November 2011 – Wade H. Recovery Net

How To Survive The Holidays – Part 2 (Black Friday & Christmas shopping Edition)

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn’t treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)

A few years ago on a festive Thanksgiving night, after enjoying several warm espresso drinks each, much of my family found ourselves up and still wide awake around midnight. Most of us had never been to a “Black Friday” event, so we decided to pile in a couple of SUVs and drive around until we found a store we all liked and join the all night experience.

The things we saw, heard and experienced would make a nun beat someone down. Christmas shopping, “Black Friday” and in reality the holiday season in general seems to bring the “crazy” out in an inordinate amount of people.

Here is a fact for all of us. “SOME IDIOTS CANNOT BE AVOIDED!” There are idiots in this world and at certain times even the nicest of people will act like idiots. Many of us in recovery focus on how other people are idiots and use that as justification for doing things that set in motion chains of self-destructive events.

For those of us in recovery there is a rule that goes with that fact: “IF OTHERS ARE IDIOTS WE CANNOT LET IT BE CONTAGIOUS!” We do not have the luxury of catching the stupidity of others as if it were a cold as if somehow because the coughed “stupid” all over us we have to let the “stupid” virus run it’s course in our lives.

We avoid retaliation or argument. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)

I am not trying to say that there will never be conflict in your life, but I am saying that those of us in recovery have to do everything in our power to avoid retaliation and arguments. When someone does something that offends us, our argument or retaliation can often be the entire sacrifice of our world, life and possibly recovery just to get even with someone who probably doesn’t care anyway.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 66)

What does it mean to be free? Does that mean you will never again experience the feeling of anger? Of course not! What it means is that when the feeling of anger or associated feelings come up they no longer dictate how you think, act or even feel. Angry situations are not our problem, how we react to those situations is our problem.

Retaliation and argument are not the solution for us, but what about people who do nothing and just keep their angry feelings to themselves. The hidden feelings which we often act like they do not exist are called resentments.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 66)

The point is that holding resentment secretly devours your emotions, your mental state, and your life and shuts you off from everything that not only allows you to be happy, but also from everything that will keep you sober.

So basically in our discussion we have ruled out angrily responding to other people’s crazy and we have ruled out doing nothing. For many of us those are the only two options and if that is the case what we have discussed so far seems completely impossible. After all, if those are the only two options and we have made a case for why both options will utterly destroy your entire world then there is no hope.

The problem is that these are not the only two options. The problem we have is not one of how we respond. The problem is why we respond the way we do. So let’s just jump right in:

Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

Again the problem is not how you react, it is why you are reacting the way you do! In many cases it is all about a feeling of “How dare this person do _______ to me!” As if you were the Queen of England or the Crown Prince or something. Here is a newsflash for all of us in recovery:

THE WORLD WAS NOT PUT HERE TO KEEP YOU COMFORTABLE. THERE WILL BE TIMES WHEN YOU ARE TERRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE. THE CHANGES YOU NEED TO MAKE FOR SOBRIETY HAVE TO WORK WHEN LIFE IS UNCOMFORTABLE OR THEY DO NOT WORK AT ALL!

We are all people. We all have good and bad days. We all get caught in the heat of the moment and do stupid things. Part of our recovery (particularly Steps Eight and Nine) are focused on going to people we have hurt or adversely affected with our actions in the past to repair the damage. The hope is that they will see that the person that hurt them is not who we really are deep inside regardless of if that was just a bad moment or if that was who we were and we are changing now.

How can we expect others to give us the same benefit of the doubt if we cannot give the same benefit of the doubt to others? When I judge the world completely on how I feel (especially in the heat of the moment) I am declaring myself God and ruler of the universe. After all, the whole world is measured by how good or bad something makes me feel. I have decided the whole world must bow down to my decisions on what is good or bad as dictated by my feelings at the moment. Is that not one of the highest levels of selfishness imaginable?

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 62)

This is the crazy that makes us unable to play well with others. We have to learn to think of what is going to be helpful to the other person.

Let’s say I’m on the freeway on my way to go shopping and I am minding my own business when suddenly this car rocketing down the freeway speeds into my lane leaving only a fraction of an inch between our bumpers never once even considering the use of a turn signal. Now, I get to the store I was going to and here is the guy that just cut me off hurriedly walking into the same store and he suddenly falls down dropping a handful of stuff.

I could cuss him out, I could punch him in the nose, I could call him all manner of evil things under my breath and wish I had punched him in the nose as I walk away or I could calmly smirk and think to myself “That’s what he gets.” Or I could calmly say something like hey you should slow down a bit as I help him out. Then maybe mention that he cut me off earlier. The truth is that even the last response could be good or bad. Because remember it is not how you respond, it is why you are responding the way you are.

If the only goal is to make sure that he knows that he offended you then it is again all about you. This is a person who is incredibly hurried and may or may not have had a reason for that. Most of us have been late for something or just having a terrible day and have cut someone off. Some of us have heard the words, “If you are late one more time you’ll be fired!” Has it ever occurred to you that this person might be in the middle of some major crisis and didn’t mean to offend you specifically? What could someone do for you when you are in a crisis and find yourself offending people that you don’t even notice that you offended?

So, if you walk over to the guy and help him just so you can have an easy opportunity to tell him what a jerk he is (just politely) you are still being crazy. You are just being crazy with a smile.

If you walk over to help, because you realize that this person might legitimately going through something and you try to offer the help you would want in the same situation you have learned to think of someone else other than yourself. Should something be stated about the fact that the person cut you off? I believe yes. But, with the mindset I am describing it would be a bit into the conversation and I think it would be more of a part of the planting of a seed to help the person know what things to change in his life than just pressure to apologize or to feel bad.

I understand that for some reading this sounds weak, soft, or ridiculous. The truth is, this is what it is to be unselfish and not self-centered. The crazy people shopping at the holidays are in a shopping frenzy. If you cannot yet handle being offended without some terrible emotion or action arising then you simply can’t go. I guess you are going to have to shop on Cyber Monday instead of on Black Friday.

As for family and friends on the holidays, not only should you consider what they are going through that might be making them act however they act, you should consider what you might have done to them in the past that they are still hurt over or angry over. Just because you are trying to go through recovery does not mean that everyone around magically forgets the hurts and anger you have caused in the past.

Also, I think it is important to note that just because you chose to have the right mindset and take the right actions that does not mean that the other person is going to respond correctly. The guy that cut you off then dropped his stuff in front of the store might cuss you out when you come over to help him. You still have to keep your unselfish stand and hopefully when that person is working his Eighth and Ninth Steps you’ll come up as a person he cannot find to make amends to that deserves one. Remember, that person may still be sick and just because that person is sick, does not meant that you have to get sucked into being sick with him or her.

This is what is meant by taking a “kindly and tolerant view” of everyone around you. This is one of the major keys to surviving the holidays.

We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 67)

How To Survive The Holidays – Part 1 (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
“The Watch Four” to Watch For! (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)
To Be Selfish Or Not to Be; That Is The Question!!! Part – 2 (wadehrecoverynetwork.wordpress.com)

How To Survive The Holidays – Part 1

How To Survive The Holidays – Part 1

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84)

The holidays are a time of celebration, of receiving and giving, of family gatherings and when friends get together to celebrate. For those of us in recovery there are any number of challenges that arise from all of this. Some of us associate all of these things with using and get a strong urge to use. Some of us get so angry or hurt by what we get as gifts or don’t get as gifts that we cannot function well. Some of us do not have the heart or mind for the giving part, while others of us give for the wrong reasons and end up frustrated. Some of us have a strong urge to relapse at the mere thought of family gatherings for all sorts of different reasons. For some of us gathering with friends is a recipe for relapse and others of us are depressed by the idea because we do not perceive ourselves to have any friends to gather with. Some of us just simply hate the “holiday season” altogether or find ourselves depressed for no apparent reason during this time of year. A few will find ourselves enjoying the holidays only to find that all of a sudden we cannot handle the feeling of enjoying ourselves and will have the urge to self-destruct our own enjoyment. The way we tend to see things seems to be amplified this time of year and may seem like an inevitable train wreck waiting to happen.

The temptation is to focus on the negatives and sink into some kind of pity-party or try to act like the thoughts and feelings don’t exist. As far as focusing on the negatives, we know that many of us that have been alcoholics or addicts can’t seem to be able to stop ourselves from seeing the glass as half empty instead of half full. The truth is that realizing that the half empty glass is also half full is a good start, but is not enough. For us there needs to be action to fill the glass the rest of the way also. Changing how we see things is good, but changing the parts of the situations that we control (ourselves) is better.

One of the simplest ways to begin to work through the holiday season before it overtakes you is to focus on Step 10 all day every day starting right now.

Carefully watch yourself for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
When you notice any of these stop yourself; take a moment and ask God to remove whatever it is.
Have mentors, sponsors, or wise persons of some kind that you can talk to regularly ready for your call, email or visit. Whenever you feel one of these come up talk to one or more of them about it as soon as possible.
If you did something that was wrong to someone else in that situation (even if that person did a whole lot more to you before you did anything and you feel he or she deserves what you did) you must make amends quickly. Don’t let their crazy become your relapse because you are determined to prove some point (that would in reality be your crazy)
Have somebody or a couple of people you are helping through recovery (sponsoring) during the holiday season. You need to be the mentor, sponsor, or wise person of some kind that someone else can talk to regularly ready for your call, email or visit as well as working that person through the steps through the holiday season.
When you perceive that someone else or some group of “someone elses” is throwing crazy into your world remember that love and tolerance is our code. That means to respond lovingly and be as tolerant as is humanly possible of whatever it is that is going on. Remember that other people’s crazy does not have to be contagious. If they are in fact acting crazy, that is their sickness, if you get sucked in and start acting crazy also their sickness has spread like some plague to you with the potential of wreaking havoc in your world and possibly even causing your death.

A huge point to take away from all of this is that you have to start responding to the problem before it starts to build up. Plan these things and make sure the people described are in place now. Intentionally start living this way daily for the whole day so as the holiday season kicks into full gear you will already have the habit of living this way.

…we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. (Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 84)

Change your mindset about all of the things listed from some things you do or from a Step you have to do or finish and begin to think of these things as a “way of living”. You have to be so in the habit of thinking and acting in these ways that they simply become who you are and what you do. These not only become how you think, but these things become the reasons behind why you think what you think. You have to progress from:

Have to – You do these things because you are told to in recovery and you realize you have no other good choice
Want to – You do these things because you have done them for a while and you have started to feel good when you do them and to be able to handle hard to handle situations. Doing them begins to be associated with feeling good.
Is you – There is no longer any thought that goes into doing these things. You have done these things so consistently and for so long that they are as natural as breathing. These things kinda just happen (even if you don’t feel like it)

Also, take a second to ponder the word “vigorously” used in the previous passage. In that “have to” phase (when you first start trying to develop these habits) these things seem time consuming, like a lot of work and possibly silly to some of us. It will seem like really hard work to many of us at first to do these things. You are going to have to “vigorously” push yourself to do these things in spite of how you feel. Keep in mind that our feelings are important, but are often not the best guides for our lives. Just because you suddenly feel like using or like punching someone in the face, that does not mean you should. Just because you don’t feel like doing some of the proven recovery stuff doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either.

In the words of some excellent tennis shoe marketers: “Just do it!”

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Grow this way of living. Why? Here is one person’s answer:

I have since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could.” (Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 42 – 43)