/addict who is still the same but is using willpower to remain abstinent has not found the answer. That is a person who is just making the first baby-steps towards beginning the process. Abstaining by willpower is not the end zone. Abstaining by willpower is more like getting dressed to get on the field and hopefully, get in the game.
This change has to be a massage change of everything about the person from the deepest level’s of his/her being. This is the measure of this “vital spiritual experience” that Dr. Jung is talking about in this discussion.
Recovery cannot be measured by how sober you are: YOU CAN RELAPSE AT ANY MINUTE AND HOW SOBER YOU WERE THE MINUTE BEFORE WILL NO LONGER MATTER! How deep you are changed and how changed you are is a better measure.
There is more to the process and a lot more detail to getting to the depth of change we have been describing here. The main point is that just using mind control to force yourself to do something that your mind has probably failed miserably at on previous occasions is absolutely not the solution to your problem of alcoholism/addiction. We are talking about a completely new way of living that includes abstaining from alcohol and drugs as a byproduct of the change:
I have since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 42– 43)
I beg of you, if you are seeking recovery seek more than just abstaining by willpower.
We told him what we knew about alcoholism. He was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms, but he was a long way from admitting that he could do nothing about it himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 39– 40)
This passage is an excellent description of the mindset that misleads many people in recovery. There is this crazy idea that the memory of the problems that using has caused in the past and attaining a whole lot of information about using, recovery and myself will keep me sober.
There are some people who use heavily who can think themselves sober and in reality, there are some people who are pretty messed up from using that don’t need to learn, think or any of that; this (small) group of addicts/alcoholics just decides to stop and never uses again. The problem is that many of us in recovery (more like most of us) are not in either of those categories and need to come to terms with that before we can even consider ourselves having started recovery.
Thinking and learning in and of themselves are not enough for most of us to remain abstinent (although they are important parts of the process).
Look at the conclusion to the story we started with:
“As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come – I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 41– 42)
There are moments when your body and some parts of your mind will have such a desire to use that the parts of your mind that you would like to use to force yourself to stop will not be strong enough to overpower the desire. One desire within your self will be trying to resist a desire that is in your body and mind and that is often also driven by your social and spiritual health (or lack thereof). Recovery has to be approached from all four of these areas to have any hope or to even be considered recovery. The authors of the Alcoholics Anonymous book (the authors of the Twelve Steps) knew this to be true:
We have concluded to publish an anonymous volume setting forth the problem as we see it. We shall bring to the task our combined experience and knowledge. This should suggest a useful program for anyone concerned with a drinking problem.
Of necessity there will have to be discussion of matters medical, psychiatric, social, and religious. We are aware that these matters are, from their very nature, controversial. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 19)
There is hope for those of us who are at the most desperate levels of alcoholism/addiction. This hope relies on us not getting sucked into the flawed idea that “information is what will keep me sober.” INFORMATION WILL NOT BE ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU SOBER!!! Information is just one of the tools that is supposed to help get you to what will keep you sober. Look at the information that the early A.A.’s gave to the man in the story we started with when he relapsed:
“Then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully. Though I had been only a nominal churchman, their proposals were not, intellectually, hard to swallow. But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be.
“Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. I have since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could.” (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 42– 43)
The solution is described here as “a way of living” that is more satisfying than anything before. The hope of recovery rests in finding a completely new way of living. A new basis of life that will result in changes in the way you think and why you have those thoughts, changes in what feelings you have and why, all of this leading to changes in what you do. In other words: RECOVERY IS ABOUT ENDING UP BEING A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON THAN WHO YOU WERE WHEN YOU STARTED. IF YOU ARE NOT CHANGED, YOU ARE THE SAME AND WILL GET THE SAME RUSULTS.
If you do not plan on being changed completely, then you do not plan on getting recovery. If you do not aim towards a new way of living that is infinitely more satisfying than any way of living you have had before you have decided to stay with the same way of living and have decided to continue to live the life of an alcoholic/addict.
I beg you to move beyond knowledge to the desperate desire to be a completely different person, because that is where your hope lies.
So we shall describe some of the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking, for obviously this is the crux of the problem. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 35)
This is one of the most key statements in the Alcoholics Anonymous book. To even begin to look at this statement, we have to look at the word “crux” in a bit of detail. According to merriam-webster.com the word “crux” is defined as:
1: a puzzling or difficult problem : an unsolved question
2: an essential point requiring resolution or resolving an outcome <the crux of the problem>
3: a main or central feature (as of an argument)
Notice that the exact words used in the Alcoholics Anonymous passage are used in #2 as an example. So to be the “crux” of the problem means that “the mental state that precedes a relapse” is “an essential point requiring resolution”. To be the “crux” this mental state is also a “main or central feature” of the problem as well as being a “puzzling or difficult” problem in and of itself.
Something that I find interesting about this statement is that it needs to be stated at all. It seems perfectly obvious, but it is put out there as if it is a huge change of mindset for many in recovery. In fact, it often seems to be such a huge change of mindset.
The idea here is that the big problem in a relapse is not the relapse itself, the big problem is what was going on in your mind at the time you were sober and trying not to use that makes you or allows you to use when you should be able to soberly stop yourself.
If a person keeps being barely saved from having consumed poison is the real problem poison in that person’s system or that the person repeatedly makes a conscious decision to take in poison. In this example, isn’t just saving the person from the effects of the poison just a Band-Aid put on a symptom but doing little to solve the real problem (since the person has a history of just taking in the poison again).
In the same way, isn’t focusing on abstaining from alcohol and drug use and simply fixing the stuff you have done in the past while using drugs or alcohol just a Band-Aid on a much bigger problem. Isn’t the real “essential point requiring resolution or resolving” what is going on in your mind when wanting to remain sober and while still abstinent that makes you suddenly do the thing that you most want to not do and know has the potential to be the most destructive force in your world.
In other words, what kind of fool is surprised by anything a person is capable of after he/she is drunk/high? After a person has chemically distorted his/her thinking it would seem logical to assume that his/her actions would also be twisted or distorted. If a person desperately does not want twisted or distorted actions that result from this twisted or distorted thinking why do the one thing most likely to case all of that. That is the real problem not the twisted thinking and actions that happen after you take something that you know will cause twisted/distorted thinking.
All of that being said, what is going on in our heads before a relapse? If you interpret the information found in the Alcoholics Anonymous book there are two categories described:
Thoughts that we are not supposed to be having that we repeatedly have
Thoughts that we should be having that we sometimes don’t have
The first one, “thoughts that we are not supposed to be having that we repeatedly have” is described best in the like this:
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 30)
In other words there is this weird idea in the back of our minds that there will be a way to use or to be intoxicated that will somehow not count as a relapse. There is some magic formula that will allow me to take some magic “feel good” stuff while not having any negative consequences.
This is the idea behind sentences that begin with things like: “This does not really count because…” or “Well, this is not the same because…” or “My problem is _______ not ______ so…” and on and on. There are also ideas such as: “Well, since I have been sober ______ amount of time, I should be fine if I use a little now” or “Well, it’s a special occasion so a little won’t hurt” etc.
Just speaking from a logical perspective, it’s not only the fact that you could destroy yourself (again) that is the problem. The real question is, why would you take the risk? If there is even chance that you might destroy yourself or your life, what is so valuable in relapse that the risk is worthwhile.
In the most extreme cases, we are talking about a person who has lost everything to using and had no hope. Then this person rebuilds his/her life through a process of abstinence and some painful work in recovery. This person gets a deep understanding that using means possibly losing everything again and possibly even more this time. Then in a moment the person decides: “This time it’s okay because…” Then no matter how much the person should see that the risk of loss is far greater than whatever it is that’s gained the person still thinks it will be okay. Even to the point of having some unlikely reason as to why it will be okay. “This time is different because…”
This is (especially from an outsider’s perspective) an unreasonable train of thought. It is thinking something that makes no sense and that should probably not be though. This is “the great obsession” that sucks us in like a black hole. According to merriam-webster.com the word “obsession” is defined as:
: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly: compelling motivation <an obsession with profits>
So this “great obsession” is a persistent, disturbing preoccupation with the unreasonable idea or feeling that it is somehow there is a safe way to use.
Let’s be clear: There is no such thing as kinda using or kinda sober or kinda abstinent. You are either abstaining or not. You are either using or you are not. “Just a little” does count. Whatever you use may not be exactly the same as before, but you are either using or you are not. If you are seeking sobriety, any using at all is the enemy, no matter what reason or excuse you have.
The problem is that PRIOR TO USING our brain has a section that keeps trying to convince us that there is a reason or a way to make using not count. That little voice in our heads and in our hearts is this “Great Obsession.”
The Second one “thoughts that we are not supposed to be having that we repeatedly have” is best described in these passages:
But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 37)
These moments in time where a person cannot seem to muster up any serious or effective thought of what the terrific consequences might be have a name:
They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 42)
They are called “Strange Mental Blank Spots.” They happen “during the period of premeditation” which means that this phenomenon also happens prior to using.
But, let’s slow down and look at this concept. In spite of all of the information and advice a person might get on various things a person should do to remain abstinent or sober most people ignore all of that and use one very simple method: Whenever a craving or temptation arises the person forces him/herself to think of all of the reasons he/she should not use and that consciousness of what could be lost and pain might be caused will be enough to repel the person.
The trick that gets people obsessed with this method of remaining abstinent is that it will work much of the time for a majority of us in recovery. The fact it works most of the time convinces us that it works all of the time.
A person using this defense who relapses often comes up with some reason why he/she relapsed and then convinces himself/herself that the same defense system should be put up.
Think of an ancient city that was protected by a large wall. When most armies would come to attack it they would not be able to get around the wall. But there was this one army that would come once in a while and somehow could just cut a hole in the wall, march right in and start killing and destroying.
If the government of that ancient city kept rebuilding the wall exactly the same way, because it worked most of the time, wouldn’t they be fools. The fact it worked most of the time did not make it good defense system if once in a while it would fail completely.
This is the idea of the “Strange Mental Blank Spots.” If your only defense is to force yourself to think of reasons not to use at moments when some part of you desperately wants to use you will have success sometimes, but at other times you will feel like you had no defense system at all.
Now lets relook that passage that describes the “Strange Mental Blank Spots”:
They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 42)
There are moments where the urge to relapse is so strong that you will not be able to force yourself to think about consequences, losses, pains, etc. at all. If this is your only defense system you will be doomed in those moments.
So, what we have discussed so far is that a serious alcoholic/addict has a hidden obsession (often hidden from himself/herself) with the idea that there will be a magic way of getting intoxicated without any consequences. Then, with the ability to lie to yourself about there being any consequences there come strange phenomenon of not being able to force yourself to consider the consequences (the ones you are trying to convince yourself are not there). Once you convince yourself of the first lie and then stop fighting the lie with the second; YOU ARE DOOMED TO RELAPSE!
So the “crux” of the problem or “the mental state that precedes a relapse” and that is “an essential point requiring resolution” are described as “The Great Obsession” and these “Strange Mental Blank Spots.”
The real problem is even simpler than “the mental state that precedes a relapse.” The real problem is that you cannot trust your own brain or thoughts before you relapse to stop you from relapsing. If you cannot trust your own brain and your own thoughts then your defense system cannot be based on what you can think or force yourself to think. Recovery must be more than forcing yourself to think a few things or it will fail.
This is a big part of what it is to be POWERLESS. In other words, this is a huge part of what you must understand to truly work Step 1.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 59)
Drug addict on Novokuznetskaya Metro Station in Moscow (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Trembling, I stepped from the hospital a broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of that first drink, and on Armistice Day 1934, I was off again. Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere, or would stumble along to a miserable end. How dark it is before the dawn! In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 8)
Some time later, and just as he thought he was getting control of his liquor situation, he went on a roaring bender. For him, this was the spree that ended all sprees. He saw that he would have to face his problems squarely that God might give him mastery.
One morning he took the bull by the horns and set out to tell those he feared what his trouble had been. He found himself surprisingly well received, and learned that many knew of his drinking. Stepping into his car, he made the rounds of people he had hurt. He trembled as he went about, for this might mean ruin, particularly to a person in his line of business.
At midnight he came home exhausted, but very happy. He has not had a drink since. As we shall see, he now means a great deal to his community, and the major liabilities of thirty years of hard drinking have been repaired in four. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 155 – 156)
These tidbits of recovery stories are from the story of Bill W. and Dr. Bob (founding members of Alcoholics Anonymous and the Twelve Steps) respectively. The point here is that a relapse in recovery is not a death sentence (not necessarily a death sentence, there are people who relapse and die).
I am not a fan of the idea that relapse is a part of recovery, because although the point is not to say that everyone has to relapse to recover, that is what most people hear. In other words, the idea that relapse is a part of recovery can be used as an opportunistic excuse to destroy your own recovery.
On the other hand, I think that there are cases (as the examples of Bill W. and Dr. Bob demonstrate) where a relapse clarifies how desperate and powerless you really are and forces a person to desperately seek recovery in way that was otherwise impossible. In other words the relapse forces the person to work recovery with enough seriousness for it to finally work.
That is not to say that you should relapse to make your recovery work better; that is like telling a suicidal person to shoot himself in the head to get over being suicidal. But a person who almost kills himself/herself and survives sometimes might finally realize how serious the problem is and desperately seek help.
Some of us have relapsed since starting recovery and a few of us may have just relapsed and be in the process of considering what to do now. Well, the relapse is a terrible stumble and fall in recovery, but that does not mean you have to lie there until you die. In the second example above, Dr. Bob was going through a bunch of recovery stuff and getting it. He felt better and was remaining sober, but then had a terrible relapse.
The key is what he did next: He finally “saw that he would have to face his problems squarely.” Dr. Bob had decided that he had to face a part of recovery that he had refused to do prior to this:
When our friend related his experience, the man agreed that no amount of will power he might muster could stop his drinking for long. A spiritual experience, he conceded, was absolutely necessary, but the price seemed high upon the basis suggested. He told how he lived in constant worry about those who might find out about his alcoholism. He had, of course, the familiar alcoholic obsession that few knew of his drinking. Why, he argued, should he lose the remainder of his business, only to bring still more suffering to his family by foolishly admitting his plight to people from whom he made his livelihood? He would do anything, he said, but that. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 155)
Dr. Bob was willing to do anything at all in recovery except for what is now known as Steps 8 and 9 which deal with making amends. Dr. Bob had gotten stuck on Step 8; he was not willing to make amends to them all.
Due to his relapse he suddenly realized that the pain of continuing to use until his world was completely annihilated was far greater than the pain he faced from making amends. He finally became desperate enough to do anything to get sobriety even though that is the idea we are supposed to be going into recovery with.
Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 76)
This passage (which is actually discussing Steps 8 & 9) reminds us that we start recovery with the idea that I am willing to do anything to get better. The idea that “I am desperate and do not have the power to stop myself and am desperate enough t do anything to get better.” This is the starting point of recovery.
If you do not start with this mindset, you are in deep trouble from the beginning. Recovery is going to require that you face and do things that are terribly uncomfortable. Some of these things both your conscious and unconscious mind are constantly trying to keep you from facing in any way. If you are not desperate, when the time comes to face these things you avoid these things and in actuality we often desperately run from these things at all costs.
If you start with this desperation mindset, there is a point for each of us where we reach something that seems to be too much to ask. This is really a test of the desperation that is the fuel that powers your recovery work. Some of us run from recovery at this point, some of us hide it and pretend (ex: Pretend to have listed all the people I need to make amends to, but leave off the ones I don’t want to do or lie and say I made an amends I did not really make etc.), some of us get stuck in some way or other.
A relapse can be a wakeup call to you. YOU CANNOT CUT CORNERS IN RECOVERY FOR ANY REASON.
Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 79)
If you have relapsed, let it be a reality check and do whatever it takes to get better no matter what.
My father used to always tell me that there are two ways people learn:
People learn from their own mistakes
People learn from the mistakes of others
If you are in recovery and have not relapsed, think of how many people (some stronger than you) thinking the same things you are thinking right now have relapsed. Consider those people and let their example help you understand your own desperation so that that can be the fuel to face the uncomfortable and sometimes painful process of recovery as if your very life depends upon it working. The truth is that your very life does depend upon it working.
Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one-half years of abstinence. It was almost always with me. But at no time have I been anywhere near yielding. I used to get terribly upset when I saw my friends drink and knew I could not, but I schooled myself to believe that though I once had the same privilege, I had abused it so frightfully that it was withdrawn. So it doesn’t behoove me to squawk about it for, after all, nobody ever had to throw me down and pour liquor down my throat. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 181)
Things you can't do at the Scenic Overlook (Photo credit: maveric2003)
Crazy Talk, The Great Obsession
Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one-half years of abstinence. It was almost always with me. But at no time have I been anywhere near yielding. I used to get terribly upset when I saw my friends drink and knew I could not, but I schooled myself to believe that though I once had the same privilege, I had abused it so frightfully that it was withdrawn. So it doesn’t behoove me to squawk about it for, after all, nobody ever had to throw me down and pour liquor down my throat. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 181)
For some of us who are in recovery this rings very true to each one of us. For others of us who suffer with these kinds of cravings, we are not familiar with the idea because our cravings are disguised as what we believe to be logical thoughts.
In other words some of us are having deep cravings to relapse but we keep telling ourselves that the “crazy-talk” going on inside our head is really sensible reasoning. Thoughts like:
“That person uses and seems to be doing fine, I just need to use like them.”
“If I change to _______ it is not what I normally use so it doesn’t count.”
“I cannot handle life like this; I just need a little to mellow out.”
“I cannot handle life like this; I just need a little to help me focus.”
These and similar thoughts are the proverbial “devil on your shoulder” trying to talk you into self destructive craziness. Anytime we find ourselves listening to that voice or pondering what it has to say, you are well into the kind of cravings we are describing here.
For some of those around us, we may even seem to be more fun or somehow better when using. These people may even try to help us find reasons or ways that we can use safely. They become (whether knowingly or unknowingly) the voice of the devil on our shoulder. Look at this passage:
He enjoys drinking. It stirs his imagination. His friends feel closer over a highball. Perhaps you enjoy drinking with him yourself when he doesn’t go too far. You have passed happy evenings together chatting and drinking before your fire. Perhaps you both like parties which would be dull without liquor. We have enjoyed such evenings ourselves; we had a good time. We know all about liquor as a social lubricant. Some, but not all of us, think it has its advantages when reasonably used. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 110)
The fact is, if you find yourself in recovery, in jail, in a hospital due to your using, being told by recovery or psychological professionals that you have an alcohol/drug problem, you have legal, social or family problems that others tell you are because of your using etc. you can never safely use.
All of the ways we looked at before that disguise the craving or if you are just fighting an obvious craving, the focal point is should not be what the reasons, reasoning or feelings are to use. The focal point is one question: Can I ever use safely?
Let’s focus on the idea of comparing ourselves to other people that use and seem to still function reasonably or who in some cases seem to function perfectly. There are many reasons a person could give why this may just be appearances or that these people are only functional in some ways etc., but these arguments have little to do with the real point that is being missed. It doesn’t matter if that person is the smartest rocket scientist on the planet who smokes crack for breakfast, drinks moonshine for lunch, shoots heroin for dinner and is a tenured university professor in the evenings while smoking methamphetamines during class breaks. That is them! The point is you are not that person.
This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 30)
All of this is tied to Step 1 of any Twelve Step program:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 59)
Part of recognizing that you are powerless is the idea that you are not like that person or any other person: YOU ARE YOU! EITHER IT IS SAFE FOR YOU TO USE OR IT IS NOT! No matter what you see others doing, no matter what ideas you can come up with that make this time or this way different, no matter what someone else is telling you makes it safe for you; EITHER IT IS SAFE FOR YOU TO USE OR IT IS NOT!
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 31)
Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 30– 31)
All of us at this level of using have a problem: WE ARE DRAWN TO BEING INTOXICATED. We have a particular way of getting there and type of “high” that we prefer (A.K.A. our drug of choice) but our true love is the “high”. There are different reasons, and different preferences, but we have one thing in common: the deep, compulsive desire to be intoxicated.
Whenever we give in and use something that can get us intoxicated we are in terrible trouble. No matter what the reason, no matter who else can do what with no problem, no matter if it is your preferred “high” or not, no matter if it is strong as what you usually drink/use and on and on. In recovery a key rule to remember is: YOU ARE EITHER SOBER OR YOU ARE NOT! There is no “kinda sober” or “partially sober” or “almost sober”: EITHER YOU ARE OR YOU ARE NOT SOBER.
If you are at the more advanced levels of alcoholism/addiction then any time that you are under the assumption that you can control your desperate desire to be intoxicated you are convincing yourself of a lie. That is a complete breakdown of Step One in your recovery.
In the original Twelve Step materials (the Alcoholics Anonymous book) the authors described this as “The Great Obsession”:
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 30)
This terminology is a great description. The word obsession is defined at Dictionary.com in these ways (Obsession @ Dictionay.com):
the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.
psychiatry – a persistent idea or impulse that continually forces its way into consciousness, often associated with anxiety and mental illness
Compulsive preoccupation with an idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.
The big persistent idea that continually forces itself into your consciousness and dominates your thoughts is the ridiculous illusion that there will be some way to use that will somehow not be destructive to you.
I had some discussions today about things like drinking when that is not your “drug of choice” and how smoking marijuana is not destructive like other intoxicating substances so it should not count (“after all you don’t hear about people killing people on marijuana…”). It is not the various arguments that are the sign of a problem or the truth/lack of truth of the arguments that is the problem: it is the fact that a person in recovery is having to try to justify some reason for getting high that is the evidence of a problem. If it really wasn’t a problem then first off you would not be in recovery, discussing recovery, etc. Second if these things were really a problem than the obvious thing to do, considering that several people who call themselves experts say it might be a huge risk, if you could really take whatever or leave it would be to leave it all alone just because it is too much risk with too little to gain. (Yet many of us can find the small group of people and experts who have some theory that you can somehow use safely and we run to that with desperation and a sense of relief – another sign of a problem).
I love the arguments for marijuana. The question I always ask is what would you do if all the marijuana you smoked had no THC and did not get you intoxicated at all. Most people hate that idea at the core of their pot smoking beings. The real reason almost all people use marijuana is to get a high. If you are an alcoholic/addict in recovery then that is the worst possible scenario. Picture a recovery program with classes all day and group sessions at night and all of the people there are drunk and high. It might be quite entertaining, but probably not really productive.
The real problem here is not if some people can drink/use safely, the real question is if you can drink/use safely. If you are in recovery the answer is NO! The point is to stop using and you want part of your recovery to be using. You can’t love Mary-Jane, Capt. Morgan, and recovery at the same time.
If other people can use safely then that’s good for them; YOU AIN’T THEM! It’s you that cannot use safely. Even the need to argue about what you can use and not use is a part of the craving and the insanity that we all need to be free of.
But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 39)
The idea that you will be unable to stop using by gaining information alone is a very important point that must not be ignored. It is amazing how many people are interested in learning themselves sober.
Information (Photo credit: heathbrandon)
Don’t get me wrong, I obviously think that learning alcoholism/addiction information and recovery information have an important role in the recovery process, but I am not under the misconception that if a person gets enough information that the fact they have enough information will magically keep that person sober.
This is one of the grave errors that many of us in recovery and many of us trying to help others through recovery often make. We assume that somehow the right amount of information will keep you sober, it is just a matter of getting you to swallow enough data.
My brother-in-law is a physician, and through his kindness and that of my mother I was placed in a nationally-known hospital for the mental and physical rehabilitation of alcoholics. Under the so-called belladonna treatment my brain cleared. Hydrotherapy and mild exercise helped much. Best of all, I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally.
It relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though it often remains strong in other respects. My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained. Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three for four months the goose hung high. I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer – self-knowledge.
But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more. The curve of my declining moral and bodily health fell off like a ski-jump. After a time I returned to the hospital. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 7)
This man (Bill W.) understood himself and why he did what he did. That knowledge made him feel like he had struck recovery gold. He was filled with information about alcoholism/addiction but was not able to abstain from using for long even with that information. He actually felt worse after relapsing with all of that information than he did without the information.
Here is the truth:
INFORMATION WILL NOT KEEP YOU SOBER!!!
My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 13)
Notice the words “way of living”. The information does nothing unless you end up with a new way of living. How good or useful the information is to you can be measured by how much the information creates positive change in you. If the information does not create change in you it is merely occupying space between your ears. In one story the result is described this way:
I have since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 42-43)
This is the objective: A new way of living more useful and more satisfying that the one you had before, no matter what your old life looked like. Information is simply one of several tools used to get you there, but the attainment of information is not the destination.
Your goal in recovery is to be a different person than you have been, so you will do different things than you have been so you can end up getting different results than you have been. If you stay the same, you will do the same and get the same or worse results.
How much you know does not necessarily come into play. For example there are people who are highly educated, well educated in recovery information, who have been in and out of programs of all kinds who are somewhere getting lit at the same time as you are reading this. There are also people dumb as stumps that getting the same kind of high at the very same moment (possibly they are together). I suppose one is smarter about doing something incredibly stupid and one is stupidly doing something stupid, but they are both doing exactly the same stupid act: Destroying their own lives. The amount of information retained has not even come into play, nor has the lack of information. They are simply to people who are intoxicated or drunk or high or “on one” or whatever.
I obviously think information is a great help to those of us working through recovery and to those around us. The key is that I feel it is only helpful if you can use the information to help you change.
I suppose a great method to use whenever you take in any recovery information is to ask yourself what I should change about myself or do differently because of what you learned. If you are serious about these changes, you ought to write each one of these things to change about you down and really work on changing these things. You might also get others to help you with each thing you think you should change. And remember:
EITHER YOU ARE CHANGING OR YOU ARE STAYING THE SAME!
For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 34)
This seems like it should be obvious, but too many of those in recovery to totally believe in this concept may be more elusive than anyone could imagine. The problem is a certain aspect of our alcoholism/addiction that often leads to thoughts like this:
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 30)
Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 23)
This “Great Obsession” is insane idea that you can use safely in spite of the enormous amount of evidence that clearly shows that this is not true. It is probably the most persistent and destructive lie that many of us tell ourselves.
From the heavy alcoholics who thinks it is okay to drink a little light beer (in other words relapse) to the person who abuses a heavy substance who decides to remain sober but smokes marijuana because it’s not his/her drug of choice.
Whatever the reason that you may come up with; if you are at the higher levels of using there is no such thing as safely using a small amount etc. The only choices are: sober or not sober. THERE IS NO KINDA SOBER!!!! You either are sober or you are not.
This Great Obsession is an idea that comes up over and over again that tries to convince you that you can use safely.
It’s as crazy as regularly having a feeling that makes you want to hit yourself in the face with a baseball bat. You know it will hurt, you know it could kill you, you may even know it is an incredibly stupid thought to even have, yet you repeatedly find yourself in the hospital trying to recover from injuries sustained from a self-inflicted bludgeoning. You even remember the pain and agony of the last time you did this, the pain of the reconstructive surgeries and some of the permanent issues you have from previous attempts at this.
The real moment of truth is found in the thoughts you have right before you do such a crazy thing. In this example the thoughts might sound like:
“This is not the same thing. Last time I hit myself with an aluminum bat, so this time I will use a wooden bat. Wood is softer than aluminum and the bats even break on baseballs sometimes.”
“Last time I held the very bottom of the bat, so this time I will move my grip up just a little so the hit is not as hard.”
“Last time I hit myself in the face, this time I will hit myself on the top of the head where my head is a bit harder.”
I know these all sound ridiculously stupid, but these excuses to do something ridiculously stupid are similar to how our excuses to use any kind of drugs or alcohol (in light of destructive results of our using in the past) sound to others around us. The fact is that in light of the amount of destruction that using can cause in our lives (and often already has caused) almost any excuse is actually that ridiculously stupid.
But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 37)
Here is a newsflash for anyone in recovery who gives themselves a reason to use (a reason that says “It is okay this time because _______”): In light of the risk and the fact that you are in recovery (trying not to useor to learn to not use), ANY REASON IS AN INSANELY TRIVIAL EXCUSE!
Many people who relapse actually reason themselves into relapse. They tell themselves that this is different because (insert something incredibly stupid that sounds intelligent at the moment here). Things like:
“I drink hard liquor, this is just beer, I’ll be fine”
“I use meth. I’m not an alcoholic. A couple of drinks of wine will not be of affect to me.”
“Marijuana is not a drug and is not an addictive drug so I can smoke it and nothing will happen”
“The doctor prescribed these to me. If I take an extra one, how much difference could it make?”
If you think something like this there is a huge question that must be answered: Why?
Why do you need to drink at all? Why do you have to use something that involves intoxication at all (even if your initial plan involves stopping before intoxication).
WHY? WHY? WHY?
Why take the risk when so much is at risk and so little stands to be gained. Why, while trying to be sober, do something that clearly does not qualify as remaining sober.
We must accept this kind of thinking as part of the insanity and sickness of addiction and alcoholism. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SAFE USING FOR A PERSON WHO IS IN RECOVERY!!! EITHER YOU ARE SOBER OR YOU ARE NOT!!! There is no categories for: kinda sober, almost sober with an excuse, relapsed but excused with good reason, etc. All of these are “RELAPSED” and need to be considered as such by you and those that work with you and any sort of mentor etc. around you.
That also is true prior to doing this in your consideration process. It does count this time no matter what reason you choose. It is a relapse and may be your complete destruction even if the reason you are using seems good or satisfying to you.
The real point here is that it is a part of the recovery process to experience moments where you feel like there is a reasonable reason to use some intoxicating substance safely. These are important moments in your recovery. Either you overcome this temptation (which is strong and extremely convincing) or you do not. Being aware of what we have discussed here is only a beginning; each individual in recovery has this battle to fight repeatedly throughout the rest of our lives and it is a fight that none of us can afford to lose.
How to Survive The Holidays Pt 5 – Insanely Trivial Excuses
But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.
In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 37)
Let’s talk about the “insanely trivial excuse” described above. But before we go into that let me answer the big question: Why? Those of us who are around others in recovery regularly, often hear a whole lot of these “insanely trivial excuses” in early January from a bunch of people who relapsed or those who relapse and are trying to explain to the rest of us some “insanely trivial excuse” for why the relapse at New Years does not count as an actual relapse.
Here is the truth about this “insanely trivial excuse”. It is the excuse we arrive at to use at all, Not the excuse to get intoxicated, high, mess up our life, etc. It is the excuse we arrive at to tell ourselves and others that any amount (even the tiniest, teensy-weensy, itsy-bitsiest, little bit) is going to be safe for me. That means ignoring the truth that we have all heard repeatedly: You can never use intoxicating substances safely again.
These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic’s drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can’t feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 23)
If you are an addict or an alcoholic then the fact is that intoxicating substances make you self-destructively stupid. With the use of even the tiniest, teensy-weensy, itsy-bitsiest, little bit comes the risk of absolute destruction of yourself, of everyone and everything you care about, of those that care about you, and the real possibility of seriously hurting or killing yourself or others. In other words there is no excuse even close to big enough to carry more weight than the potential pain, agony, and destruction that will result from a relapse. In light of this fact, any excuse is not only “insanely trivial” but is also insanely stupid. Using anything in any amount is a relapse period. A sip of a beer, a sip of champagne, a quick hit of a joint, just a little, whatever; it is still a relapse and the penalty is way, way too great. That is why any excuse; no matter how convincing it may sound is just like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer to make your headache go away.
My goal here is not to make anyone feel bad or guilty etc., the goal is to make clear the idea that there is no reason that you can come up with that is a good reason for you to use. If you come up with a reason it is simply a way of lying to yourself that you have found that will work to trick you into destroying yourself.
During the holidays it is not uncommon to find other people trying to make these excuses for you. They are trying to convince you that champagne does not count or that marijuana is not a drug, or that blah-blah-blah is not your “drug of choice” so it does not count.
Let’s just put it plainly: Your problem is getting high and your uncontrollable desire to get high. Yes most of us who are addicts and alcoholics have a high we most definitely prefer, but we use because we like being high. If I use something that can make me high if I continue to use it, I am probably going to have a strong urge to keep using it or to go and use whatever it is that I prefer to use to get high. Whatever the reason and no matter who is giving it to me THERE IS SIMPLY WAY TO MUCH RISK AND FAR, FAR TOO LITTLE TO GAIN!
A person or group of people that chose to try to force you to do something that you do not want to do and that has the potential to absolutely destroy you is probably someone you might consider not spending time with.
If you had an unexplainable urge to hurt yourself such as an uncontrollable urge to stab yourself in the head with a knife, we would keep you away from knives. Any excuse you came up with for having a knife would be considered unreasonable and we would find a way around it (such as cutting your food for you etc.). It is also probable that we would not give you other sharp objects either even though your obsession seems to be with knives. Scissors, pencils, ice picks, etc. would have to also be out of the question.
Now let’s say that you get to a relatively stable state and can be in public but still have to just avoid sharp objects in case you might trigger something that makes you suddenly do the same thing again. You go to a gathering of your friends and they entertain themselves by trying to make you play with sharp objects. They keep telling you, “It will be okay,” “Maybe if you just touch a few sharp objects with us here to protect you, you will get over it completely,” “Your problem is with knives, not these. You’ll be fine,” “Nobody ever kills themselves with pencils,” and similar statements.
Are these people really safe for you at that point? Can these people really say they have your best interests in mind or honestly say that they care about you? Aren’t these people simply entertaining themselves by risking your life?
All over the world on New Year’s Eve, there will be similar conversations. “It will be okay, because_____” “Maybe if you just use a little with us here to protect you,” “Your problem is with _______, not _____. You’ll be fine,” “Nobody ever kills themselves with _______. It will be fine” The same questions apply:
·Are these people really safe for you at that point?
·Can these people really say they have your best interests in mind or honestly say that they care about you?
· Aren’t these people simply entertaining themselves by risking your life?
All of this falls under these “insanely trivial excuses” we have been talking about.
In the “To Wives” chapter of the Alcoholics Anonymous book (written to non-alcoholic wives of severely alcoholic men specifically but actually true information for anyone dealing with any addict/alcoholic: as well as being true and deep information for those of us who are the addicts/alcoholics) there is some basic information that can help in dealing with others and in weeding out the people who are not safe for you:
We find that most of this embarrassment is unnecessary. While you need not discuss your husband at length, you can quietly let your friends know the nature of his illness. But you must be on guard not to embarrass or harm your husband.
When you have carefully explained to such people that he is a sick person, you will have created a new atmosphere. Barriers which have sprung up between you and your friends will disappear with the growth of sympathetic understanding. You will no longer be self-conscious or feel that you must apologize as though your husband were a weak character. He may be anything but that. Your new courage, good nature and lack of self-consciousness will do wonders for you socially. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 115)
Like I said it was written “To Wives” but is a truth on several different levels. Be open about your problems to the people you will be around. If you are an addict let them know you are an addict working through sobriety. If you are an alcoholic do the same. Be humbly open.
Will you be uncomfortable; absolutely. Will some people treat you differently; yes absolutely. But, that is way better than destruction, horror and remorse of a relapse.
Any person who you share this with who cannot handle the information, or who in spite of this information feels the need try and gets you to use or uses this information to somehow hurt/annoy you: THAT PERSON IS NOT SAFE FOR YOU TO BE AROUND ESPECIALLY DURING HOLIDAY GATHERINGS!
Openness and honesty can add to your defenses. Part of those explanations you give to these people should include the fact that you cannot safely use any intoxicating substances whatsoever and your sincerely asking them to help you not do so. This is an added level of defense against your “insanely trivial excuses”, but all of this assumes that you are far enough along in your recovery to attend such gatherings.
This may take consultation with sponsors, mentors, counselors etc. as you might not be the best person to make this judgment call, but some of us are simply not ready for these sorts of events. If that is true, then it is a fact. If you have an idea that you are not or may not be ready and you start looking for reasons to convince yourself that you are ready, you have again begun the search for “insanely trivial excuses”. If you are not ready, spend the time working on becoming ready for future gatherings. Find a recovery meeting or event. Have a recovery gathering of your own with others in the same boat. Work on steps with your sponsor while everyone else is getting drunk and arrested.
The bottom line is take whatever drastic measures are necessary to remain sober through the holidays even if it means missing them all together. Remember, whatever reason you (or anyone else) can come up with to use ANYTHING is an “insanely trivial excuse” and is “insanely STUPID.”
Remember also that the “insanely trivial excuse” as stated in the passage at the beginning, is an “insanely trivial excuse” to take the first drink, hit, puff etc. It is the first little that is the relapse because in truth there is no tiniest, teensy-weensy, itsy-bitsiest, little bit. IT IS EITHER YOU DO ABSOLUTELY NONE OR IT IS A RELAPSE.
So we shall describe some of the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking, for obviously this is the crux of the problem. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 35)
Why do those of us that truly want to quit relapse? We say and believe we want to stop, we do things to stop, yet in a moment we go back. I suppose that no single reason will cover why everyone who relapses goes back, but let’s look at one that many of us have experienced yet may not have been able to explain to others or even to ourselves.
Listen to how this man describes it looking back on a relapse:
“As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come – I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 41-42)
Here is the issue that this man is describing. This man did what many of us do in recovery. He had listened to lots of “stuff” about recovery and what is needed, but had taken all he had learned and converted to his own recovery plan. Let’s look back a page before I explain what that recovery plan was.
He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 40)
The plan that he had converted all of the recovery “stuff” he learned into was thinking. If he felt any urge to use (no matter how tremendous the urge) he was going to force himself to remember how humiliating all of this was and think about some recovery facts and that would stop him cold.
I don’t know how many of us remember the movie “The Blues Brothers,” bet there was a basic theme to the movie: They were on a “mission from God” and to fulfill this mission they did all kinds of crazy things that didn’t even make any sense to them to achieve this mission. I am telling you this because in the 80’s and 90’s the term “on a mission” jokingly became the terminology used for a person who had one of those periods of time where he or she could think of nothing else but using and would do crazy things to get alcohol or drugs. In the 2000’s the common term is a “run.” No matter what you call it, these terms describe periods of time where all you can think about is getting whatever you are addicted to and use it.
Those of us that have had this experience know that once you get into that mindset, it is rare that you will think about anything else but getting and using your drug of choice. This man and the authors of the Alcoholics Anonymous book describe those times as “Strange Mental Blank Spots.”
The term “Blank Spot” is misleading as many take it to mean that one does no thinking at all. In fact, the truth is that a better description is that the focus on getting and using is so strong that any other thoughts are easily ignored and forgotten.
Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 24)
The mind is not in fact blank; the focus on using is so strong that everything else is completely ignored. The point is, that if you convert all of the recovery “stuff” you learn to information and memories that you plan to force yourself to remember at the moment you feel like you are going to use, what are you going to do in those “Strange Mental Blank Spots?” Those times when your focus on using is so strong that you cannot even consider other thoughts that come up.
I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 42)
Will power and self knowledge do work in many situations, but not in those “strange Mental Blank Spots” (Not when you are “on a mission”). That is why so many of us are fooled: The knowledge and memories can be forced into our minds at many times that we are thinking about using and can in fact stop us from using. Not every time that we think about using is a “Strange Mental Blank Spot.” The fact that fording ourselves to think works a lot of the time for some of us makes us assume that it works all f the time.
Like this man, when we are down and out and getting educated about recovery, we assume that the added information is what was needed and that the information we had before was simply not strong enough. The problem is that if you are in a “Strange Mental Blank Spot” the information will never be strong enough.
They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 42)
To put it bluntly:
INFORMATION AND MEMORIES WILL NOT KEEP YOU
SOBER!!!!!
There is a much deeper change that must take place and the information and memories are just two of the tools that can be used to get you in the direction of that change. More information and memories however, are not the totality of this change.
The idea that you can use more knowledge and memories to stop yourself from using is an absolute failure in working Step 1. If you are admitting you are powerless what makes you think you can force yourself to think about certain things at certain times when you are the most powerless.
I am not saying to just give up and resign yourself to the fact your powerless so you can go and use. I am saying that you need to look at recovery as far more than just getting more information to force yourself to think and look for something far deeper.
Wade H. Recovery Net 